Choose

As Hollywood continues to scorch the Earth of our favorite childhood classics, the latest victim is the “Choose Your Own Adventure” book series, which was optioned by Red Crown Productions. You may know Red Crown’s previous work… nothing. The one-year old company has a few products in the works, including Goats, starring David Duchovny, but it seems that the Adventure books might be Red Crown’s first attempt at a franchise.

The books, for those who don’t recall, told exciting and thrilling stories with plots that depended on the reader’s choice. My favorite part of reading them was choosing the wrong option and then going back and pretending like it didn’t happen, which will sound awfully familiar to whichever actors eventually sign on.

Do you follow the hobbled thief into the swamp or do you wank dismissively, Variety?

Series encompasses more than 185 titles released 1979-99, starting with R.A. Montgomery’s “The Abominable Snowman.” Individual stories, told in the second person, cover a variety of genres and offer branching narrative paths based on choices the reader makes about the protag’s actions.

With more than 250 million books in print, series has been published in 38 different languages.

New incarnations of the property aim to explore the series’ similarities with new-media interactivity while tapping nostalgic auds who grew up during the series’ 1980s heyday.

I don’t even know what that last part means, but if they’re trying to imply that I, as a huge fan of these books as a kid, am going to haul ass to a theater to watch this, they’re sorely mistaken. How do you make a movie about books that required the reader to make choices? Are we going to be able to yell things at the screen to determine the outcome of the movie? If that’s the case we’d better get Tyler Perry on board.

*ducks malt liquor bottle*

Settle down, you knew that was coming.