Dammit. I know I already compiled my list of best “should be a movie” stories of 2010, but this definitely would’ve made the list. Take a lesson, aspiring journalists, now THIS is how you write a news lede.
A Serbian man reportedly has become a hero in Egypt — by accidentally killing a shark with his butt while drunk.
(*weeps tears of joy*)
Dragan Stevic was soused to the gills [I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! -Ed] while partying at the Red Sea resort Sharm El Sheikh when he inadvertently felled the beast that had been terrorizing tourists for weeks.
Stevic cannonballed into the water from a high-diving board, according to a Macedonian news agency. [they have a diving board at the ocean? or was the shark in a pool? -Ed]
Instead of making a splash, he came down right on the shark’s head, killing the toothed terror instantly.
The fun-loving party boy was immediately touted as a local hero who saved tourist season, which had dried up after the shark had injured three people and killed one vacationer.
Stevic swam to shore and is currently in the hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning. [NYPost]
“Hello, Michael Bay? Yeah, gas up the hovercraft. That’s right, a shark. AND HE KILLED IT WITH HIS BUTT.”
Man, if this Serb with the butt that kills sharks teamed up with Melissa Lee Williams’ poisonous vag, they’d be an unstoppable killing machine.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/Stabbing_Suspect_-Paul-charles-shark-cop-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/05/Bait-Sharks-Supermarket-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/want-to-watch-a-zombie-fight-a-shark-underwater-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/06/Egyptian-lion-fighter-150x150.jpg)
“That’s right, a shark. AND HE KILLED IT WITH HIS BUTT.”
It helps if you read that in Donald Glover’s voice.
And the type of shark? Hammered-head.
“This is not a butting accident!” yelled Richard Dreyfus.
We’re gonna need a bigger butt.
That shark’s deadly reputation has been tainted.
Just when you thought it was safe to Yugo in the water…
Smile, you son of a bitch.
*Drops a yokozuna on an unsuspecting victim*
Killing sharks: just another thing Serbians can claim to be better at while sitting on their ass.
Oh my god. This is going to be the best Shark Week special ever.
Stevic’s WoW handle is “Dragan Butt-Hammer.”
Rectum? Killed him.
Last, night my boyfriend and I stayed up for the lunar eclipse, and in the middle, when the moon was red, he told me it reminded him of my heart. I told HIM my heart wasn’t read, it was sparkly white, because it already belongs to EDWARD CULLEN!! He looked so suprised–but what can I say? MLIT!!
I hope he yelled “Kahvabunjya!” when he jumped.
Danny Boyle to direct. Toby Maguire will star as Bill “Cannonball” Stevic, James Franco is the Shark. The film will be titled The Leap. Critics will be floored by Boyle’s craftsmanship as he creates an entire film that takes place during the one jump. Vince will title his review “Just kill the shark already”. Franco will walk away with another Oscar. The end.
This story has jumped (on the) shark already.
When this becomes a film, I can think of only one person to play the drunk Serbian dude: Lorraine Newman
Dragan Stevic: “Hey, everybody, check this out! I’m totally gonna jump on that shark’s head and kill it!”
Onlooker: “But . . . ”
Dragan Stevic: “Exactly.”
Yet another senseless death due to diving while intoxicated.
A drunken Serb? There’s no way this is a true story.
That thing has a huge gaping maw, four rows of razor-sharp teeth that could rip a man to shreds in about five seconds, and it’s coming for you . . .
That’s right, it’s Julia Roberts.
looks like the shark met a nasty “end”
When asked if there was anything on Earth he was actually afraid of, Dragan Stevic replied “Performing in the Spider Man musical.” He then ran off crying.
Way to add insult to injury. Everyone knows sharks can’t back it up.
“Hey Horatio, which one of your guys finally nabbed that killer shark?”
“It wasn’t us, it was just some random…”
* sunglasses *
“…drunken asshole.”
YEEEAAAHHHHHH!
Turns out Dragan Stevic was just vacationing in Serbia, from his day job as a researcher for “Manswers”.
“Well, I think I can pump 20 cc’s of strictnine shite-rate into him, if I can get close enough.”
“Can you get this little asshole through his skin?”
“No, I can’t do that. But if I can get him close enough to this cage, I think that I can get him in the mouth or the eye..”
I’m sorry, I cannot accept Hammered Head for CoTW consideration as that was already the New York Post’s original headline.
In addition, I have now altered the banner pic to make it look more like he was using his butt as a weapon against the shark.
Good night and good chins.
The shark’s last words: “Oh. My. God, Becky.”
The locals have dubbed Stevic the shark assassin.
In my own defense, the New York Post is way too high-class for me to read. I don’t want to seem like I’m putting on airs.
(Translation: it was unintentional, please don’t hurt me)
Smile you son of a bitch!
Diving boards that overhang shark infested waters? Who’s responsible for tourism in Egypt? The Jackass crew?
Dragan is a cool name. He’s obviously a hitman.
Also, as Dragan landed on the shark, I like to think he taunted it by saying, “Call yourself King of the Jungle.”
This is why they banned fourloko.
If the impact hadn’t got him, the herpes would’ve.
That shark was such a butthead.
Is McDonalds still serving the Sharm El Sheikh, or is that only during St. Patrick’s day?
E. Honda taught him well.
HORATIO: Looks like the fish has
*sunglasses*
been serbed.
If he had angled his descent slightly differently, we’d have a mudshark story to match Led Zepplin’s.
Egypt was troubled by a horrible asp but a horribly inebriated Dragan Ass don’t bother them at all!
/apologies to M. Stipe
Oh Snap, not true: [www.carolinabeachtoday.com]
Did anyone (outside perhaps the NY Post) ever doubt that it was a fake? I can totally see the pixels in the banner image.
The Serbian, Onion-ish site that started it currently has on its front page a story detailing how, spurred by the reports in the international media, Spielberg and Tom Hanks are now planning to turn the thrilling tale into a tv-series.
This story inspired the former mechanics on the set of Jaws to come forward, blaming Carl Gottlieb for the chronically malfunctioning shark. Quote:
“WELOSTOURJOBS BECAUSE OF. HIS. BIG. BUTT, AND WE CANNOT LIE!”
Ha ha. What an assinine story.