After the jump, I’ve got new trailers for Battle: Los Angeles, and Beastly, the “edgy teen drama” about learning not to judge a book by its cover. Beastly stars Alex Pettyfer as Handsome McPopular, a rich high school kid who has it all — money, abs, flowing locks, inexplicable speech-giving opportunities — until one day he pisses off goth witch Mary-Kate Olsen, who turns his eyebrows into Arabic writing. WHO’S GONNA LOVE YOU NOW, FARSI FACE? Hard to say what my favorite part was, because this trailer has everything:
“Chicks dig blind guys.”
“Too bad they don’t dig ugly guys.”
“How do you know?”
(*dramatic music*)“…I’m gonna build her a greenhouse.”
Great dialog. A+ for believability. But if you wanted to send a message that looks aren’t important, you probably shouldn’t have cast Mary-Kate Olsen as a witch. [via ComingSoon]
Elsewhere, Battle: Los Angeles just released this new trailer. From the director of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, aliens are invading — again! And this time, our only hope is Aaron Eckhardt. Once again, they’ve managed to successfully disguise the fact that Michelle Rodriguez is in this. I don’t understand the strategy. How will I understand the defiance of the human spirit in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds without a hardcore Latina? Her sneer reminds me that life’s not worth living without a cause worth dying for. PAINT YOUR FACE, MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ! SAY SOMETHING GLIB ON THE WAY TO A SUICIDE MISSION!
[via ScreenJunkies]
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The curse prevents him from wearing a hat?
I totally thought this was a documentary on LA Street gangs of the late 90s
“… we cannot lose Los Angeles.”
The cultural and historical landscape of all alien-based disaster movies has to be preserved.
That guy got off easy. You should see what she did to Heath Ledger!
The scariest thing in Beastly is the Olsen twin and her attempt at being Lady Gaga.
I always thought a “Farsi Face” was a chick with a mustache.
Which butch latino chick would win in a fight, Vasquez from Aliens or every other role Michelle Rodriguez has ever done?
The secret that destroys the aliens this time? They catch a glimpse of Aaron’s cleft and spend all of their time trying to impregnate it.
“Klingons blind ugly chicks.”
“Why don’t you just blind yourself so you can’t see the ugly chicks?”
“How would we be able to aim the disruptor at the blind ugly chicks then, yIntagh?”
(*fart sound, a little gah-durchfall juicy*)
I wish aliens really would invade. Good or evil, at least the “aliens-as-allegory” sub-genre would stop. We get it, you fucks. There’s nothing profound or revelatory about your film(s). If I want a new perspective on geopolitical politics, then why am I watching a movie starring Keanu Reeves, written by Allen Loeb, and directed by Michael Eisner’s fucktard son? Blow some shit up, show me some gore, and maybe a flash or two of alien titties, and don’t pretend the message is anything more than “Look what CGI can do.”
I dig blind guys. Their chronic masturbation saves me a lot of time and work.
Beastly looks like it’s aimed at the Twilight set. So that guy isn’t nearly ugly enough that the target audience wouldn’t fawn over him anyway.
I mean, look at the Twilight guys they go nuts over. Low Standards City.
I’m not saying that I have a small penis, but but that crevasse on his J bone could swallow it, and half of a Honeybaked Ham™.
For crisp’s sake, Aron Ralston almost died in that thing.
I also dig ugly guys. They give better blowjobs and they’re more likely to take it in the no-no.
Farsi Face just needs to cut some eyeholes in the one of the “his-face-on-a-stick” thingies everybody was holding up during his “I’m-so-wonderful” speech.
Boom – Curse solved in, like, 90 seconds.
noMo just gender confused me.
So with Beastly, did Eric Stoltz get replaced on this one too?
I like to think Mary-Kate showed up on set the first day and asked, “Ok, so I guess they need me in wardrobe and make-up?” To which they replied, “…No, you’re good to go as-is.”
He looks like Kevin Perreira as a cholo.
A witch is not very menacing when she can be fended off with a bagel covered in cream cheese that isn’t low fat.
Hi, I’m rich, handsome, smart, and extremely well spoken. I can charm the pants off any girl I choose.
Along comes an anorexic girl with black eyeliner. She curses me.
Now, I’m just rich, smart, and charming. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Why exactly can’t we “lose Los Angeles”?
Much like the animated Disney version of Beauty & the Beast, you can count on this one having a singing flamer in it somewhere.
He lettered in football. She lettered on his face.
If Wes Anderson directed Beastly, he would have gotten artsy farsi face.
Holy shit, Mary Kate turned him into Michael Stipe.
Actually, this also reminds me of when they did Phantom of the Opera with Gerry Butler, and the mask did nothing to prevent fangirl adoration.
God, what a horrible horrible horrible movie that was.
Right clever of her doing a good enough job on him to make sure he could never get on a plane to go see a plastic surgeon.
It’s not so much the children running in terror thing or even the girls finding him hideously repulsive thing that bugs him, it’s that Brendan Fraser won’t stop trying to kill him.
The Farsi is actually printed backward so when he looks at a mirror, he can read that it says “Furrow here for Paul Walker acting face.”
He’s got a seriously uphill battle looking like that. Not even DJ AM could pull it off.
Ugly face? Barely…Vin Diesel’s been rocking that look for a while now, and no one seems to have noticed.
Plus, I’m sure someone would be into it in Japan. >.>
Ronn Perlman has chunks of guys like Alex Prettyfur in his stool.
3 years ago the gripping saga of Twilight world over got gay guys in coats to be immortalized as sex symbols to 14 year old girls.
Guys with face tattoos. This is your time.