The things they saw in your mom's trailer, they couldn't be unseen
Listen up, p*ssylickers, here’s where I give you the rundown on all the new crap that’s in theaters this week.
LIMITLESS: “What if there was a drug… that turned Bradley Cooper into an awesomely handsome super-smart math billionaire?”
RottenTomatoes Score: 63%
Gratuitous Review quotes:
“Limitless hits you like an adrenaline rush that will have you saying, ‘I’ll have what he’s having.’” -Peter Travers (my God, Peter Travers, what have they done to you?)
“Limitless” may please a few looking for a shallow fantasy thriller, but won’t fire up the synapses of the intellectually demanding.” -Kyle Smith, NY Post
“The movie is too chaotic to be very good. But it’s fun and not stupid, which is something.” -Wesley Morris, Boston Globe
Armchair Analysis: This movie might be a tough sell in America. “So this pill that makes you super smart: does it make your dick bigger?”
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THE LINCOLN LAWYER: Matthew McConaughey is a LAWYER, who drives around town in a LINCOLN. “Your honor, this here whole SYSTEM is out of order. (*takes off shirt, starts playing bongos*) Alright alright alright.”
RottenTomatoes: 80% (seriously? 80%)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“This is rock-solid entertainment. McConaughey, a cunning mesmerizer in the courtroom, steers this Lincoln into what could be a hell-raising franchise.” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. (Jesus, he’s suggesting sequels now).
“Calling big-screen legal thriller “The Lincoln Lawyer” the best TV pilot I’ve seen in a while really isn’t meant as a putdown — the truth is, there’s more good stuff on the tube these days than in theaters, especially at this time of the year.” -Lou Lumenick, NY Post
Armchair Analysis: From the reviews, this sounds like the best movie I’ll never see since The Hours.
PAUL: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and CGI Seth Rogen party like it’s 1989. Well, movie nerd 1989, anyway.
RottenTomatoes: 68%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“…drowns in geek butter; every scene is stuffed with winks, nods and Easter eggs, a cavalcade of inside jokes, including a honky-tonk band playing Mos Eisley cantina music with fiddles.” -Corey Hall, Detroit Metro Times.
“‘Paul’ is more a bagful of giggles. Rogen is a nonstop hoot, but it’s the byplay between Frost and Pegg that roots the laughs in characters we care about.” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. (‘A bagful of giggles?!?!?’ Seriously, it’s time for an intervention.)
“A reference-laden road trip/chase yukfest that doesn’t quite capture that same Spaced magic but is eventually just so likable it is hard to knock its flaws too much.” -Erik Childress, efilmcritic
Armchair Analysis: (*throws away armchair*) I reviewed it, so you can hear exactly what I thought of it. I agree with that third quote about 90%.
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WIN WIN: High school wrestling coach Paul Giamatti takes in an underprivileged retard who joins his team and teaches him how to feel again through singlets and grappling. Or as I like to call it, “Dramatic Ladybugs with Wrestling.”
RottenTomatoes: 92%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Its unfussy realism makes every funny moment and painful setback seem well-earned and believable.” -Tasha Robinson, Onion A/V Club.
“This movie wins you over, head and heart, without cheating. It’s just about perfect.” -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. (He didn’t say “it pins you to the floor,” which is small comfort. Oh, Rolling Stone, please give Mr. Travers his balls back.)
“The movie is amiable and funny but a little timid.” -David Denby, New Yorker
Armchair Analysis: I actually saw this one last week but still haven’t gotten around to writing a full review. It’s enjoyable. Very “indie movie”, if you know what I mean. The main kid is a great actor. The one thing I couldn’t figure out is how Paul Giamatti is a lawyer but also coaches high school wrestling. Don’t you have to work at the school to coach sports? They don’t just let you in a locker room full of sweaty 15-year-olds in singlets without a background check, do they? No, seriously, I’m asking.
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If it would please the court, and I’m sure it will, I’d like to make my closing statements with my shirt off…
Not in New Jersey, you just need to take a 3 hour sex ed seminar then you are free to coach. So if you can control your boner for 3 hours, then you are entitled to all the illegal showers you can handle.
“Underpants…UNDERPANTS!” Yeah, like they’re going to weigh 8 ounces you sick, sick fuck.
I do not miss high school wrestling.
The booked “Dark Fields” which Limitless is based on was fucking excellent so I imagine the movie will suck shit. Nevertheless, those dicks at the cinema will get my $13 this weekend.
I am totally going to ask my girlfriend tonight if she wants to drown in Geek butter, thanks Corey Hall!
“Limitless” may please a few looking for a shallow fantasy thriller, but won’t fire up the synapses of the intellectually demanding.”
