3. “Man Forced to Eat His Own Beard in Fight over Lawnmower”
November 12th, 2010. A headline that will forever live in infamy. A Kentucky man who looked like he’d never required force to eat anything in his life, recounted the story of how some drunks accused him of lawnmower chicanery and made him shave and eat his own beloved whiskers — a story he began with the now-immortal words, “And ‘fore I knowed it, ever’ thang wint haywahr.”
NEVER FORGET.
2. “Doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail”
Silly reader, I bet you didn’t think the universe could top that headline about the guy eating his own beard, did you. Wrong. Back in May, Dr. Raymond Adamcik here was arrested for groping a chick while holding a burrito. It was… the most American news story of all time. It was like if Hulk Hogan dressed as Uncle Sam was arrested for having sex with an apple pie he stole from an Indian. (*hums America the Beautiful*)
Of course it happened in Florida. Behold, the three greatest paragraphs in the history of journalism:
On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”
The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.
Dude was rocking a utility belt filled with joints and burritos? Best. Superhero. Ever. As 2010 comes to a close, my new year’s resolution is to party with this guy.
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How do you not have the Melissa Lee Williams story on this list?
I’m not even wearing pants.
Wanna borrow Maynard’s?
I’m not sure “humbled” accurately describes the reaction of the Guys at the Podium but it is a great clip.
I once shot at a man at a dolphin’s suggestion. Not as sexy but still fascinating no? No? You people are harsh. Yes, you people.
Jobs that don’t require pants: strippers, underwear models, porn stars, pop stars and bloggers.
One of these things is not like the others…
And your skort counts as pants enough for us Vince.
You can’t print Cum on the front page? Oh UPROXX you prudes.
Side Note: Cum on the front page is also the the reason I could never sell my college text books back, Business Management just makes me so hot.
“If the croc had eaten those people, this would be the number one story instead of the number 12, but tragically, the crocodile on a plane didn’t eat anyone.” Your croc story is #10
Red Shirt guy’s story is the kind you expect to see played out by Sylvester Stallone and will involve a triumphant freeze frame before a fade to the credits where an uplifting mellow rock song written solely for the purpose of summing up the story plays in the background.
Needs a character named Mike Hawk though…
Tyler, you’re not wearing a red shirt, are you?
How do Autoerotic Asphyxiation ninjas make a side mention but not get a place on the list? Heck, that’s even vaguely movie related.
And how great will that biography be when it’s made some day?
Dammit, Glenn. I totally forgot about that one.
@Tyler: for Vince to count higher than eleven, he has to take off his shoes.
Additional trivia: If you take a dump in a dolphin’s blow hole and then have sex with it, that’s called a “Titusville Duplex.”
…aaaaaaand next year’s fantasy baseball team has a name.
That Captain America story perfectly summarizes how America has lost its way. A burrito? Goddammit, Captain America should be molesting people with a cheeseburger or a ballpark hotdog! Not some gorram Mex’kin meat wrap.
A+ list, my one addition would be the batshit insane turn the Quaids have taken this year because of said autoerotic asphyxiation ninjas, or as Randy and Evi call them, the Star Whackers.
I’m waiting for the Wachowski brothers to do the life story of the shemale boob lover.
Man that Melissa Lee Williams has got a face that only Hellen Keller could love (she couldn’t smell either, right?)
Shhh..the ninjas are watching.
“Brea explained that he came home to find his mother boiling three chickens in a large pot, at which point he became convinced that this was a sacrifice, and that she was possessed by black magic.”
Then what did the father squid do? (Adult Swim, anyone?)
Only on Filmdrunk could the most famous crazy news story of the year– Antoine Dodson and the Bed Intruder– NOT make the top 12.
anyway, sucks that Butt Drop Shark happened today and wasn’t eligible… Pete Hammond says “It’s the most ASStonishing story of the year! A true Tour de butt force!”
being from Lexington number 3 doesn’t surprise me. the local news has the weirdest stories and just makes KY look like a bunch of hicks. lol.
Antoine Dodson’s story isn’t nearly crazy enough. He’s fun, but at the root of it was just an attempted rape and a guy acting wacky on TV with nary a burrito to be found in anyone’s pants.