As if it wasn’t bad enough that Tom Hanks has one son who looks like a goonish mouth-breather, it turns out he has another who’s a white rapper. Tom Hanks’ youngest son, Chet Hanks, even has a rap name, “Chet Haze.” Yeah, dude, because if you wanted to sound like a rapper, clearly it was the “Hanks” that needed changing (*sarcastic slide whistle*).
Chet Hanks is the son of actor Tom Hanks. He attends Northwestern University. Chet Haze is “an up and coming MC…Born and raised on the West Side of the Westside’s main city LA.”
Aw, yeaah, West siiieeeede represent, from Compton to… uh… Malibu, son, ya heard? HOO! HOO!
So, what does a guy named “Chet” rap about, anyway? Why, he raps about attending Northwestern University, of course. (Northwestern Alum Matt Ufford must be so proud). Aw yeaah, crew team fa lizzyfe, my ninja, ridin’ dirtaay wit my coxswain hangin out, SKEET SKEET!
To the beat of Wiz Khalifa’s “Black and Yellow,” it’s “White and Purple (Northwestern Remix).”
“White kicks/ Purple kush/ This is college, hittin blunts after hittin books,” Chet explains. “I got a call from the brothers in the frat house/ I’m with my girl, tryin to get up under that blouse/ She a freshman/ She a freak though/ In the bed, but a lady in the street, yo.”
According to Chet’s bio: “Living the college life, Chet’s days consist of chilling with his boys, attending class, and taking care of business. However, his nights consist of absolutely murdering tracks, and living what he is really spitting.” As Chet argues on the Twitter, “just realized my fb and first single was released on 1/11/11. I think its cuz im gunna win. you tell me.” We couldn’t say one way or the other! [Gawker via Videogum]
My favorite part is how accurately his style mimics that of the negro. So dangerous!
[Seriously though, we're going to find out this was a joke soon, right? I mean come on, a white rapper named "Chet" who spits flows about Northwestern? Ha ha, very funny, Sacha Cohen, but this time you've gone too far.]
UPDATE: Looks like we know where he got his rhyming skillzzz:
(thanks to Danger Guerrero for reminding me that existed)
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/latest-music-video-for-chet-hazes-finest-girl-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/08/Red-Dawn-remake-2-hemsworth-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/07/Sage-stallone-head-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/07/Chet-Haze-150x150.jpg)
His mom’s got more street cred than him. But who am I kidding? Rita Wilson is one down ass bitch.
What’s more Westside than Westside? Why the West Side of Westside, of course!
I suspect the absence of ‘Hanks’ from his professional nomenclature was insisted upon by his father. Just look what Colin’s done to it.
Fuck this dude.
If this baktag isn’t C Walking on a gigantic musical keyboard, The Mighty Feklahr ain’t watchin’!
Chet “keeps it real” by using real sugar instead of Splenda.
True story: “Chet” is Romulan for “Chet”!
Chet thought he grew up on the street, but never realized that there was a whole other world on the other side of the driveway gate.
Chet: “Yo C-Tates, what you came to do?”
C-Tates: “I came to get my dick wet, from 1 bitch, maybe 2.”
Chet: “Bouty bouty, playboi, go on and make ‘em holler.”
C-Tates: “And when we done I make some popcorn and we’ll watch White Collar.”
Chet: “Yo C-Tates, tell deez haters how it beez.”
C-Tates: “Yo girl, you better mind yo manners or I’ll put you on yo knees.”
Chet: “Pass the 40, smoke a blunt, smack a ho and kiss da sky.”
C-Tates: “Playa we better hurry up so we can make it to Best Buy.”
Chet has a legit merchandising gig play streetball with Spalding.
his nights consist of absolutely murdering tracks
The tracks should return the favor.
Rollin’ Westside clockin’ girlies on my Segway
Can’t ride my Prius ‘cauz Vinnie Vaughn said it was gay.
Y’alls can tell by my photo I like a mouth full of jism
Well all’s I can say is “Thank fuck for nepotism”.
Peace.
So good that he modeled his name after Denny Blazen Hazen. Average homeboy but greatest white rapper of all time. Suck on it Eminem.
I’m guessing Vanilla Snow was probably too on the nose.
I always tell my boys I live on the Westside of the Westside of Chicago. Some of you may know it as “Iowa” BUT I KEEP IT REAL!
Yo, yo, and in Iowa we call goin’ west just the opposite of goin’ east, heard?
Ya ever notice that “chet” is the sound a good wooden bench fart makes?
Dick Smother’s son is a pornographer. Also, his name is Dick Smothers Jr.
[en.wikipedia.org].
The fraternities on campus should take “Haze” as a suggestion.
Are you sure he’s Tom Hanks’s son and not Denny Blaze’s?
“EARN THIS. EARN IT.”
/dies
Che Thanks is a cooler name.
/changes name from Larry Poonrocker to Che Thanks
Hanks conceived this dipshit while he was in character as Forrest Gump.
/do the math
Chet about to drop Turn Her and Hoochies, son
Chet makes Snow look like the guy Master P kicked out of his crew for keeping it too real.
Peter Scolari’s son is blowing dudes on the corner for meth.
yo my daddy dint give me aids
i be too busy slammin barmaids
and hells no i aint handicapped
show me that ass and you’ll get tapped
the only thing about me thats big
is my dick i nicknamed ludwig
…and so on. Go wildcats!
This guy’s spirit animal is a cheetah.
No, Chino, that was Peter Scolari.
This guy’s as westside as the Westboro.
boPa! Oh no, you di’int!!!
Tom Hanks, you’re great and I love you. But you really need to work on your parenting skills.
Dont you malign the Scolari!!
I’m more interested in hearing about what Wilson is up to these days.
I used to hate how UNC still plays Petey Pablo at every football game. But after hearing that Northwestern song, I’ve realized that it could be worse. Much, much worse.
I thought “maligning the Scolari” was what it was called when you blow dudes for meth?
Or am I thinking of “Courtneying the Love”?
C-Tates Scolaried his peter.
Wait, has anyone ‘Shopped T. Hanks’ face into the “Son, I am disappoint” macro yet? Seems appropriate.
This story ought to be enough to stop me from making an alumni donation for the rest of my life.
Donk, stop telling all my secrets!
I’d rather listen to this song a hundred more times than watch Colin Hanks continue his attempt(s) at being a fucking actor. As dey say in da jungle yo, “Bunga bunga” is better dan “death by bunga bunga”. Woooord life represent for shizzle my wizzle!!
Chet, go get your new dad a beer!
Charlie Wigger’s War.
Yo girl. I know you’re saving yourself for private Ryan, but I’m so big, I’ll leave you gushing like Joe’s volcano. You better believe you’ll be sleepless in Seattle……Splash.
Is he trying to impress Montana Fishburn’s daughter?
The only way he can get people to listen to his “phat beats” is to give them a spiked Four Loko, making him more of a Date Rapper.
No room for a rhyme from the virgin Connie Swail in that update? Boooooo…
HE HAS TERRIBLE POSTURE!!!
Oh. I thought “White and Purple” referred to the varicose veins on his pale ass arms.
The sexually transmitted disease that made Tom Hanks wish he actually had AIDS. Like from that movie, Splash. Mermaids be sluts, yo.
He looks kind of like Baby Goose. “I got a call from the brothers in the frat house/ I’m with my girl trying to safely relocate a captured mouse.”
did sumbody dun an say sumthin bout a “goonish mouth-breather”…