Before I recount to you the following article about the premiere of Just Go With It (attended by Brooklyn Decker and her awesome outfit), I must preface it by reminding you that Variety is Hollywood’s premiere trade publication and has been for going on 70 years. God knows it doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously, but sadly, it totally is.
Now then. Everything about this Variety article by Lucas Shaw is so insanely pointless and idiotic that your co-worker’s recap of her non-sequitur dream about a cat is the Library of Alexandria by comparison. A thousand years from now, it will be recognized as the Dead Sea Scrolls of moronic entertainment journalism. It makes Pete Hammond look like Shakespeare.
Red carpet war of words
Dan Patrick assess the ‘Just Go With It’ cast [sic]
Dan Patrick has spent the bulk of his career reporting on competitions for the likes of CNN and ESPN, but his expert judgments went unwanted at Tuesday’s preem of Columbia’s “Just Go With It.”
A preem? Wait, that’s not a whole word! Quick, shove this article back in your uterus, I can’t afford these medical bills!
Patrick plays the judge of a hula contest in the Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston comedy, and during filming he says he was quite impressed with bit player Nicole Kidman. “If you see Kidman, Kidman is an athlete,” he said outside Ziegfeld’s, referring to the hula competish with Aniston.
A ‘competish!’ Haha, this is so breezy! I love it. Wait, what the f*ck are we talking about again? I’ve got my quill and legal pad all ready to go, but so far all I’ve written on it is “Dan Patrick played a hula judge.” And if anyone sees it, let’s be honest, I’ll probably be committed. Something like that, you just as soon use the paper to make yourself a diaper and turn the phrase into something you shout at passing pigeons for all the sense it makes. DAN PATRICK PLAYED A HULA JUDGE! THE PENGUIN’S FECES MAKES SAUCE FOR PORRIDGE! OLIVE LOAF!
Helmer Dennis Dugan found Patrick’s remarks ill-advised. “If I were Dan, I wouldn’t say that when Jennifer Aniston comes walking by because she’ll take Dan down,” he quipped. “Jennifer Aniston is way tougher than Dan Patrick.”
If you compliment Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Aniston will fight you, that’s my take away from this. What if I praise Willow Smith’s dance skills? Same deal? Why’s that Aniston bitch so jealous? And why are ESPN’s employees so effeminate?
As the hula contest was filmed, another competition of sorts transpired on set in the form of a swear jar. Again Patrick offered his insights, identifying the biggest culprit. “I think Dave Matthews,” he said. “Dave Matthews – potty mouth.”
From one competition to the next! Of sorts! Why, the transition is so smooth and silky I could fashion it into a brassiere for the queen! “A HULA CONTEST? WHY THAT REMINDS ME OF THE SWEAR JAR I CREATED FOR DAVE MATTHEWS!” -No one, not even in the Family Guy writer’s room.
“He’s just saying that,” Matthews countered. “Dan Patrick is a filthy pig. He’s the filthiest pig I ever met in my life and that’s saying a lot. Seriously, he is a filthy pig.”
Contact the variety newsroom at news@variety.com [Editor's Note: I did not remove a single word of this article]
Dan Patrick is a filthy pig, and let me tell you something, pendejo: Dave Matthews knows filthy pigs. Dan Patrick is a pig so thickly caked with his own excrement that he’s not fit to judge Jennifer Aniston’s hula contest, and that is a fact. Seriously, I know. I farmed pigs.
If you know of any late-breaking news stories, please email the Variety news room. You may have to try twice. They’re very busy.
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I feel dizzy.
Dear people of Egypt,
Stop dying for your freedom, this is all that you will get. Totally not worth it.
Sincerely,
Americans
keith olbermann told me he once judged a hairy taint contest between Patrick, Linda Cohn and Chris Berman. Linda won by a nose.
Correction – that was from the Drunkards. The letter from the rest of America goes as follows:
Dearrppppppppppppp,
HUUUURRRRR 2 AND A HAF MEN IS DA SHIT YO. LOL. WHEN THEY GON HAVE PAUL BLART GUEST STAR?
After the Hula contest, Matthews, drunk, demanded to see Kidman’s “Aussie Nipsies” and when Nicole rebuffed the offer, he called her a “Kangaroo Kunt.” Ever a man of his word, Matthews ponied up a one-ounce gold Krugerrand for the cuss jar, as Sandler nodded approvingly.
Is a cuss jar what I think it is?
(Australian monkey fu fu)
They should release a Babelfish program so you can decipher moronic ‘Variety-speak’ and find out what they fuck they meen by terms like: ‘prexy’, ‘veep’, ‘laffer’ and a whole host fo others that make my vagina itchy.
‘mean’.
Christ, maybe I should get a job writing for Variety.
I always pronounce cunt with a K
Cheesy fake words like “competish” make me want to punch someone. IT’S NOT CUTE. IT’S NOT EVEN ENOUGH OF AN ABBREVIATION TO MAKE SENSE.
Screw the swear jar. They should have to put money in a “stupid fake words” jar.
MUST everything be about Chris Kattan’s hard weiner?!?
Shockingly asinine? Come on, Vince. We know you’re too much of a pessimistic misanthrope to be surprised by such a plebeian lexicon.
*smokes pipe, puts on Oreo monocle*
Was Dave Matthews particularly high when he signed up for this?
My inner college freshman is disappoint.
What’s a Plebeian?
Sickly Glen did want to know what Rachel Dratch was up to. The end of the world as we know it apparently.
Patty, they need that extra syllable for real stories about more cerebral matters like Scarlett Johansson’s new hairstyle. And by that I mean – OMG ScarJo haz noo ‘do!
Look on the bright side, if this post pisses you off you can always just masturbate to that B. Decker pic
a second timeOn lucky number 3 Glen
So can her official married couple name be BrokeDikc?
Vince, I’m sorry, but this is a completely misleading post. And it looks like you spent way too much time dissecting a throwaway “V Page” party story. These aren’t news stories, they’re just silly, fun, gossipy blurbs from premieres, screenings, festivals, conventions, etc. This isn’t a news story. I know you’re having some fun here to drive up hits, but seriously, a little context would be nice. Either that, or perhaps you’ve honestly never actually picked up a copy of Variety. Either way, this is a silly post about a silly story.
I didn’t think that was real. I’d rather count the folds around Rosie O’Donnell’s snatch than read that again.
Useless Dan Patrick articles are fine as long as you give equal time to the origin story of Stuart Scott’s glass eye.
Just plain weak. Patrick will never be the new Jim Lampley until he marries a pterodactyl.
Danica Patrick is a hula judge? That filthy pig.
Re: Patcheee–sounds like *some*body has sand stuck in her V Page. Silly, silly sand.