Here we have the first shot of the full cast of the Red Dawn remake (thanks to DailyBlam). Thor‘s Chris Hemsworth and The Wackness‘s Josh Peck play the Eckert-brother roles Charlie Sheen and Patrick Swayze played in the original. Rounding out the cast are Josh Hutcherson, Adrianne Palicki, Isabel Lucas, Edwin Hodge, Alyssa Diaz, and– What! No Asian chick!? That does it, I’m calling my congressman. …Congressperson.
Now that MGM seems to have their financial troubles worked out, the plan is to get this one released this year. Making his directing debut is veteran stunt man Dan Bradley, second unit director on Green Zone, Quantum of Solace, the Bourne movies, Indiana Jones 4, etc. This time around, the Chinese have invaded Spokane, and the script I saw was prettay, prettay cheeseball. Er, I mean “faithful to the original.”
The original, released in 1984, written and directed by infamous hippie-hater John Milius (who inspired the Walter Sobchek character in Big Lebowski), was considered the most violent movie of its time with 134 acts of violence per hour, and was named the 15th best conservative movie of all time by the National Review. As contemporized for modern conservatives, I’m surprised the remake doesn’t feature an invasion by Mexico. Sure, Mexico might not have as many tanks, but have you seen how many soldiers they can pack into them?
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OK, so The Mighty Feklahr pulled the trigger a little too early with the disappoint pic…
…a new slant on a old classic.
Take a good look at that picture- these people are going to be the first against the wall when China calls in its debts and buys the US Government. And I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords.
That kid in the plaid and vest…did David Spade and Rivers Cuomo have a son?
So, wait … the Chinese invaded the rec center?
Little known fact: Red Dawn was the first PG-13 movie. Also, the last time “Wolverines!” was connected to victory.
/grr football
The Chinese must be driven out of Spokane but they are welcome to decimate Forks.
/not sure why the black guy isn’t holding his gun sideways
What are the odds that none of these dipshits has fired a real gun?
Just give the chinamen their deer penises. There can’t be anything else in Spokane they want.
The filmmakers would’ve included a Mexican invasion in the movie if the government would let them film battle scenes in state welfare offices
I’ve been to Spokane, the Chinese can have it. Which reminds me: Speaking of Spokane and filmdrunk, have you read “Citizen Vince” by Jess Walter?
It’s about this discovering alcoholic who writes a movie blog that involves a lot of dismissive wanking motions and one day wakes up with a sore anus and Channing Tatum in his bed, and-
OK, maybe not. It’s about a low-level mobster in witness protection relocated to Spokane in 1980. Because he has a new identity he now has something he’s never had before: A social security card. Which means he can vote for the first time in his life, and the Presidential election between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan is underway.
So this minor Guido has to suddenly learn about politics. Not a bad read and only ten bucks on amazon. The Upsetter sez check it out…I’ve been to Spokane, the Chinese can have it. Which reminds me: Speaking of Spokane and filmdrunk, have you read “Citizen Vince” by Jess Walter?
It’s about this discovering alcoholic who writes a movie blog that involves a lot of dismissive wanking motions and one day wakes up with a sore anus and Channing Tatum in his bed, and-
OK, maybe not. It’s about a low-level mobster in witness protection relocated to Spokane in 1980. Because he has a new identity he now has something he’s never had before: A social security card. Which means he can vote for the first time in his life, and the Presidential election between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan is underway.
So this minor Guido has to suddenly learn about politics. Not a bad read and only ten bucks on amazon. The Upsetter sez check it out…
*pops out of a hole in the ground*
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MYYYYYYYYYYYY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!
The original’s Guiness World Record is meaningless. What is 134 discreet acts of violence per hour, compared with the constant and unremitting horror of Twilight?
If you hadn’t told me this was from Red Dawn, I would of assumed the banner pic was from the WB’s new hit show, “something something teenage drama”.
Shit. Stoopid fucking browser. Sorry for the crappy post. But yeah, good book. Because you have the same first name as the Goombah you can read it and get that nice warm all-over feeling. Kind of like when you piss in a wetsuit….
And is the guy in the bottom left wearing a Ascot? He must be a guerrilla from the Columbia Cell…
Larry, I thought it was one of the Indiana Jones movies.
IS EVERYTHING I KNOW LIES?!
This looks like a LL Bean catalog shoot.
Pictured: United Colors of Beretta.
this is going to be on the CW, right?
[Crappy pops our of spider hole, guns down a chick on a bike and takes her picnic basket]
Wait, this wasn’t the p…{BOOM}
Now Vinky, if they are true to the origional, Mexico will in fact take a part in the invasion, along with all of the other pinko Central American states. But they are only here for our yobs.
The Spokane ASPCA is fuuucked.
Looks like they’re gonna challenge the chinese to dance-off.
Bad advice when fighting the Chinese: Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.
Why isn’t the title of this one Yellow Dawn?
Banner pic needs moar ice cream-eating Vince Vaughn.
