When it was announced a few months ago that Steven Seagal would be teaming up with Arizona über douche Sheriff Joe Arpaio to film another season of Steven Seagal: Lawmen, we here at FilmDrunk HQ experienced a simultaneous, unique physiological reaction to arousal. Because in addition to inventing the front-kick, singing reggae music, and not being able to keep track of space and time, Steven Seagal is a mediocre crime fighter. He’s like The Most Interesting Man in the World’s ne’er-do-well brother. But just when you thought Steven Seagal news couldn’t get any better, he used a police tank to bust a cockfight.
West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.
Are you sure they weren’t crying “fowl”? My God, you have so much to learn.
Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.
“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.
“ANYBODY HERE KNOW WHO DID BOBBY LUPO?” (*drops egg into bar towel*)
In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting. Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed. Seagal was riding in the tank.
…Whose overwhelming force Steven Seagal no doubt explained with a poorly-remembered passage from Sun Tzu.
“I think taxpayers should be shocked,” said Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney. Campus said he believes the operation costs tens of thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot. [KPHO]
“Well I can see we’re not needed here.” -Craft Services. Ahh, Arizona. You make Florida look like a futuristic metropolis.
[Thanks to everyone who sent me this. Also check out our compilation of every bone break in every Steven Seagal movie]
I want more like this!
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