From the beginning, Sucker Punch looked like a movie a 12-year-old boy might have made with no creative oversight and an unlimited budget. But seeing as how it came from Zack Snyder, who made Watchmen, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and that movie about owls my friend Lindy West assures me is awesome, I was willing to give it a chance. Well, I’m still willing to give it a chance, but the critics who’ve seen it seem to really, really hate it. A few people liked it, but the majority who didn’t reacted almost universally as if it had kicked their puppy and flushed their drug stash. Or flushed their puppy and kicked their drug stash, but either way, they were less than pleased.
“Snyder has described it as “Alice In Wonderland with machine guns,” but it’s more like The Pussycat Dolls Present Steampunk Kill Bill, only more assaultive and pandering than that description suggests.” -Onion A/V Club
“Hands-down the most nightmarishly awful film of the year.” -Philadelphia Inquirer
“Zack Snyder must have known in preproduction that his greasy collection of near-rape fantasies and violent revenge scenarios disguised as a female-empowerment fairy tale wasn’t going to satisfy anyone but himself. [...] A salacious mess, 0 stars.” -Michael Phillips, Chicago Trib
“An unerotic unthrilling erotic thriller in the video game/comic book crossover vein, “Sucker Punch” is ” “Last Airbender” with bustiers.” -Orlando Sentinel
“300 was interesting, Watchman was bearable, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole was ridiculous, but Sucker Punch is just sad. Like his porcelain heroine, anyone who willingly spends $13 for a ticket to this smut is willfully lobotomizing themselves.” -NY Press (but not Armond White?! for shame!)
“Just what kind of gyrations is Babydoll doing to effect such awe and conjure such imaginary garbage? Is it like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance? Because that was pretty powerful.” -Jake Coyle, AP
“Just one big hypersexed slo-mo misfire.” -Movieline
Of course, keep in mind that these opinions come from limp-wristed haemophiliacs not fit to scrub the skidmarks out of my stars-and-bars thong. I couldn’t make it to a press screening this week, but I should have a real review up for you by Monday. Don’t worry, I won’t let the buzz affect me. Frankly, I didn’t hear anything after “violent greasy rape fantasy.”
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It’s all those things and more… boring. I honestly didn’t think boredom was going to be an issue when you have five stunners, scantily clad fighting the shit out of orcs, robots and zombie nazis BUT I wanted to walk out. Some cool music videos is about as much praise as I’m willing to give Snyder (and yes, the owl movie is awesome).
Psst, Vince…Where’d you get that stars and bars thong? It’s not for me. It’s for a friend. His wife loves the USA.
what we have here is a case of haters gonna hate
“Sucker Punch” is ”’Last Airbender’ with bustiers.” – Orlando Sentinel
Ooo la la, Dev Patel.
pretty sure as long as its hot chicks, explosions, samurai robots with Gatling guns, and dragons I don’t care what other people say I am jerking off to this.
Watching this without pants on. Guaranteed.
When does the video game come out so I can instigate virtual rape fantasies on my own?
The Pussycat Dolls Present Steampunk Kill Bill
DO WANT!
You can’t just go throwing around LAST AIRBENDER comparisons willy-nilly. That’s just irresponsible.
I have been listening to old frotcasts. Ha…remember when you used to interview commenters? And talk about movies for a really long time?
I really don’t know why everyone hates on Snyder, Dawn of the Dead is awesome, 300 kicked a lot of ass, Watchmen was almost almost perfect, and this movie is going to kick ass, I’d rather watch any of these movies 3 times again instead of having to sit through Social Network or Kings Speech again
30% on Rot’n Tamaterz. Whatever shall I do?…
All right, Satan, you win this time! [unzips pants]
Armond White called it “a triumphant tour-de-force of anarcho-syndicalist communal ideals, redolant with overtones of post-postmodernism and a fresh lemon scent.”
Sucker Punch is the Olivia Munn of movies.
And, I’m sorry, but 300 is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I’ve ever seen.
COME AT ME, BITCHES.
*removes earrings*
Patty I hope unintentionally hilarious is woman-speak for bad-ass and heroic
Patty, I haven’t seen 300, but I can’t resist a dare.
RYAN REYNOLDS’ ABS AND HAIR ARE CGI!
“Hey, where the black women at?”
–Armond White
You had me at greasy collection of near-rape fantasies. I’m sold.
As soon as I read that you enjoyed Watchmen I had to post. So much hatred towards that movie! Personally the following that the graphic novel had there was going to only be hatred for the movie being brought into the mainstream. I thought it was really great though. My friends and I are going to go see Suckerpunch this weekend and cannot wait! We’ll get a little drunk before and just have a blast I know it. Even if the story is shit Zack Snyder knows how to put together a good time in cinema! Speaking of Superman should be hella fun!
