There was really no reason to watch last night’s Golden Globes other than to see what Ricky Gervais was going to do, and the man did not disappoint. He was ballsy, but more importantly, he was funny. He began the night ripping on The Tourist and the Hollywood Foreign Press (the elephants in the room, let’s face it), and proceeded to actually be funny every time he was onstage, making reference to John Travolta being closeted (“‘I Love You Phillip Morris’ — two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay – which is the exact opposite of some famous Scientologists … probably.”) and introducing Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad.”

Ricky Gervais did most of the obvious jokes (Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Etc.), but he executed them brilliantly. To host this kind of Hollywood circle jerk without coming off as a massive tool would be a feat; to actually be funny, entertaining, and honest was nothing short of a miracle. A gay, scientology miracle. (pic via Kemit-Bale-Golden-Globes

Of course, there’s a reason people in Hollywood are famous for being thin-skinned pussies, and the reason is that Hollywood people are thin-skinned pussies. Actually, that’s not quite true. Most of the stars seemed to understand the way jokes work (especially Christian Bale). It seems to be the media that’s largely responsible for misinterpreting playful ball-busting for conflict (or deliberately stoking controversy). How say you, O Great Greek Twat Chorus?

WashingtonPost: “Are we at war with England? If not, then why have we been subjected to two years of Gervais hosting the Golden Globe Awards, witnessing a growing hostility between the British comedian and a resentful audience of celebs?” [This writer should be sentenced to 30 hours of Gervais-free Globe coverage]

NYTimes: “It’s so rare for presenters to be at open war with their host, and at times it almost looked as if Mr. Gervais and Mr. Bale were intent on bringing to Hollywood some of the incivility and extremism that veins political discourse. Theirs was certainly the most conspicuous wisp of conflict of the night, and that is unusual.” [Oh NY Times, you win the Golden Globe for Most New York Timesyest]. “Trashing the association that feeds you, on the other hand, is bad form, or bad politics.” [Not true. To not acknowledge that the HFPA is a joke would just be dishonest. Also, who gets fed by an association?]

LATimes: Headline: ‘Golden Globes: Host Ricky Gervais was just too nasty.’ The host pulled no punches, but he should have knocked himself out. [What does that even mean? Is this a Fighter review?] The opposite of dull and deferential is not snotty and abusive. [Likewise, the opposite of dull and uninformed is not humorless and c*nty.]

FoxNews: Ricky Gervais draws more gasps than grins at the Golden Globes. [But neither from me, because I had a big wiener in my mouth!]

BaltimoreSun: The normally clever-to-brilliant Ricky Gervais resorted to nonstop insult comedy as “the host” of the Golden Globes last night. He appeared to be auditioning for a dinner-theater version of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” His main game was “Get the Guest.”
When he wasn’t putting down easy targets like Charlie Sheen or joking about the vanity of “Sex and the City” stars and the age of Cher, his staggeringly lame fallback position was to list the lesser credits of A-listers like Bruce Willis.

You’re right, that was staggeringly lame! Maybe you should write his jokes next year, Mr. Guy-who-thinks-Who’s-Afraid-of-Virginia-Woolf-references are timely! Anyway, I’m done popping these queef balloons, it’s starting to stink in here. Here’s a list of the winners:

BEST PICTURE – DRAMA
“The King’s Speech”
* The Social Network
“Black Swan”
“The Fighter”
“Inception”

I thought The Fighter was better, but eh, The Social Network was still a solid movie.

BEST PICTURE – MUSICAL OR COMEDY
“Alice in Wonderland”
“Burlesque”
* “The Kids Are All Right”
“Red”
“The Tourist”

Jesus, what a horrible set of nominees. The Kids Are All Right is a Tyler Perry movie for white people. It was a clunkily-written sitcom with lesbians. It even had that scene where two characters with zero chemistry up until that point get into an argument, and then all of a sudden they start making out. Come on, that’s as lame a cliché as the old slapping-a-woman-across-the-face-to-calm-her-down trick. Trust me, I’ve tried it. It only works in telenovelas.

