(*drops cat in surprise*) Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, it’s Edward and Bella on their wedding night! Him being a 100-year-old undead minion of Satan who feeds on the blood of the living, Edward the vampire chastely waits until the last book of the Twilight series to finally consummate his love for Bella, and only after a long day of praying to Jesus snorkeling in Brazil. His super vampire sex powers knock her out and fill her womb with a super-powered, telepathic half-vampire fetus that eventually severs her spine and becomes a werewolf’s love interest, but for now let’s focus on the romance. OMG, THEY’RE FINALLY DOING IT!
Entertainment Weekly has published a new shot from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 that features Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) as husband and wife – on their wedding night.
“It’s one of the most anticipated scenes,” director Bill Condon told the magazine. “I spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about it. [JOIN THE CLUB, BILL! -Ed] The anticipation is part of it and you want to play with what people expect and maybe subvert it a little and surprise them.”
“Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ opens in theaters on November 18. [ComingSoon]
Since I’m sure you were wondering, Bella’s eyes are closed like that for her own safety. When Edward pulls down his temple garments pants, his sparkling vampire genitals glow like the suitcase in Pulp Fiction a thousand times brighter, and if a mortal were to gaze upon them, it would surely cause blindness. That’s why he and Bella only did anal when they were saving themselves for marriage.
[thanks to Jessica for that second picture]
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When Edward pulls down his temple garments pants, his sparkling vampire genitals glow like the suitcase in Pulp Fiction a thousand times brighter, and if a mortal were to see them, it would cause certain blindness.
Something similar happened to Spock in that one episode of Star Trek. Fortunately, Vulcans have a “double-eyelid” that prevented any permanent damage.
Before the movie starts, the theater will air a replacement ad that, instead of reminding to turn cell phones OFF, to set phones to “vibrate only”. Wink, wink!
. . . eventually severs her spine and becomes a werewolf’s love interest . . .
And to think, I hate my kids simply b/c I can’t bang the wife at all hours of the day or night anymore. *
* Not that I really could before :`(
My demon fetus didn’t sever my spine but it sure did a number on my vagina!
wocka, wocka, wocka
Showing the world Ian McKellan’s shriveled ass grinding down on some young dudes in ‘Gods & Monsters’ prepared Condon for his role as the new vampire smut peddler on the street.
I bet Bella bites her lip all sexy like when Edward inserts the turkey baster.
“you want to play with what people expect and maybe subvert it a little and surprise them”
Geez Bill, did you consider the minivan*, the whores in Pahrump don’t even see that coming.
*two in the front, five in the back
Look at that, the posts went from hobo to homo.
Awesome! I thought the only place in the world where I could watch a movie where people are having sex while I was surrounded by teenage girls was in Thailand.
You’d think it would take them being married for more than a day before they’d have to close their eyes in order to have sex
She’s definitely the Bella HIS balls, HEY-O!
To make this appear passably erotic, the director had the same advice for both of them: “Just close your eyes and pretend you’re doing the scene with Taylor Lautner.”
So sex before marriage is a sin, but sex after marriage still gets you a creepy, evil vampire fetus?
I’m getting mixed messages here.
I’ve grunted out a few nasty monsters, but that’s only after consummating my desire with Taco Bella.
[Flower pot in corner of room pops up revealing that Crappy is wearing it like a hat]
Anal before marriage you say? Well Edward finally got to think outside the buns and went to Bella’s taco.
Se whazt happens when I
deal with vital company issuesmuck about and put Epicac in my supers coffee. A ten minute Durststep.Gawd, I imagine the odor of cat piss is bad enough in those theaters, just wait until those muffins get moist.
Great minds, Crappy…
They’re going to need to order double the candy for the theaters when this puppy opens up.
“The anticipation is part of it and you want to play with what people expect and maybe subvert it a little and surprise them.”
I hope the surprise is that vampire semen is icy.
*crosses fingers. hopes for money shot*
He looks disappointed not to find a Bella Ball
Edward’s ‘vinegar strokes’ was really just Robert’s fearful dismay at his proximity to female genitalia. Sometimes acting magic is just serendipity that way.
By play with what people expect I hope he’s thinking of a surprise twist in the spirit of Naked Gun 33 1/3.
The shirtless hispanic werewolf wants to rub her Béla Fleck.
When our heroine asked the hispanic werewolf’s family whether she could use the bathroom, it was with the now famous incantation: ‘Bella, loo go, si?’