Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro’s embarrassing paycheck movie, Little Fockers opens this weekend. I took one look at the trailer and saw that filmmakers thought the fact that “Focker” kind of sounds like “F*cker” was a strong enough joke that they re-used it five times in two minutes and figured it’d be okay for me to sit this one out. Many of my film critic colleagues, however, aren’t content with simply assuming that hitting one’s penis with a framing hammer will be painful, and had to find out the boner way. I mean hard. But thanks to those heroes, we can now play the Plot Recreated with Reviews game.
You know how this works: we recreate the plot using only expository quotes — NO ANALYSIS! — from the poor sad bastards who had to sit through it.
ACT I
Nothing much has changed in the household of Gaylord Focker except that everyone is a few years older. [StarTribune]
Jack, who now suffers from serious heart palpitations, is obsessed with finding a successor to his “throne.” [WashingtonPost]
“Are you ready to be the GodFocker?” he demands. [StarTribune]
Jack decides Greg is having an affair with pharmaceutical rep Andi Garcia… [FilmSchoolRejects]
…[with whom] Greg is working closely peddle Sustengo, an erectile dysfunction pill… [WashingtonPost]
… and who we’re supposed to believe becomes instantly smitten with Stiller after helping him give an anal probe to an elderly patient. [JoBlo]
She shows up at male nurse Focker’s hospital, inexplicably signs him up to give speeches on her erectile-dysfunction drug, then strips down to her undies and jumps him. [NYPost]
Bernie Focker (Dustin Hoffman), struck with a bout of “manopause,” has fled to Spain to study flamenco dancing, while Dina Byrnes (Blythe Danner) is experimenting with kinky role play in hopes of spicing up her and Jack’s sex life. Greg has to impress the headmaster of a snooty private school (Laura Dern) where he wants his children to go. [WashingtonPost]
Owen Wilson hangs around again as the golden best friend to flirt with Greg’s wife again (accidentally, he got a giant back tattoo of her). [NYPost]
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Morgan-Freeman-last-vegas-150x150.jpg)
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…enemas, projectile puke, erectile dysfunction, naughty-mouthed children [StarTribune]
Guy’cha! The StarTribune plagiarized His Target Krs’Mas Wishlist!
I use ointment for my topical burns, but I could see a gong offering satisfaction, as well.
For what it’s worth, I’d say the Depak Chopra appearance was the nail in the coffin.
The only logical step in this movie series is for the Little Fockers to grow up and fall in love with the Kuntz
They should go with Ben Stiller’s stabbing of the dangerously erect penis without the erectile drug explanation. More mysterious, more art house.
Sounds like Dick Hurtz makes an annoying appearance.
The only reason Harvey Keitel should be in this movie is to tell Stiller and De Niro how to dispose of what’s left of their dignity
Stabbing a penis with a needle full of adrenaline to abate the throbbing uberection? How did Stiller manage to steal the production notes from Crank 3?
Jessica Alba made the creative decision to strip down to her panties and roll around in the mud. Because great actors like her are spontaneous and do what they want to do.
Let’s put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many jokes we can make:
*Spends 17 seconds trying to think of a joke that plays off of movie title*
um…
Stiller and DeNero has Focked us over with another one!
*buzzer chimes*
*Gets shoe thrown at him*
*Rushes back to the stage*
OOH! OOH! FACK IS GREATER THAN…
*sees the empty audience seats*
aw forget it.
*Walks off stage. Gets hit with another shoe.*
That gif is kinda disturbing, but it serves up a powerful message . . . never, ever let Ben Stiller touch your genitals.
So I was feeling better about humanity after Reese Witherspoon’s latest film abortion tanked last weekend. And yet millions of people are going to pay actual money to see this piece of rewarmed monkeyshit. Merry fucking Christmas, I hope you all die.
“…enemas, projectile puke, erectile dysfunction, naughty-mouthed children [StarTribune]”
Does the nephew say “ersh-ole” again
[Emerges from DeNiro's new dick hole]
I bet they are the type of people who get their xmas tree Focked.
In my house, dick stabs you.
If you gassed every theater that played this movie, ‘Two and a Half Men’ wouldn’t last another two weeks.
In all seriousness, who’s the chick in the cleavage picture? She’s like the new version of the chick who works on the car in Grown Ups, that is to say, my latest nameless beat-off fantasy from a horrible mainstream comedy I won’t see (Hoffman gets the assist for the tight bright American Apparel V-neck).
I was going to say I’d rather stab my dick with a needle than watch this but now I suppose I’ll go with pulse my nuts in a blender.
enemas, projectile puke, erectile dysfunction, naughty-mouthed children
So is this movie just a two hour Aristocrats joke?
Oh, c’mon. It’s an existential study of the ennui experienced by middle aged paternal paradigms as they attempt to extrapolate serious imperical meaning from the foibles and shortcomings they see reflected in their peer group as they bludgeon their junk.