Everyone give it up for our long-suffering video editor, Oliver Noble, because he's really outdone himself this time. Oliver watched every Steven Seagal movie in its entirety -- an undertaking whose psychological effects scientists are only beginning to understand -- in order to compile every bone break in every Steven Seagal movie. CAN YOU GUESS HOW MANY BONES STEVEN SEAGAL HAS BROKEN? Better yet, CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHO DID BOBBY LUPO?? (*puts pool ball in sock, swings it angrily at cats*)
I hope you all enjoy this little game, because Oliver will never be the same (you may notice from the opening titles that the sleep deprivation may have affected his grasp of grammar) . He now looks at every stranger as a potential encroacher on sacred Indian land; holds all utensils pointy-side down, like the Tommy Lee Jones-knife-fight scene from Under Siege. Last I saw him, he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing a plus-sized kimono, slowly rocking himself back and forth, muttering, "Me want the poonani, me want the poonani..."
Pictured: From our "Steven Seagal Invented Everything" collection. Here's how that started.
See more Steven Seagal fight scenes after the jump.
The Under Siege Knife fight
Anyone seen Bobby Lupo!? (Out for Justice)
Scene from a more recent Seagal flick, Kill Switch. Dig the Southern accent.
Just for fun:
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Vince, we as Filmdrunkards simply aren’t gaying out enough for how awesome Oliver Noble is. The Mighty Feklahr asserts that we should name a circle jerk term after Oliver…”Goin’ Noble”?
All those bone breaks are like
Steven Seagall’smusic to my earsOh, is His memory fading or didn’t Seagal do something messed up to Screwface in “Marked For Death”?
(tee hee hee…”Screwface”)
fek he beheaded screwface and showed it off ala medusa and clash of titans
My favorite Seagal line ever: “I’m gonna take you to the bank Senator Trent…..to the Blood Bank.”
[www.youtube.com]
It would be pretty hard for Tommy Lee Jones to have a knife fight in Under Siege 2, seeing as how he was killed by the knife fight in Under Siege.
/glayvin
Aw, italics fail.
On the plus side, I was really cheering for Seagal to get to 100 broken bones. Awesome video.
Hammer-He beheaded the FIRST Screwface, but didn’t he like poke out Screwface 2′s eyes and toss him down an elevator shaft after messing him up?
Screwface-The face Oliver Noble makes as pivot man?
Well la di da Mr. I-Fact-Checked-You-Based-on-Video-You-Yourself-posted.
/breaks own pinky in penance
Better watch your mouth, Manweenie, that dude is dynamite with a boom mic!
*Cardassian cross-dressers Can-can on to stage, large hook pulls Klingon off*
The sound FX made that video. The Seagal Snap is the new Wilhelm Scream.
Oliver Noble broke my bone with this video.
did he also invent running like Harrison Ford? look it up.
Steven Seagal: Urban Chiropractor.
Didn’t he break a guy’s forehead with a pool ball in a sock or some shit?
Man if I meet this Machida-Kun I am not fucking with him. He knows way too much crazy shit.
Seagal has tutored many promising fighters. For example, he taught Anderson Silva the “Front Kick”, and he taught Roy Nelson the “Bishop’s Buffet Courtesy Tap”.
I had a unique physiological reaction to that mashup,
Wait, he didn’t break any bones in Machete?
Looks like most of the breaks came from movies in the past 5 years. He also ‘want the poonani’. Correlation or causation?
This video is also a concise time-line on how Seagal went from breaking bones in those movies to breaking their catering budgets.
I like watching the progression of how fat Steven Seagal gets as these go along.
I gotta say I’m a bit disapointed that I’ve broken more bones than Seagal, sure the old people at the mall don’t put up much resistance when you push them down the esalators but it still counts!
Inspired by this video edit, I created fitness advertising copy for the Steven Seagal Joint Mobility Certification: [georgesamuelson.com]
Within two hours, I had received requests if this was an actual certification, etc. Great job Oliver and FD!
Not to nitpick, and maybe I missed it in the mashup, but I’m pretty sure that Seagal breaks the second Screwface’s back at the end of Marked for Death, right before throwing him down the elevator shaft (4:12 mark of video) = [www.youtube.com]
So I’m about a year late to the party, but does “Above the Law” not count as a Steven Seagal movie? I mean, it’s only the first feature film he starred in. In fact, most of his signature moves were covered in ATL and then repeated in lesser movies. So nice video and all, but you missed some.