I have a hard time deciding whether this or the Total Recall remake or even the Michael Bay-helmed Monster Squad remake will be more awful.
I admit I haven’t seen the original, so I won’t speculate about its quality, but I have seen a dog’s dick, and compared to the remake, I’m betting the dick is the more impressive “red dawn”.
It looks like they’re angry the Chinese are going to close Variety Village.
A Chinese invasion is still better than a socialist president born in Kenya.
*pours teapot into stripper’s ass crack*
do you have the remake script? i would love to read it as a fan of the original
They look more pissed about ‘Chinese Democracy’ than a Chinese invasion.
It looks like the Chinese could defeat that group with Ten-a-men squared.
Patty, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Gremlins were the reason that PG-13 was proposed, but Red Dawn was the first movie to actually be rated PG-13.
This would have been cooler if I didn’t wikipedia the hell out of it.
If these kids are smart, they’ll stick to Pepsi and avoid the Cokes altogether.
Oh, god, all this time spent on random pop culture knowledge has been wasted!!!
I look forward to seeing most of this cast get killed. Also, a William Smith cameo or GTFO. He could probably pass as Chinese now.
Hmmm… A group of citizens fighting an asymmetrical war against an invading army with whom they have profoundly intractable ideological and political differences who claim to be liberating us from our corrupt leaders… and we are rooting for the resistance. As the guerillas use hit and run tactics against a technologically and numerically superior force… we are rooting for the resistance?
If Bill O’Reilly stops ass fucking his illegal immigrant house keeper while singing God Bless America (and Me, remix featuring Glenn Beck) long enough to think about this his brain will contort into a mobius loop and he’ll stroke out.
Uniforms will be provided by Old Navy.
WELL, there was another movie due to be released before Red Dawn, I forgot the name, that was going to be the first PG-13, I think it was titled the Flamingo or something
Hey NoTeams, this is the kind of post you get when you don’t google, a short sentence with no information whatsoever. So don’t beat yourself up about it.
How do I know if they’re real black people if they don’t have their guns pointed sideways?
Sure, Mexico might not have as many tanks, but have you seen how many soldiers they can pack into them?
Oh look! They left us a statue of a donkey to honor us. Let’s bring it in! Open the gates!
With all those guns* you’d think it would be “Led Dawn.”
*gooks
The best way to deal with a Mexican tank is to ambush it while it’s taking on more soldiers in a Home Depot parking lot.
The Red Chinamas’ opening volley was chemical warfare. The started putting MSG in all our food again and we all fell asleep.
They best way to deal with the Mexican army is to yell, “La Migra!” out of the window of a white Suburban with a green pinstripe.
*checks Coke for pee*
*fires RPG*
I once bought a pair of Chinese binoculars at an outlet store. I knew they were Chinese because the lenses weren’t round.
Wait, wouldn’t it make sense for the Americans to pay Mexican immigrants to be human shields? All they have to do is stand around and not move
You’re thinking of Wal Mart employees, GBH AIDS
Mark my words, the Asiatic communist hordes will once again invade the West, but only after they own all of our debt and have been fattened up with McDonalds™. Miniature humans without any financial leverage whatsoever?… Not so scary. Quasi-capitalists who can match us in cheeseburger consumption and are good at math?… Absolutely lethal.
What, nobody in a wheelchair? Who’ll play the keyboards?
Charlie Sheen wasn’t available for a cameo as an uncle coke drug border mule with a hypocritical opinion about keeping the borders clean of yellow? Even for some actual blow?
I bet the black kid is the snitch.
AVENGE ME!!!!!!
Call of Duty: Brooklyn Whole Foods.
and i had such high hopes… (frowns, farts, forgets altogether)
Red Derp.
This does, however, remind me of my favorite scene in the original where the Russians (Cubans?) are being briefed on the kids fighting in the woods and on the wall behind the officer is a bunch of photos of actual wolverines and their paw prints and tracks because that will be of great service to the soldiers as they try to find and destroy that pesky high school football team.
Whoa – that’s a LOT of brownish-yellowish-mocha colored faces in this cast… Just what side IS the cast of this version of “Red Dawn” on? Not MINE anyway (even if they wanted to be – long story).
“You should see Denver, they’re eating each other” *Cast cheers, fires guns in the air, tries not to look directly at camera, sound guy falls from fir tree*
I grew up in Spokane and still have family there. I’ll say this: no, they wouldn’t invade Spokane because, for the last 5-7 years, it’s been run, basically, by the Russian Mafia. If the Soviets couldn’t deal with them, I don’t think the Chinese want any part of it.
I’m from Spokane, and I can tell you this: the Chinese wouldn’t invade for a couple of reasons – first, there’s nothing there; and, second, for the last 7 years or so, it’s been controlled by the Russian Mafia. Not even the Chinese would want to deal with that.
Oh, and the “multi-culti” group? From *Spokane*? That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen coming from one of the most ghost-white cities ever.