Yo, son, these classic fairy tales are like hella boring! HOLLYWOOD, DROP SOME PHAT BEATS ON THIS BITCH!
The studio is on the cusp of triggering production on the Gary Sanchez project Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a dark action movie that picks up with the fairy tale siblings years after the traumatic childhood incident has turned them into bounty hunters. Jeremy Renner, who has been attached for some time, finally has his sister in James Bond babe Gemma Arterton.
Director Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow) is hoping to begin shooting the project in Berlin March 7. [THR]
They say “dark action movie”, but Gary Sanchez is Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s production company, and Tommy Wirkola made a movie about nazi zombies that puke blood, so I’m hoping the secret is that this is tongue in cheek or overtly comedic. Otherwise, look for this tale to LOSE THE FAIRIES AND ADD RAP ROCK! Yo, Gretel, drop some Red Bulls on the ground so we can find our way back from BASE jumping, TICK TICK TICK… SLUTS!
Play us out, parkour dog.
If this doesn’t end up being XXXTREME enough, there’s always the upcoming, Michael Bay-produced Hansel & Gretel 3D. Oh Hollywood, don’t ever change.
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the best non-animated fairy tale movie?
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You know, I’m sitting here with my brunch martini, my Kraut blood getting all angried up all these Nu-Metal Hansel and Gretal Reboots -but no time for that! Now I’m organizing a trip to the Ukraine to buy dogs! Who’s with me?!
Drink and the Devil =Typos
Hey, Hollywood, remember The Brothers Grimm? Remember how badly that went?
Knock it off.
Just because one bakes children into delicious pies DOESN’T MAKE ONE A WITCH!!!
*runs off sobbing.
I hope there’s a red headed banker they call the Gingerbread Man and a crack whore called Lollipop and maybe an incontinent man called Mr. Hershey. Oh oh and a dog called Mr. Sprinkles cause that’s totally a cat’s name and it would be fucking hi-lar-ious.
(*cough*) I thought the Brothers Grimm wasn’t that bad! (*cough, cough*)
I just hope Renner plays the same character from The Town- “Ahe you sehreeus?- yah apahtment is made of fackin Candy? I’m going to eat the shit out of this place until I’m a bloated cawpse but I’ll see yous again on one side or tha otha.”
Vince must be smoking Dunhills again.
Tommy Wirkola made a movie about nazi zombies that puke blood
Maybe this time we’ll get Nazi witches who toss their cookies.
I bet he sneaks through the back door. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I really wanted to like The Brothers Grimm, and parts of it were okay, but overall, it was pretty lame.
But what do I know? I love Lost.
The Mighty Feklahr would trade this all for a 60 second Witch Hunter movie that was nothing more than Nic Cage beating Sarah Jessica Parker and Katherine Heigl with a crowbar.
Awww shit, ginger brizzle hizzle up in this piece, skeet skeet
Neo-nazi, err, “white pride” groups are gonna go apeshit when they find out that a friendly woodcutter is played by Idris Elba
We tear it down,
so what you gon’ do?
Cookie walls adhered
with a frosting glaze glue!
Yes, yes all!
Candy and gingerbread walls, y’all!
Gum balls, balls!
Yes, yes all!
Black licorice lines the wall!
Fek just put it down like Ol’ Yeller
*throws Hansel in oven*
That Hansel is so hot right now…
I will burn down the theatre if this movie doesn’t have an infographic about MSG and the treatment of African sugar cane farmers at the end credits
Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trickbaby is going to be mad when they hear this. Which to me is the best telling of H&G EVER!!!
@chino I didn’t know he was a Jew.