
I still remember where I was the first time I saw the teaser for Rubber. I was sitting here on my jack-off couch, writing about it. (What? I didn’t say it was a good story.) I remember it because Rubber is a movie about a psycho-kinetic tire that explodes people’s heads. Additionally, the tire is named “Robert.” That seems important.
RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages. In theaters April 1st. [Apple]
Rubber was directed by Quentin Dupieux, a “legendary electro musician” also known as Mr. Oizo. Do you know how awesome a movie would have to be for me not to make fun of it for being directed by a French techno musician (that’s like the pink unicorn of gay horses!)? It would have to be scrotum-clenchingly kickass. It would have to be about an evil tire.




Don’t beg for mercy, ’cause he’s got none to spare.
Looks like 2011 could be a good year for movies!
Chief: “That’s the fifth body this week. He’s on a roll.”
Johnson: “We’ve looked everywhere, Chief. Even my wife’s midsection!”
Chief: “YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE, JOHNSON?”
He’s ALL JACKED UP!
He’s the JUNK in your TRUNK!
He never gets tired of you sticking things in his hole. Ah shit, I’m already tired of this schtick. Can I just talk about that dolphin boinking dude?
I will only let my kids watch this if the soundtrack features The wheels on the bus go boom, boom, boom.
Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’– (*cop shoots Fred Durst in the face*)
Pretty sure his name is Rubert, he keeps exploding people for getting it wrong.
Not very rational for something that’s Vulcanized.
Radi
cal !He’s kinda sexy, hope he’s a swinger!
I just hope he’s not looking to get rimmed.
This well-tread genre is so tired.
A sentient tire that makes people’s brains explode? Are we sure this isn’t Japanese?
Toyo or Yokohama, Patty? This is so metal!
(ok, steel-belted maybe)
How many reviews will use the phrase, “spare me?”
That’s just how he rolls.
You’d be mad too if they hung a bunch of your brothers from trees.
That beautiful and mysterious woman will have to burn rubber if she wants to survive.
When the rubber meets the road your head will explode.
The Tire Nation motto: Don’t Tread On Me
(why is it inexplicable that a desert tire comes to life?)
[www.seadeeper.com]
This short story, and the ensuing critique/discussion we had in class, is one of the few things I retained from college and seemed oddly appropriate here.
Robert… Robèr…Rubber!
Mind blown Mr. Oiseau but next time I’ll go with the ketamine and persistent repetitive bass loops if you don’t mind.
Here I stand, the goddess of Desire,
set men on fire,
I have this power,
morning noon and night it’s drink and dancing,
some quick romancing,
and then a quick shower,
stage door johnnies always surround me,
they always hound me,
with one request,
who can satisfy their lustful habits,
I’m not a rabbit!
I need some rest!
I’m a tire,
sick and a tire of love,
I’ve had my fill of love,
from below and above,
a tire,
a tire of being admired,
a tire of love uninspired,
let’s face it,
I’m a tire!
Music by Mr. Oizo? My friends used to call me Mr. Ouzo. Until the…unpleasantness.
I sure hope that the check they gave Robert doesn’t bounce so he can retire in a good year or so!
Pan, that was wheely wheely beautiful. Can I intwest you in a wurst?
Kevin Smith was the original director, but he kept mistaking the star of the movie for a giant donut.
NOM NOM NOM.
That tire’s got drive! He’s going places.
The inevitable porn parody will take place at Big O, amirite? Or maybe Firestone CC…
/I know, this schtick has run flat!
I’m glad this film was made by a French techno musician. If Hollywood had made it they would have had Robert wear a spinner rim, to help appeal to “urban” audiences.
Leaving skidmarks you can’t just wash out