Yeah, hey Pointdexter, you wanna go see that movie about Face from the A-Team driving sports cars and fucking beautiful women?
Sure thing, Eggbert, lemme just go tell the Mensa fellows about tomorrow’s jenkem party and we’ll be on our way.
Sex Ed for three hours? Excuse me, I’ve got to get to the airport.
High school wrestling coach Paul Giamatti takes in an underprivileged retard who joins his team and teaches him how to feel again through singlets and grappling.
Yer changin’ that boy’s lahfe.
No, just his drool cup.
Hey! Who are you calling a pussylicker?! It was ONE time and I was in college.
Limitless looks like a fake movie Vince from Entourage would star in. So you know the bros are gonna love it.
The original Win Win had Paul Giamatti teaching an overprivileged retard how to wrestle, but McConaughey was booked on that other movie.
I’m sorry, I didn’t get past super-sexy genius billionaire Bradley Cooper. Yes, please!
He’s a lawyer and he drives a Lincoln… NOW IMAGINE HE’S WHITE!
I want to see a movie called ‘The Lincoln Logger’ about a man who goes around cutting down tiny trees for toy sets.
OUTSTANDING! Now I know what I’ll be up to this week’s end. I’ll just be pussylicking, going to hockey games completely fucked up, and dodging any reference to brackets.
Oh, and meatloaf Sunday night. [whispers]My secret, I put blue cheese in it.
And not gonig to the movies.
Matthew McConaughey, a cunning mesmerizer in the courtroom, and a cunning linguist in the backseat of his Lincoln.
…ladies
Friday, Friday…
baktag failboat Friday…
meetings and audits, YEAH!
meetings and audits, YEAH!
fail, fail, fail, fail…
looking forward to the weekend…
me me me so excited
me so excited
me gonna get really trashed tonight
Hey! I finally heard that song, Rome kept playing it on his show this morning, and it totally blows as much ass as I thought it would! Fuck everybody!
The 1970 Chevy Chevelle Super Sport Lawyer
Wooderson acts as his own lawyer during his statutory rape trial.
“…Paul Giamatti takes in an underprivileged retard who joins his team and teaches him how to feel again through singlets and grappling.”
That give anyong else a stiffy!
“They don’t just let you in a locker room full of sweaty 15-year-olds in singlets without a background check, do they? No, seriously, I’m asking.”
Actually you don’t need to work at the school to get a coaching job. There are tons of parents of students who do sports coaching or are the chair of clubs and committees. Sometimes there aren’t enough teachers with the qualifications to head sports teams, and it gives parents and guardians the opportunity to be involved with their kids in a constructive setting.
And in regards to Giamatti being a lawyer, I remember when I played hockey as a kid our coach was a lawyer. He had to lead our team as part of his community service. He got pulled over for drunk driving or something. It wase a great experience. We were just a rag-tag group of boys and finished bottom of the league standings year after year. One day he pulled up in his limo and offered to coach. He brought on some professional skaters, bought us new uniforms and named the team after his employer who sponsored us. He turned us “District 5″ kids into a real team. It turns out he used to play for our rival team, the Hawks, when he was a kid. He got us all the way to the playoffs, and we won our championship game. I think he dated my friend Charlie’s mom, but I don’t think it worked out. We miss you, Coach Bombay!
I saw a commercial for The Lincoln Lawyer that called it McConaughey’s “best role in years.”
Oh, like that’s hard.
I just saw a Civic Douchebag.
I’m going to watch ‘The Hummer Lawyer’ this weekend. It doesn’t have shit to do with what’s being driven, but I’m promised that this lawyer will have no objections to the 12 angry men who want to bang her like a gavel.
Really, I think this is getting needlessly crass. To raise the tone a bit, here’s a poem from two millenia ago:
(That’s Strato of Sardis’ Musa Puerilis no. 222, as translated by Daryl Hine.)
(I’ll just shove myself in a locker on the way to the corner, shall I? Right.)
I had the best role in years last night at Red Lobster. NOM! What’s in them?!? Butter AND love?!?*
*okay that was all a lie, but them there biscuits are damn tasty.
Does it matter, elle0? If they were crammed with rat spunk I’d still mow on those little portions of joy.
F’this, I’m going to go get whiskey dick and finish my woman with my mouth.
Coach Bombay’s brother is way cooler though… winning!!!!
No ‘effin way. MLISEFARM
(my life is st elmo’s fire and repo man)
I might go see Limitless if they found a drug that made Bradley Cooper act.
That’s what I love about these 15 year-olds in singlets, man.
I get older… They stay the same age. Yes, they do.
I don’t think you’re giving Pole Smokers enough credit.
Speaking of 1989, that’s the last time David Denby’s dick moved by itself. Seriously, has he liked anything? Ever?