Van-Damme-Expendables-willis

Bruce Willis was recently at the Golden Globes (being introduced as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad”), and lots of people asked him about Expendables 2, because obviously, the most important thing about Bruce Willis’ career is whether he’ll be starring in the remake of the tongue-in-cheek homage to the earlier films of 60-year-old action stars which was a moderate success through novelty value.  Willis basically said, “Uh, sure, I guess,” which naturally led to excited headlines like “WILLIS CONFIRMED FOR EXPENDABLES 2!”  Here’s what he said:

“Apparently it’s going to happen this year,” he said. “As far as I know, barring any unforeseen circumstances, but yeah, I would love to be a part of it,” he said.

“Why sure, I’d be amenable to getting paid $5 million for a week’s worth of yelling and gunplay in Hawaii.”  What’s even funnier is picturing Willis trying to decide between Expendables 2 and Die Hard 5* (seriously).  Oh, Hollywood! (*slide whistle*)  Meanwhile, Van Damme is also making it known that he’d be willing to mail it in for lots of money too.  The news comes by way of Van Damme’s PR mouthpiece, who, it should be noted, was also the director of Double Impact (also true).

According to Sheldon Lettich, who seems to be JCVD’s unofficial PR rep (he’s the man who debunked the story of Van Damme’s heart attack late last year), Van Damme has a standing offer to join the group.
“JC seems to be leaning towards appearing in the sequel, as far as I know,” Lettich claims on the forums for the website The Van Damme Files, where he regularly speaks with fans. Van Damme rejected an offer to feature in the first film in lieu of seeking more challenging fare, but it looks like he might be sounding a retreat from that plan. [ThePlaylist]

All that’s left is for Stallone to shoehorn a situation into the script for which Van Damme will be indispensable.  “The opening to the hideout is only two feet high.  If only we had a 50-year-old Belgian man who could do the splits!”

But of course it wouldn’t be a Van Damme story without working in a dig on JCVD’s arch nemesis, Steven Seagal:

Lettich also adds, “If Steven Seagal is not in the sequel, from what I’ve heard it won’t be because of Sly but because of producer Avi Lerner, who had a few bad experiences with Steven.”

Hmm, do you think the bad experiences had anything to do with his unique physiological reaction to arousal?  Or maybe just how badly him wanted the poonani?  One can only speculate.  Either way it’s a shame, because the real Steven Seagal would make a great Expendables villain.

*Live Free or Die More Harder with Twice the Vengeance