Toilet-Burglar-old-lady

In my favorite news headline since Kentucky’s “Man forced to eat his own beard in fight over lawnmower,” we can now add Akron, Ohio’s “Clown robs elderly woman sitting on the toilet.”  (I’m pretty sure Florida is just making these up as a PR move). However, I prefer my headline. As you can see by the banner picture, it was clearly a knock-off Joker mask.  Why so serious?  Oh, you’re just constipated, my bad.

“This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door. I was on the commode, so it was kind of a surprise.”
Seventy-year-old Jacqueline Cutright says she lost $28, about $1,000 worth of costume jewelry, and her Ford Escort after a guy wearing this mask broke into her Akron home early on Saturday morning.

Look, dude, just return my twenty-eight bucks and you can keep the Ford Escort.  Deal?  I’ll even throw in the Creedence tape in the deck.   (And yes, of course there’s video):

“He wanted to know where all my drugs and money were. I said, ‘Boy, did you break into the wrong house,’”

“I said this is my blood pressure medicine. You want some of that? No. I said this is medicine to help me sleep. You want something to help you sleep? He said no, he wanted Oxycontin and money,” Cutright says.

Jacqueline says she thought Buckley was going to take a little silver bracelet a friend had given her, but he gave it back.

“The bracelet said ‘A mother holds her children’s hands for a while but their hearts forever,’ which I think is lovely, and when he read that, he gave it back to me. That’s when I thought, ‘This man’s not going to hurt me.’”

Hmm, well I guess you could say that this story’s about love… and, other drugs.

Police say the man behind the mask waving a knife was 22-year-old Cory Buckley of Akron.  After two hours of tearing the house apart, Buckley took off in Jacqueline’s car. According to this police report, he only made it to the end of the street.

As police raced toward him, Buckley rolled the car twice, crawled out the window and made a full confession, right after his knife dropped from his pants pocket onto the pavement in front of the arresting officer’s feet.” [Ohio13]

“Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint.”  All in all, a pretty poor effort for a guy fashioning himself after a conscience-free psychopath who seeks only anarchy and destruction.  Or maybe he was just trying to balance things out after that Belgian Joker broke into a nursery and stabbed all those babies.

Does this look like the face of a guy dressed like the Joker trying to score Oxycontin? Hint: Yes, yes it does.

Does this look like the face of a guy dressed like the Joker trying to score Oxycontin? ...Yes, yes it does.

[hat tip: buzzfeed]