Though it was actually in 2007, it feels like it was only yesterday that we discovered Bruce Greenwood’s “intricate interpretation” of the “aching vulnerability” in the portrayal of even his most discromulent characters (he also invented an inflatable hat). Of course, when you’re a Christ-like figure beloved in all corners of the globe like Bruce Greenwood, there are bound to be pretenders, and it seems one of them is none other than Corbin Bernsen (BERNSEN!). I mean, just listen to Bernsen’s IMDB profile and its pathetic attempts to make him seem more Greenwoodlian.
Rugged, hirsutely handsome Corbin Bernsen blazed to TV stardom in 1986 on “L.A. Law” (1986) as opportunistic divorce lawyer “Arnie Becker”, whose blond and brash good looks, impish grin and aggressive courting style proved a wild sex magnet to not only the beautiful female clients desirous of his “services”, but his own lovelorn secretary who frequently bailed him out of trouble.
“Hirsute” means hairy, and Corbin Bernsen is bald and clean shaven. So whoever wrote “hirsutely handsome”… must’ve been staring at his chest. That actually makes complete sense.
Bernsen invested the Becker character with a likable “bad boy” charm that made him a favorite among the tight ensemble for eight solid seasons. In the process, he earned multiple Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. He also proved the role was no flash-in-the-pan or dead-end stereotype, maintaining a steady career over the course of three decades now with no signs of let up. Moreover, his deep love for acting and intent devotion to his career recently impelled him to climb into the producer/director’s chair.
Oh God, your tight ensemble is gettin me all hot. Quick, climb in my director’s chair!
In between, he still shows off as a master carpenter at home and continues to dabble in writing. Perseverance and dedication has played a large part in the acting success of Corbin Bernsen. Gleaning a savvy, take-charge approach hasn’t hurt either — characteristics worthy of many of the sharpies he’s played on screen.
[...] Topping it off, Corbin’s title role in the expert thriller The Dentist (1996) had audiences excogitating a similar paranoia of tooth doctors as Anthony Perkins had decades before with motel clerks.
Wait a second… “Excogitating”… Hitchcock reference… I think I know who’s behind this! (*pulls mask off mystery writer to reveal… ARMOND WHITE!*) DUNT DUNT DUUUUUUHHHH!
ARMOND WHITE: Okay, I did it! And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you crude interlopers to a once august profession! Corbin Bernsen is just so dreamy! The burnished patina of his bronzed torso makes Bruce Greenwood look positively Fincher-esque by comparison! You’re blind, you’ve just been duped by the capitalist materiocracy! Someday I’ll show you! I’LL SHOW YOU ALL! (*gets dragged away by police*)
HOBERMAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!
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Corbin Bernsen is the lazy man’s Bruce Greenwood. And the idiotic man’s Bruce Campbell.
[Pulls up on green rickshaw being pulled by a nubian with a Nerf gun]
Stay Kato! Stay!
OK this was clearly A Dubs, because, “…He also proved the role was no flash-in-the-pan or dead-end stereotype, maintaining a steady career over the course of three decades now with no signs of let up…” is the most ebulliently verbose manner of stating Corbin’s complete and abject lack of range.
Corbin Bernsen will always be a wild-swingin’, voodoo worshipping, Afro-Carribean power hitter to me. I say “Fuck You Jobu”!
Ya, the role was no flash in the pan, he burned that motherfucker to slag with his dignity in it.
Vívá lá çórréçíóñés: Caribbean.
Bastard Latinos and their double-B’s…
Shall I begin?
Corbin Bernsen went to England after he got a sex change so he could play Ophelia at the Globe and “Blow some Victorian mind.”
And of course we all remember Bernsen best from his cameo role as “Q2″ in the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode of “Deja Q”.
Guy’cha! That Trekkie guy is such a fag. }}:>(
Corbin Bersen was origionally cast in the role of Jean Girard in Talladega Nights, but lost it to Sacha Baron Cohen because he wouldn’t take an 8″ dildo in the ass.
Corbin Bernsen moved an entire audience to a furious fit of vomiting during a performance of Equus.
That’s a little better than Larry Drake’s IMDB profile:
“Good enough to play a retard.”
Corbin Bernsen once serenaded a woman so beautifully that she was moved to march straight to her husband and tell him flat to his face “Go outside and kick that motherfucker’s ass and I’ll let you stick it wherever you want tonight.”
