Ok dorks, let’s do a quick rundown of movies that are opening this weekend. Skinny Marinky Vinky Dink started doing this last week, then promptly bailed and left it to the blogsitters. Professional. Fun fact: despite being Uproxx’s preeminent fill-in movie blogger (What the hell is a “Burnsy”?), I have never heard of most of these movies. And away we go.
RED RIDING HOOD: Amanda Seyfriend stars as a girl whose movie should get eaten by a wolf.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 7% (HOLY SH*T, 7%)
Gratuitous review quotes:
“Another idiot child of “Twilight,” “Red Riding Hood,” directed by original “Twilight” director Catherine Hardwicke (“Thirteen”), arrives, and the Twi-hards are about to get hoodwinked.” – Boston Herald
“[Hardwicke] has a gift for taking situations of bloodcurdling thrills and investing them with all of the drama of a sophomore fussing over her prom date.” – New York Post
Armchair analysis: Yeesh (*tugs collar*)
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BATTLE: LOS ANGELES: BOOM! ZOOM! PEW PEW PEW!
Rotten Tomatoes score: 35%
Gratuitous review quotes:
“A sci-fi “Black Hawk Down,” Jonathan Liebesman’s “Battle: Los Angeles” will satisfy any genre-movie buff jonesing for this generation’s ‘Independence Day.'” – Boston Herald
“It’s like watching other people play a video game” – Richard Roeper
Armchair analysis: If people are comparing this to Independence Day, some goddamn person better welcome an alien to Earf with a punch in the face. That’s all I’m sayin’.
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JANE EYRE: Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender star in an adaption of a book I pretended to read in 9th grade. It probably has something to do with virginity or something.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 89%
Gratuitous review quotes:
“Cary Joji Fukunaga has reanimated a classic for a new generation, letting ‘Jane Eyre’ resonate with terror and tenderness.” – Rolling Stone
“A splendid example of how to tackle the daunting duty of turning a beloved work of classic literature into a movie.” – New York Times
Armchair analysis: The same year I was supposed to read Jane Eyre, I was also assigned The Old Man and the Sea. They should make that into a movie, and it should star Gary Busey wrestling a marlin and fighting off sharks, and they should let him ad-lib all his lines.
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MARS NEEDS MOMS: Seth Green voices an animated movie, presumably about some sort of Martian matriarch shortage.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 39%
Gratuitous review quotes:
“It seems that it’s time to admit that dressing actors in LED-studded catsuits, asking them to give performances on sterile white sets and handing the results to a team of computer animators is not a way to make a good movie.” – New York Times
“While Wells’s ice-blue color scheme borrows from both “Tron” films and a litany of “Star Trek” episodes, a majestic musical score by the great composer John Powell somehow makes everything old feel fresh and wondrous again.” – Washington Post
Armchair analysis: Did you realize Seth Green is 37 years old? Wow. Also, since I posted the Rotten Tomatoes score, I’ve been saying “Thirty-nine percent” over and over in my best Kenny Fisher voice.
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ELEKTRA LUXX: My precious Carla Gugino reprises her role as the titular porn star character she introduced in Women in Trouble
Rotten Tomatoes score: 29%
Gratuitous review quotes:
“A porn star’s midlife crisis makes for a limp story in ‘Elektra Luxx.'” – New York Post
“Elektra Luxx’ has a playful, breezy sexiness that gives the world of the film, porn biz and all, a refreshing innocence.” – Los Angeles Times
Armchair analysis: Ha. TITULAR!
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KILL THE IRISHMAN: Violence erupts in Cleveland as some sort of gang/mob war escalates. Burnsy would have a much better Lebron James joke here.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 57%
Gratuitous review quotes:
“The structure of the storytelling in Kill the Irishman is pretty square, but the cast is tasty…” – Entertainment Weekly
“This mob-war romance could still find an audience in niche release, given its action-oriented underdog story and Ray Stevenson’s oddly charismatic lead performance.” – Variety
Armchair analysis: The title sounds like an episode of “Itchy & Scratchy,” and the reviews ain’t glowing. On the other hand, it has Val Kilmer AND Christopher Walken in it. I would have paid a zillion dollars to be a fly on the wall during their discussions between takes.
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