Charlie Sheen is doing it live right now on TMZ, and it’s a little silly to pretend anyone’s doing anything else but sitting here under our troll bridges with our ugly troll wives and being in awe of this outer-space warrior king. Quotes so far:
AA is the gibberish of fools.
If you follow my plan everyone wins. If you follow their plan, it’s very terrestrial based, and…
Rock bottom? That’s a fishing term.
[On the Goddesses and people's criticism] They can’t process it and all they are is jealous, and they’re like I can’t stop thinking about it with my ugly wife and I’m losing and he’s winning!
Why didn’t Les Moonves fire Chuck Lorre and embarrass him in front of his children when he was on a campaign to destroy me? It’s like, your clean up hitter’s on the bench and just ready to crush.
[Just compared himself to a prisoner getting "shanked in the yard."]
I’m a grandiose life, and I’m embracing it. I got wisdom and I got stories, man. Sorry, the scoreboard doesn’t lie.
[On Two and a Half Men] I started it, and I continued it, and Chuck was there to support it.
“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.“
Holy sh*t, he has rocket fuel in the tip of his sabre? How do they even do that? Does that mean this sabre glows blue-hot like an elven blade? I need to hang out at Charlie Sheen’s house. [This post is ongoing]
Are you guys starting to get the winning concept? Anyone? I’m sorry my life’s so much more bitchin’ than yours. Winning.
Not all of this is totally serious. There’s a reason that I have MAD success in comedy.
You’re a ballplayer, you know the scoreboard doesn’t lie. My scoreboard doesn’t lie.
When you threaten the safety of my family, we go to war, and defeat is not an option.
At this point, I imagine him going Giving Tree on everyone, chucking apples at the interviewer’s head yelling, “DEATH FROM ABOVE!”
Okay, it’s finally over. My God, this is the best thing to ever happen to the internet. I feel like I need five cigarettes and a line of Charlie Sheen. He is the gift that keeps on giving. OH MY GOD, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE GIVING TREE TATTOO! C
After this video was over, Sheen traveled back in time and killed a WWI vet.
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What are the odds that he drops dead during this?
This character is so much better than Juaquin’s other two!
“You can’t party and be sober.” The man is a genius. WINNING.
The West Wing messed with Aaron Sorkin’s blend…
And they swing the camera on porn girl for a comment and she comes up with Hi Mom…
This is the gift that keeps on giving.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT FRANCO
Tip of my sabre could a nickname for penis I suppose? If only we trolls with our ugly wives could understand Charlie’s genius!
Charlie Sheen will host next year’s Oscars. In 4D.
He will ask Mel Gibson will present an award: “The nominees for Best Supporting Sugar Tits will blow me.”.
“Come on, man…look at my gym. See that on the floor? A medicine ball covered in snot! WINNING! I give fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses enemas with Jobu’s rum. Bring it!”
He will ask Mel Gibson TO present an award: “The nominees for Best Supporting Sugar Tits will blow me.”.
I have taken one too many hits of Charlie Sheen. I fear I will OD in 4D.
America Held Captive, Day 4.
I’m hoping you guys have secured @notcharliesheen…
Someone needs to get Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey in a room with a stack of paper and a box of crayons. The ordinance that would be dropped out that F-18 would destroy the world and rebuild it into some kind of gnarly gnarlington that we have yet to experience.
Gary Busey is going to be found dead from autoerotic asphyxiation with a loop of Charlie Sheen interviews playing in the background.
The loss of on set jobs from Two and a Half Men’s cancellation coupled with the decline in workday productivity due to Sheen’s ongoing interviews might be enough to cause a double dip recession
Charlie Sheen is a Quad Steak Burrito come to life.
“7 grams of Charlie Sheen” is the new “6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.”
@GBHA–imagine the economic effects of Charlie Sheen actually getting sober. Or sabre.
The scoreboard lies like a motherfucker when it’s coked up.
“Not all of this is totally serious.”
“Other than you being clean, which parts are jokes?”
At least no one is talking about fucking Banksy anymore.
What it this really isn’t Charlie Sheen and we’ve been Franco’ed again?
In other news, it’s good to see the dude from the Deftones found a new job.
Ooooh, Asher…this ain’t gonna be pretty…
At this point I think CS is just doing interviews to fuck over Gary Winick.
I fully expect sales of Hanes tagless shirts to quadruple. Sheen could walk right through Juarez and no one would say a word…they’d just bow their heads in reverence.
*shakes fist at Asher*
Remember when you could say someone had a “winning personality” and it would mean something vaguely complimentary, rather than “drug-addled ego-maniacal poonhound”?
*sigh*
I miss 2010.
If having enough money to not give a fuck and living with your estranged wife and pornstar girlfriends is winning then…
I am a fucking loser. I hate my life.
Introducing: The New King of Libya
Dude is one more eightball away from an 80′s WWF promo
WHAT? I SAID I WAS HAPPY FOR HIM!
Protip : Don’t leave the TMZ feed running in a forgotten tab (unless you want to simulate schizophrenia).
No wonder he struck out Clu Haywood.
This reads lke the imdb quotes page for This Is Spinal Tap.
Someone needs to make a Charlie Sheen ‘COME AT ME BRO’
He’s carefully laying the groundwork for his insanity defense, just in case he should ever need one. His mind is playing that many moves ahead, man, and you can only stand by and marvel. Winning!
Read the scoreboard, losers.
Charlie is my god.
Charlie Sheen is 8 days away from quoting Raul Julia’s lines verbatim from Street Fighter.
“For you, the day THE SHEEN graced your television set was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.”
Fuck Pandora. I want to go wherever Charlie Sheen lives on planet FUCKAWESOME.
Sheen needs to have the saber forged into a walker; and if sonic the hedgehog is reporting for tmz I’ve sweet hopes for a promotion yet!!!!!
You’ve heard of unmanned spaceflight. Charlie Sheen pioneered unshipped spaceflight.
Looks like he’s aged 20 years. Too much narli-itis.
I am in awe of his hubris. So much so that I created a fan page to it: [www.facebook.com] Lets get this winning movement going!
Charlie Sheen is the third Mooninite.