I know, I know, “prison MMA” sounds like as good a euphemism for anal rape as “submission wrestling” is for sex. But today we’re talking about the un-euphemistic kind, a venture Danny Trejo is helping to sponsor, a promotion which will pit ex-cons against “hard-hitting police officers, prison guards, firefighters, teachers, Marines and other members of the military and law enforcement.” So, basically The Longest Yard, but with MMA. Ooh, “yard” is also a prison term!
The first event is scheduled to go down May 21st at the LA Memorial Coliseum and Sports Arena, co-hosted by Trejo and, ahem, Tommy “Tiny” Lister, best known for playing Deebo in Friday. Is it legit? Let’s just say I wouldn’t buy your tickets until the day of. And trust me, you’ll want to read these block quotes:
On May 21, 2011, Cage vs. Cons 1 will take place at the Los Angeles Sports Arena. The event will feature one of the world’s largest hip-hop festivals, a tattoo expo, and 10 savage Pro. MMA matches pitting ex-cons against all-comers, including a police officer, a firefighter, a teacher and three military veterans who fought in the Iraq War.
What, no porn shoot? Come on, we’re combining fan bases here. Also, how do you capitalize “Pro MMA” but not “savage”? That just seems like a typo.
[from Deebo’s bio section] Lister has had numerous guest appearances in TV series, including playing Klaang (the first Klingon ever to make contact with humans) in the pilot episode of Star Trek: Enterprise [the one where Scott Bakula played Captain Jonathan Archer -Ed.]. He also co-starred in an episode of the courtroom series “Matlock” as Mr. Matlock’s in-prison bodyguard.
Aw, don’t stop there, what about when he played “alligator wrangler 4” in Baywatch: Everglades? This is the man’s legacy. Oh, but we still haven’t even gotten to my absolute favorite quote of the entire website:
[About Cage vs. Cons] The unique concept generates instant rivalries, mouth-dropping storylines, and identifiable heroes and villains for the fans to root for or against—all combining to create fights that overflow with a savage energy unmatched in the MMA world. Unlike more corporate MMA companies, Cage vs. Cons is steeped in street credibility. [via CageVsCons]
STEEPED IN IT! SLOW BREWED FOR MAXIMUM FLAVOR, LIKE TOILET GIN, OR CHAMOMILE TEA! I like imagine this copywriter shirtless in a coffee shop, quietly typing on his Mac, “EVOCATIVE GANGSTA” tattooed across his stomach in Old English script.
Here’s the promo video, which includes footage from the promoters’ previous venture “Felony Fights.” Familiar readers know I’m a die-hard MMA fan, so I’m not one to recoil at the sight of good old-fashioned fisticuffs. But Joe King showed me Felony Fights once upon a time, and I can report that it is truly one of the gnarliest things I’ve ever seen (probably worse than Bum Fights), and I’m not one to use the term “gnarly” lightly. That short clip of two guys fighting in an orange grove ends with one guy stomping an unconscious guy’s head into the dirt for at least 90 seconds. I guess it’s hard to referee and hold a camera at the same time. Sanctions? Not even, ése! Anyway, if there’s a point to all this, and I’m not sure there is, it’s that Danny Trejo is still keeping it pretty real. And there’s a good chance everyone who goes to this is going to get arrested.