This week saw two massive bird die offs, first 5,000 in Arkansas, then 500 in Louisiana. Scientists don’t have an explanation yet, and that’s rough on CNN, because 24 hours of news programming is a lot to fill with, “Damn, homes. That’s messed up.” What to do? I know! We’ll call Fireproof star Kirk Cameron! He’s bound to have some crazy sh*t to say! At least, that seemed to be the idea behind having Cameron on Anderson Cooper (either that or they both go to the same bath house). Only when Anderson asked him whether the bird deaths were a sign of the apocalypse, Cameron flipped the script, and actually sounded pretty sane.
Kirk Cameron is not your monkey, Anderson Cooper, he doesn’t even believe in evolution.
[are the birds the end times, Kirk Cameron?]
“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”
“That has more to do with pagan mythology [and not the apocalypse] — the directions the birds flew told some of the followers of those legends that the gods were either pleased or displeased with them. I think people just have a fascination with the religiously mysterious.” [via Moviefone]
“Look, Anderson, if you’re looking for someone to spout off some crackpot religious theory, you’ve got the wrong guy. I don’t go in for a lot of that hocus pocus. I’m just a hard-working fella who puts his pants on one leg at a time and believes the grooves on a banana are a code from God that disproves evolution, you know? I leave these conspiracy theories to somebody else.”
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Ha ha, Anderson Cooper likes it in the pooper.
I’d think that Anderson Cooper would be more interested in hearing Kirk explain all the dead Boners in Stanley Park.
And you see Anderson, the banana’s ridges line up perfectly with the ridges of the anal sphincter, and gods provided a none slip surface for that rough, deep burn you crave
Perhaps Anderson is jealous of Kirk as he’s always longed for a daddy that was Thicke.
Wow, really? This is sad.
I don’t think
I’d stand in a gym bag in a bathroom stall at the JC Penney for either of these two anymoreI’ll be watching the CNN ever again.Haven’t seen that many birds die so quickly in Arkansas since the grand opening of Popeyes in Little Rock
Lince, if this is your revenge on Him for that “Kahless is disappoint.” thing earlier, The Mighty Feklahr only has one thing to say to you:
Well played!
GEE 5500 BIRDS DIE OFF IN ARKANSAS AND LOUISIANA? “BODY ODOUR” OR “GODDIDIT”???
I have two words that explain why 5,500 birds just instantly plummeted to their deaths:
Loose Change.
Have any of you drunkard bastards actually seen “Left Behind?” We played a drinking game where anytime you heard “Jesus,” “God,” or “Our Lord,” you had to take a shot.
My friend died of alcohol poisoning, seven minutes into the film.
R.I.P.
Anderson Cooper requested 2000 of said birds to be examined by himself personally and that their feathers be put to use in his next parade costume.
The Mighty Feklahr is certain more people would like Kirk Cameron if he didn’t act like a hybrid automobile gheyed-out retarded Christfag all the time.
Look, unless those birds come back to life and start eating other birds, it’s clearly not the end of days.
Amateurs.
Seriously, take a look at them two fellers, Anderson and Kirk. There ain’t a lot of gay that a full cooler of Old Style and a transmission overhaul can’t fix, but at least of them two boys still wanted to fuck afterwards they could not only blame it on the booze, but would have a smooth running car ta boot.
Kirk already has unlimited fish and bread and can create wine instantly, the birds at this point are just gravy. Oh gravy! Check the river if it changed!
A bunch of dead roosters would be a sign of the Acockalypse.
/I know where the corner is…
James Nguyen has just found his romantic thriller angle. You better hang on tight, spider monkey.
Show me that smile again.
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.
We’re nowhere near the end
(Anderson drops his pants revealing his rugged Mini Cooper)
The best is ready to begin.
Anderson is the growing pain in Kirk
A bunch of dead Roosters would mean the end of vannin’ competitions.
“The Bible Belt” is an asphyxiation sex move I learned in catholic grade school. It can be goddamn great as long as your partner/spotter isn’t a feeble 70 yr old priest, that’s just begging for permanent brain damage or worse. You make that mistake your future as an uproxx blogger is pretty well cemented.
Every comment here is gold. Gravy smothered gold.
I also like how Cameron stays sane till the very end, then -WAM! Wack-job!
If it turns out that the birds exploded on impact, then I’m taking up a collection to finance James Nguyen’s next film, Fellatiodemic.
I wonder if it’s occurred to Kirk Cameron that if Jesus had lived into his 70s, he would have looked an awful lot like Colonel Sanders.
Also, the escape route of the pilgrims? The underground failroad?
birdemic?
Well the bible said “The Beak shall inherit the Earth”
Durrrrrrrr, trying to make a worse pun and save you Chino, mycockurlypse, where the fuck’s said door?
So I heard the guy in the second video say:
“Look how gracefully it sits over the human hand. Notice it has a point at the top for easy of entry. It’s just the right shape for the human mouth… It’s even curved toward the face to make the whole process easier.”
and didn’t hear any of you make make some some juvenile comment in response, I was shocked. I always assumed you guys on here were 12 year-old boys. Guess I will be taking my business elsewhere.
(*grabs free candy, drives away in Neverending Story Van*)
I thought Anderson Cooper had retired to Thailand to die of AIDS.
Jesus did it… but not Jew-Jesus, illegal-immigrant Jesus. Like killer bees, Mexicans are slowly migrating north and killing things.
wow.. just wow
“I will sweep away everything from the face of the earth,” declares the LORD. “I will sweep away both men and animals; I will sweep away the birds of the air and the fish of the sea. The wicked will have only heaps of rubble when I cut off man from the face of the earth,” declares the LORD.” (Zephaniah 1:2-3)
Fuck, why did this have to be brought to my attention:
Arkansas – 5000 + birds
[www.cnn.com]
Louisiana – 500 +
[www.2theadvocate.com]
Kentucky – dozens
[www.wpsdlocal6.com]
New Zealand
[www.stuff.co.nz]
Japan and Hong Kong, (H1N1 blamed)
[www.nytimes.com]
Germany
[www.presseportal.de]
UK
[news.bbc.co.uk]
North Carolina – hundreds of Pelicans (autopsy have ruled out humans killing birds)
[www.carteretnewstimes.com]
t
Italy – 300 doves
[www.geapress.org]
Sweden – 100
[www.aftonbladet.se]
Bats in Arizona:
[www.azcentral.com]
Bats in New Hampshire
[www.wildlife.state.nh.us]
I preffer Zeph’s stuff that touches on Lord of the Rings.
“In the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair…”
Sorry Anderson, but your sources for batshit Christian theories are Willie Aames and Stephen Baldwin.
A dead Boner joke in just two comments. One of the many reasons I love this site.
Most of these comments on here are bogus! It seems as if you all are just a bunch of haters. Get over your creepy obssessions with Anderson Cooper, freaks, and if I were you, I would be afraid to talk about Christians and the creator like that. Whether or not this has anything to do with the end times, it is a strange situation. Look at the headlines, read about all of strange happenings with the dying birds and fish all around this World, it’s no joking matter. I was looking for any info regarding these stories and ran into all of these ridiculous and fearless comments. One last piece of advice, don’t say anything that you may regret saying later…and believe me you will one day.