“But none of these digital-cartoon characters reflect human experience; it’s essentially a bored game that only the brainwashed will buy into. Besides, Transformers 2 already explored the same plot to greater thrill and opulence.” [on Toy Story 3, obvi]
MORE OPULENCE OR GTFO!
“We’re meant to enjoy our susceptibility, not question it, as in Joe Dante’s more challenging Small Soldiers. Have shill-critics forgotten that movie? Do they mistake Toy Story 3’s opening day for 4th of July patriotism?”
SHTICKY SHILLS OF THE SHABBOCRATIC-SHILLOGARCHY SHALL SOON SUFFER THE STING OF MY SHAKESPEARIAN SHAITANISM! DEEEEEEZ NUTS.
“When Mattie sleeps in a mortuary, the story consecrates her existential stress (“I felt like Ezekiel in the valley of dry bones”), connecting cynicism to a spiritual, cultural foundation as in their half-satirical Yiddish prologue to A Serious Man.” [on True Grit, obvi]
“And in each scene, Sorkin’s approach to Zuckerberg’s conduct is unctuous with fake significance, letting the protagonist’s eminence excuse his reprehensible misbehavior.”
“It’s an attempt at glorifying a contemporary aristocracy-cumplutocracy through flattery of Zuckerberg and his ilk. Ironically, these are the same shameless tycoons Oliver Stone takes out with sniper precision in Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (a title that also fits this Facebook legend).”
“The title ‘Kick-Ass’ enshrines a bully’s ethic. Though it is unpopular to say, this proves Tarantino’s contribution to Abu Ghraib mentality. Perhaps unconsciously, our post-9/11 sensibility seeks to justify vengeance while indoctrinating it. [...] From dykey-prison wet dream (“I told you she didn’t have a d*ck”) to TV-commercial parody to Thelma & Louise finale, ‘Telephone’ epitomizes the insanity of the contemporary pop mainstream.” [on why Lady Gaga's Telephone video is superior to Kick-Ass]
If critics and fanboys weren’t suckers for simplistic nihilism and high-pressure marketing, Afterlife would be universally acclaimed as a visionary feat, superior to Inception and Avatar on every level. [...] [Paul WS Anderson is] a clear-eyed visionary who expiates videogame cynicism, insisting on imaginative potential. When Alice is resurrected from her android state, it confirms Anderson’s ingenuity as a life force. [on Resident Evil: Afterlife]
BONUS! A-Dubz packed so many references to Jonah Hex and his lovers Neveldine and Taylor in this year’s reviews that I was able to create an entire extra page for just those quotes. Read on for those, my bourgeois brood of au-courant catamites (I speak specifically of Chodin).
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When I read his quotes I picture him rolling his “R’s” a lot and doing lots of hand gestures tot he ceiling. While wearing a frilly cravat.
If this guy forshakked Alka-Seltzer, it would be an effervescent Neveldine-Taylor truthbomb.
Armond White wears a Dolce & Gabbana monocle.
Oh, and would it be redundant to say that White feels his effervescent Neveldine-Taylor truthbomb doesn’t stink?
I strongly suspect that he lives under a bridge and eats goats.
But it’s a fancy bridge, and there’s wine to go with the goat.
Good luck getting that image of Armond White taking fizzling, foamy shits out of your head.
Armond White has never met a woman he couldn’t smooth into bed by comparing the rape scene in A Clockwork Orange to a beautifully graphic take down of consumerist cultural.
Is it bad that I confuse him with Uncle Ruckus on The Boondocks? Probably a stroke. Very Bad.
Is a “Gutentocracy” when people that love Police Academy run the world?
I would dearly love to listen to Armond White yell at a bank teller:
“The voracity of the exploitocracy, for which you shill, treads with nary an auspice of abashment. As your precepters in this farce reap and garner from the fruitage that are the vapid complacent citizenry, not a pearl, leave alone wax-paper-chalice, of supposedly unrecompensed coffee (that is unwritten contract) can be gleaned!”
Only a mutton-breathed frogswallet could think such a discromulous thing.
I imagine Armond White’s farts are absolutely exquisite!
Armond White’s farts must smell positively heavenly!
O, my dear lord! White’s imaginations are as foul as Vulcan’s stithy.
Anathema.
i have not eaten nearly enough chipotle to create a fart loud enough to respond to the venom spewed by White in this column
After spending four years doing close reading/analytical writing while getting my English degree, the only thing I want to “unpack” while reading even a snippet of Armond White is a gun to put in my mouth. My suicide will no doubt smite the unhaulting nincompoopery of the computocratic armchair criticism machismo.
As hard as I try I can’t enjoy Armond White on any level beyond finding his mere doucheyness kind of funny. Reading him is like being trapped in a room with a really pretentious undergrad (with a thesaurus) who just took his first literary theory course and now can’t help but berate you with his “stunningly deep insights” on the political dynamics of pop culture.
White does almost take it to a level of super, over the top, parody, though, which can be kind of amusing on the surface (often to the point where I wonder if its intentional on his part). But once you get past his over use of GRE study words, usually his reviews are either just completely banal, “Marxism/Postcolonial Theory 101″ type insights, or sheer nonsense.
I do admit that his vocabulary is kind of fun, though, mainly because it usually seems like he is deliberately using big words just for the sake of using them–often to the point that he flirts with misusing them entirely. He’ll often use a word, for example, that is technically “correct” definition wise, but completely wrong idiomatically. So the general impression is of a 9 year old writing out a review in plain English, then randomly using a thesaurus to replace random words with much bigger words to make himself sound smarter–despite that fact that in a good deal of cases, even though these words may fit technically in terms of bare definition, they don’t always make sense in terms of context/usage.
My general impression of him is that he has a massive chip on his shoulder. He’s like one of those under priveleged kids who attends an Ivy League school, wants desperately to fit in, so then he WAY overcompensates and just ends up becoming all the more out of place because of it. His reviews and writing style always seems really affected and unnatural to me.
Armond White is tricking us all. It’s just a more elaborate hoax than what Joaquin Phoenix “pulled” on us. Or White is just the ultimate troll. Is there a troll academy?
Respectfully disagree, Juan Carlo. He uses words carefully and correctly, they’re tough sentences to rewrite. You really can’t find better words to achieve his effect.
Affected and unnatural is a good schtick, I’ll give the man credit.
As my fabulously gay uncle once told me; “never trust a f*g with an ascot.” Armond White is gay right? (Checks Gaydar).
“Cruise should look up Neveldine-Taylor.”
I think he meant Messrs. Neveldine-Taylor.
More like Armond Black, amirite