Corbin Bernsen once put out a candle by licking his fingers and pinching off the flame; he ended up in intensive care.
I’ll let you stick it wherever you want tonight.
Last time His wife told Him that, He ended up fucking the neighbour’s dog! ROFLKOTAL!
Corbin Bernsen donated his sandy locks to a cancer patient, but demanded them back when that little ingrate went and died on them.
Corbin Bernsen thinks he invented Steven Seagal.
Corbin Bernsen proved righty tighty lefty loosey wrong. With a Zuzu pet and a toilet paper roll.
Corbin Bernsen’s lifelong dream is to be the second man to discover the Higgs Boson.
Steven Seagal thinks Corbin Bernsen invented him.
Bernsen’s suppositorily enchanting skills as a master thespian continue to de-ferment even the most fermentated of critics.
Corbin Bernsen once got high as fuck in college and ate the goo in his lava lamp. He shat out Paul Walker.
Corbin Bernsen uses sex lube to shave.
Corbin Bernsen is responsible for the fries at In-and-Out burger.
Corbin Bernsen knows the meaning of the word “consensual”, just not the spelling.
Corbin Bernsen knows all but ONE of the ingredients for both Coca Cola and the Colonel’s Fried Chicken.
This seems like a good time to revisit Randy Quaid’s imdb bio (as written by his agent’s wife):
Bruce Greenwood just brushed the dust of the bones of the unborn from his hands and started walking slowly westward towards LA from deep in the wastes of the high desert.
Corbin Bernsen yells “ELBBOR ELBBOR” at the Hamburglar to make him disappear.
Corbin Benson, a man who took a bus to Hollywood with nothing but his raw onion.
There, he changed his name to Bernsen as he though it would impress the Hebrews.
Corbin Bernsen made his first million selling sunburn oil.
Corbin Bernsen is the poor man’s Corbin Bernsen
Has Greenwood cured Alzheimer’s yet? Jesus.
Corbin Bernsen takes supreme pride in the fact that his was always one of the first names on the roll call list.
Corbin Bernsen doesn’t know how to get testicles to stop descending.
Corbin Bernsen is Paul Blart’s spirit guide.
Corbin Bernsen bleaches his anus.
Corbin Bernsen doesn’t have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame but he does have a stall in the gents of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre named after him because he once took a two hour shit there.
This Corbin Bersen bio is the fine, fine work of IMDB’s most prolific biography writer, one Gary Brumburgh, aka. the Hemingway of teh Internets. Click on his name at the end of the Bersen bio and behold the breadth and depth of Brumbergh’s amazing work. Bernsen is just the tip of the iceberg. Coincidentally, “Just the Tip” is Bernsen’s favorite game to play with his Guatemalan cabana boy. Which I learned from his IMDB bio.
BOOM! Full circle. I’m like the Gary Brumburgh of FilmDrunk commenters.
This thread is threatening to Bernsen James Franco.
Bernsen.
Corbin Bernsen has a humdrum reaction to arousal.
Corbin Bernsen also has a pooper scooper named after him.
Is it weird that I am now using the above picture for my desktop’s background?
I didn’t think so.
Corbin Bernsen sends get well cards to people with cleft palates.
Corbin Bersens dad runs a pageantry magazine.
Corbin Bernsen’s favourite currency is the Vietnamese đồng.
Clubbin Baby Buffer Bumper Up!
Corbin Bernsen shares a love of interior design with Nicolas Cage’s hair.
Corbin Bernsen invented the offside rule and applies it often.
The Bernsen Burner is a sexual act which quite frankly is preposterous as it involves inserting phosphorus.
Corbin Bernsen was the only one with big enough balls to return for MAJOR LEAGUE: BACK TO THE MINORS.
Balls, and a shit load of calls from debt collectors.
I don’t want to brag here but when I was a kid I recognized Roger Dorn at the Vegas airport. He was on my flight. I built up the courage to go up to first class and say, ‘Excuse me Mr. Bersen, may I have your autograph?’ He obliged. And signed my air sickness bag. I tacked it to the wall above my bed. The end.
Anyone else surprised Bernsen flew first class in the 90s?
“Corbin Bernsen” is the codename Charlie Sheen uses.