When it was announced a few months ago that Steven Seagal would be teaming up with Arizona über douche Sheriff Joe Arpaio to film another season of Steven Seagal: Lawmen, we here at FilmDrunk HQ experienced a simultaneous, unique physiological reaction to arousal. Because in addition to inventing the front-kick, singing reggae music, and not being able to keep track of space and time, Steven Seagal is a mediocre crime fighter. He’s like The Most Interesting Man in the World’s ne’er-do-well brother. But just when you thought Steven Seagal news couldn’t get any better, he used a police tank to bust a cockfight.
West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.
Are you sure they weren’t crying “fowl”? My God, you have so much to learn.
Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.
“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.
“ANYBODY HERE KNOW WHO DID BOBBY LUPO?” (*drops egg into bar towel*)
In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting. Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed. Seagal was riding in the tank.
…Whose overwhelming force Steven Seagal no doubt explained with a poorly-remembered passage from Sun Tzu.
“I think taxpayers should be shocked,” said Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney. Campus said he believes the operation costs tens of thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot. [KPHO]
“Well I can see we’re not needed here.” -Craft Services. Ahh, Arizona. You make Florida look like a futuristic metropolis.
[Thanks to everyone who sent me this. Also check out our compilation of every bone break in every Steven Seagal movie]
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“I think taxpayers should be shocked”
At what? Those were Segal’s personal vehicles. He bought them off of Brad Wesley.
The NY Post’s headline:
SEAGAL BUSTS JESUS’ COCK RING.
I like to imagine the bomb robot was his sidekick and Seagal called it R2.
What the hell is he doing to Admiral Ackbar in that picture?
Was John Travolta in the cock pit?
An egg in a bar towel? That sounds like a prank. Segal drops a cue ball in a bar towel aka “the poor man’s dentist”
All 115 birds were euthanized via front kick.
Neighbors report that the reality show’s new narrator, who’s identity producers are keeping quiet, was observed donning sunglasses and saying: “So long chickens, see you on the ‘other side’,” followed by a loud scream and drums.
They also describe hearing
Funny that the banner pic still shows him in his JPSO uniform. Not that I have an intimate knowlege of what those asshats look like or anything.
* At least not since 1995-ish.
the chickens had to be euthanized. They refused to participate in the hands slap game.
I think we’re overlooking the bigger questions, which are 1) since when do police have tanks, and 2) why haven’t they blown up the punks who stole my stereo?
Everyone knows WHO did Bobby Lupo, Vince: it was Richie, the chicken-shit fucking pussy asshole. The question our friend Gino wants answered is why. Why did Richie do Bobby Lupo? It’s a question not answered easily, and requires many pool balls in socks, corkscrews in heads, and shotgun blasts to kneecaps in order to be properly addressed.
Jesus Llovera: Are you totally fuckin’ nuts or what?! You could have killed somebody in that house!
Steven Seagal: But there ain’t nobody in that house!
I once got in trouble for cock fighting with my imaginary friend, Hugo. It didn’t take a tank to break up the incident though. Mom just told me to put my pee pee back in my pants.
I’ll see myself out, thank you.