Charlie Sheen’s all-out, F-18 media napalm attack continued today with interviews with Piers Morgan and Howard Stern, and I’m sick of pretending that covering Charlie Sheen is not just bitchin’, all-out winning every second.  He seemed a little more subdued today, probably a combination of hearing his ridiculous quotes read back to him and the weekend’s coke binge wearing off, but nonetheless, the grand warlock still delivered a few gnarlington Sheenisms.  On the subject of Sheen’s meltdown, I think Patton Oswalt said it best:

The lesson of Charlie Sheen: cocaine makes dumb, boring people feel smart, magical.

Charlie Sheen quotes from the sheen-tattoo

“There’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

“I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a seven-year old.”

Quotes from the Howard Stern interview (as compiled by me from this morning’s live show):

“I’m shakin’ a tree.  I’m shakin’ all the trees. ”

[On why he's so quotable] “I’m grandiose.  Because I live a grandiose life.  I’m not aw shucks… because I’m gnarly.”

“I’m celebrating me, every day.”

[On Sean Penn, who called to offer support] “He is the best actor in the history of the spoken word.  We must honor him as a national hero, period the end.  He’s got tiger blood, he’s got adonis DNA, he gets it.”

[On Mel Gibson calling to offer support] “Mel’s a rockstar, I love it.”

[On past prostitutes who've gone public with their Charlie Sheen stories] “Yeah, where is she now?  She’s under a bridge.”

What is so bad about being under bridges, anyway?  Bridges should sue Anthony Keidis for defamation.

[On Two and a Half Men, and possibly being replaced] “They all get what they deserve at that point.”

Scary foreshadowing when you’re dealing with a magical warlock.  No, ‘magical warlock’ is not redundant, THAT’S JUST HOW MAGICAL HE IS.  Do the math.

[Upon being asked, 'What do you mean when you say you have tiger's blood] “It’s a metaphor for having absolute rocket fuel in my veins.  That’s why people cannot process me.”

Tiger’s blood is just a metaphor for the literal rocket fuel that actually courses through my veins and powers my flaming fists, you see.

“I live inside the truth, and you cannot debate me.”

“Panic is for amateurs and morons.”

[On being asked, 'Are you worth a hundred million dollars?'] “I think I’m worth over a 100 BILLION dollars, but that’s just on a cellular level.”

[On being asked, 'Didn't you used to bang Tabitha Stevens?'] “Yeah, like a thousand years agao when she was hot.”

['And what was that like?'] “I dunno, I was loaded, dude.”

“I’m sober down to my Adonis DNA.”

“And for those that are not onboard, it’s like, ‘Catch ya in the rearview, losers.’”

How the hell is this guy passing drug tests?  He talks like he’s been doing nothing but railing lines, watching Boiler Room, and listening to Tucker Max audiobooks for the last 72 hours.  As Ufford pointed out, “I’m starting to believe that maybe he’s NOT on drugs and he really is an alien god-king.”

Meanwhile, Chuck Lorre, aka Chaim Levine, had his own typically vanity-card based response:

I understand that I’m under a lot of pressure to respond to certain statements made about me recently. The following are my uncensored thoughts. I hope this will put an end to any further speculation.

I believe that consciousness creates the illusion of individuation, the false feeling of being separate. In other words, I am aware, ergo I am alone. I further believe that this existential misunderstanding is the prime motivating force for the neurotic compulsion to blot out consciousness. This explains the paradox of our culture, which celebrates the ego while simultaneously promoting its evisceration with drugs and alcohol. It also clarifies our deep-seated fear of monolithic, one-minded systems like communism, religious fundamentalism, zombies and invaders from Mars. Each one is a dark echo of an oceanic state of unifying transcendence from which consciousness must, by nature, flee. The Fall from Grace is, in fact, a Sprint from Grace. Or perhaps more accurately, “Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”

Questions?

Is this some showbiz game, like Good Cop, Bad Cop?  Only it’s Quotable A-Hole, Insufferable A-Hole?  Jesus, having those two blowhards same set must create enough hot air to power a thousand zeppelins.

[Banner video via HowardTV, where you'll be able to see the full video tomorrow on On Demand]