BEST DIRECTOR
Darren Aronofsky (“Black Swan”)
* David Fincher (“The Social Network”)
Tom Hooper (“The King’s Speech”)
Christopher Nolan (“Inception”)
David O. Russell (“The Fighter”)

I love how awesomely misanthropic David Fincher seems at all times.

BEST ACTOR – DRAMA
Jesse Eisenberg (“The Social Network”)
* Colin Firth (“The King’s Speech”)
James Franco (“127 Hours”)
Ryan Gosling (“Blue Valentine”)
Mark Wahlberg (“The Fighter”)

“Why am I giving an acceptance speech? BECAUSE I HAVE A VOICE!” (*C-Firth drops a hot freestyle*)

BEST ACTRESS – DRAMA
Halle Berry (“Frankie and Alice”)
Nicole Kidman (“Rabbit Hole”)
Jennifer Lawrence (“Winter’s Bone”)
* Natalie Portman (“Black Swan”)
Michelle Williams (“Blue Valentine”)

JENNIFER LAWRENCE WAS ROBBED!

BEST ACTOR – MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Johnny Depp (“Alice in Wonderland”)
Johnny Depp (“The Tourist”)
* Paul Giamatti (“Barney’s Version”)
Jake Gyllenhaal (“Love and Other Drugs”)
Kevin Spacey (“Casino Jack”)

JOHNNY DEPP WAS ROBBED, AND SO WAS JOHNNY DEPP!

BEST ACTRESS – MUSICAL OR COMEDY
* Annette Bening (“The Kids Are All Right”)
Anne Hathaway (“Love and Other Drugs”)
Angelina Jolie (“The Tourist”)
Julianne Moore (“The Kids Are All Right”)
Emma Stone (“Easy A”)

Annette Bening’s performance is even more impressive considering the movie looked like the actors received no direction. “Okay, now everyone try to make this situation seem extremely awkward. Perfect.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
* Christian Bale (“The Fighter”)
Michael Douglas (“Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”)
Andrew Garfield (“The Social Network”)Geoffrey-Rush-tilda-swinton
Jeremy Renner (“The Town”)
Geoffrey Rush (“The King’s Speech”)

Geoffrey Rush still took home best hat. Geoffrey Rush is so gangsta. (Also, Tilda Swinton looks like an alien baby).

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams (“The Fighter”)
Helena Bonham Carter (“The King’s Speech”)
Mila Kunis (“Black Swan”)
* Melissa Leo (“The Fighter”)
Jacki Weaver (“Animal Kingdom”)

I like Melissa Leo, she seems cool. But Helena Bonham Carter’s hair pisses me off. What the hell is going on up there? You’re famous. Why do you have hobo hair?

BEST ANIMATED FILMHelena-Bonham-Carter-Golden-Globes-2011
Despicable Me
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Tangled
* Toy Story 3

Toughest vote since “ice cream or poop.”

BEST SCREENPLAY
Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy, 127 Hours
Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Bloomberg, The Kids are All Right
Christopher Nolan, Inception
David Seidler, The King’s Speech
* Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

“Winning a Golden Globe, that’s not cool. You know what’s cool? A billion dollars.” (*lights cigar with $100 bill, puts it out on high-priced hooker*)

BEST FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
Biutiful
The Concert
The Edge
I am Love
* In a Better World

I totally saw all of these wonderful foreign films. You simply have to see them. (*rides off on fixed gear*)

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Alexandre Desplat, The King’s Speech
Danny Elfman, Alice in Wonderland
A.R. Rahmann, 127 Hours
* Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Social Network
Hans Zimmer, Inception

BRAAAAAAAHM was robbed! Seriously though, how do you not honor the onomatopoeia of the year? Also, The Social Network score was kind of overbearing and obnoxious. There, I said it. I’m sorry. Am I out of the cool club now? I still like Nine Inch Nails…

Aaaand below are a bunch of awards I don’t care about, mostly won by Glee. Moreover, I still say the winning actors at awards shows should have to give their acceptance speeches while their agents put on their hat and t-shirt with all their sponsors on it like UFC.