The Klingon Empire will wait for plaid judgment.
Watchmen is almost mindboggling in the way that it veers from awesome, to suck, then back again, from scene to scene. He’s generally faithful to the original graphic novel, but about 1/2 of the scenes he nails, but the other half are just completely off in tone or acting or some other slight detail. I consider it a failure, but I think it’s one of the better failures I’ve ever scene. Plus, Snyder has terrible taste in music. That might be a minor quibble, but for a film like Watchmen it makes a big difference (think of how a well chosen song can turn a scene from OK to AWESOME in a Tarantino film). Snyder tends to go straight for cliche when it comes to music, which always irks me (do we really need a protracted sex scene set to Hallelujah? IT’s a great song, but it’s been done to fucking death. He makes similar choices for the rest of the sound track as well–The TImes They are A Changing, 99 Luft Balloons, etc).
I absolutely hated 300. The trailer blew me away, so I went all psyched up for a mindless, yet beautiful, action film. But it bored the shit out of me. The pre-battle-inspiring-speeches were interminable (and there were at least 12 of them, I think, each one more cliched than the last), the slow motion was terribly distracting, and the action, while kind of pretty, was shot so frenetically and with no regard to reason, strategy, or placement, that you ended up just kind of checking out and nothing really seemed like anything was at steak.
Yeah, so this movie looks retarded and I fucking hate Snyder.
I’m just saying, 300 is campier than a Broadway revival of La Cage aux Folles.
Not a single one made a pun? Like “It tries to catch you off guard, but in the end you see every move coming” or “Ultimately, what seemed to be meant as a hard hitting action piece ended up as little more than a weak jab.”
Criticism is going down the toilets.
Watchmen was far from perfect, and the ending mostly sucked, it was more than worthwhile for me. Cheesy as Times They Are a changin might be (and I mostly hate Bob Dylan), the Kennedy assassination sequence was fucking incredible. I loved it about 85%.
Still haven’t seen 300, somehow.
These critics go fuck themselves. They’re trashing Sucker Punch now, but when the movie becomes a cult classic several years from now, these same critics will be prasing it as an underrated gem like those dick-riding fuckwads at Entertainment Weekly do a thousand some odd times.
A very stupid young lady at my work coined the perfect description for 300: “That’s as gay as AIDS”.
I personally think Watchmen was pretty awful. Nice-looking, at least, but it didn’t communicate the power of the comics. Which leads me to my next point: Vince, I highly recommend you read them if you haven’t already. I promise it’s not too nerdy to do so, because Time Magazine declared it one of the best written works of the 20th century. 300, though, dude, is good for little more than lolz and admiring Gerard Butler’s beard and pecs. Oh, and I think McNulty rapes a woman. Ugh…
Her pot belly’s kinda cute; I’d suck her paunch any day of the week.
Watchmen was awful, and I just rewatched it 35 minutes ago.
In a lot of ways, SuckerPunch seems like Watchmen. Both have all the right parts but they fall short somehow.
This has everything any penis bearing human could want in a film but it looks boring and pointless.
As a fan of the graphic novel (read it countless times over the years) I’m still not sure how I feel about the Watchmen movie.
On paper, it’s perfect – a cool director (I thought Dawn of the Dead was great, 300 was tons of fun) with a great cast (except for the British gay guy) religiously adapting amazing source material with a huge budget- the film should have been fucking amazing. Like record-breaking blockbuster with Oscar talk (no actual noms, but some bullshit talk). Think The Dark Knight.
Instead it was just good but not great.
all this talk about punch, makes me reminisce about the good ole days when i could walk down the corner store and get a 2 litre bottle of Tahiti Treat… mmmmmm….
My biggest criticism of Watchmen is also my biggest criticism of any mainstream movie these days: it really, REALLY needed some tentacle porn.
“Ha, jokes on those fuckers. I shot a straight to DVD sequel “Last Airbernder: 33DD Bustiers” and it did horrible with test audiences in Orlando.” – M Night Shyamalan
300 gets dumber each time I watch it, but I keep watching it. Watchmen was great, but I never read it, so I had the luxury of going in with an ignorant expectation. But come on… “his greasy collection of near-rape fantasies and violent revenge scenarios”? Count me in twice.
As someone who thinks the ORIGINAL source material for 300 (not the lame-ass comic book)was one of history’s most bad-ass moments, 300 sucked donkey balls–like the best thing a bunch of theater fags on HGH could come up with between sessions in the “gang” shower.
Patty, I’m with you, 300 sucked donkey hose. Not nearly as much as having to put up with “This…is…SPARTA” copycats for the months following it’s release though.
No dude, this isn’t Sparta, this is Smyrna and you kick like a Gleek by the way.