Lionsgate just released the new trailer for the Conan the Barbarian remake, starring Baywatch Hawaii wunderkind Jason Momoa and Ron I’m-in-every-genre-movie Perlman. Additional gossip fact for the ladies: Momoa has two children with former Cosby Show actress Lisa Bonet, the youngest named “Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.” GRRR, VOWELS! Not to mention the rare first-name hyphen. Looks like you just got served, last-name hyphenated people. Your hippie parents must be so embarrassed.
Conan opens August 19th, and it was directed by Marcus Nispel, of Pathfinder and Friday the 13th remake fame, so it’ll probably be really good (*armpit fart to indicate sarcasm*). Incidentally, Marcus Nispel looks like this:
…and Jason Momoa looks like this:
…so I imagine a lot of their conversations began with “Whoa, bro.”
Anyway, I know I’ve been calling him “Conan the Samoan” because it rhymes (he’s actually half Hawaiian), but the truth is, I couldn’t care less whether Conan is played by a white dude (or is played by anyone at all, for that matter). The incredibly complex plot is that of a man who walks around the desert whacking people with his giant sword, which is clearly a Freudian stand-in for his dong (isn’t everything?). So I guess the bigger question is: shouldn’t it be a black guy? I say yes. But what do I know? I’m just a guy who would enjoy watching a black guy whack people with his dong.
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Looks more like Conan the Rastafarian.
“For no one – no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts.”
* rips long hit from bong *
“This you can trust.”
I could have made that trailer with a Discman and a stick of incense.
I’m still wondering how Leno’s going to fuck this up.
Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Bo-Bakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Banana-Fanna-Fo-Fakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Fee-Fi-Mo-Makoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoaaaa!
Dino De Laurentiis is disappoint.
I can’t figure out which one to toss my spare change.
Easy anagram time:
Lisa Bonet = T-Bone Lisa.
My feet hurt.
Easy palindrome time:
Lisa Bonet Ate No Basil
Hard anagram time:
Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa = Homo name (flunk pook know mm aaaaaaaaaa).
I’m shocked it isn’t Thundar the Barbarian. True story, when I was little I used to play fall down like Ariel did (always to the side, very lady like) people thought I was narcoleptic. I’m a method player.
*klingonoff*
This fucking kills me because I will be compelled to see this movie by my own set of idiosyncratic psychotic compulsions, but I have blown off seeing True Grit and Cedar Rapids for no particular reason.
*resumeklingon*
Dor sho gha! Violence and women, His kinda movie!
Lemme guess, Momoa has to find the wizard who has the bong shaped like two snakes coming together that got him so high he convened with his long-dead mother.
One glimmer of hope: The F13 remake did have a country bumpkin pot dealer talk dirty to/almost hump a mannequin. If that kind of sick creativity can be translated into barbaric swordfighting bloodshed, well…maybe he can get some Rastafarian dude to bone a mannequin!
This trailer was the second worst thing about Battle: LA. The first, of course, being Battle: LA.
If you don’t have enough film put together to actually show us the movie, then it isn’t time for a trailer yet.
Black Conan dubs his sword Norsecock and holds it sideways.
The child who cried Wolf! was saying his/it/her own name.
Things I would do to be called Wolf.
(Sits and opens a tube of Smarties)
This MoMoa guy was on Stargate Atlantis as well and for a third rate spin off cable show he was the worst of the actors on it. Take from that what you will.
It looks like Nispel scalped Macy Gray and wears her around. I hate.
the hockey mask behind him is molded to fit his beard….really
You know what they say, Momoa, mo’ problems.
She’s a Lubavitcher Jew. He’s the re-animated corpse of a mental patient. This summer, Blake Lively and Taylor Lautner are… Frankenshlammer!
If Conan was black then he would be Co’nan…thats a black arab guy…or a gypsy from Van Helsing’s hood. still black yes…a black heart for the gypsy though
I am John Milius’s raging trigger finger.
For those who are debating the choice to cast Momoa as Conan, you should realize that he is way more true to Robert E. Howard’s description of Conan than Arnold. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Arnold in the first Conan movies, but I’m really excited to see how Momoa fits in this role.