Game over, world, I’ve found my favorite news story of all time. Actual headline: “Kentucky Man Forced to Eat His Own Beard”. Hey, did you just hear that? It was the entire state of Florida simultaneously wheezing a sigh of relief. To be honest, I’m still not sure what the hell this story’s about, but seeing a morbidly obese man in a hat that says “southern style” with a picture of a naked lady on it tell it is simply sublime.
“My brother was cleaning out the stalls out there for Troy, you know, working for him. They called and wanted me to come around there and when I got there, I realized they were already drunk,” Westmoreland said.
Of all things to fight about, he said, punches started flying over a lawnmower. “Troy offered to buy it from me for $250. I paid $20 for it. He thought I was trying to cheat him,” Westmoreland said. “One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire.”
He says his brother had a mark on his neck, where a knife was held, but Harvey Westmoreland’s loss was more permanent. “They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said.
Uhhh, permanent… beard loss? I’m so confused. Being a college graduate, all I heard after he started talking was: “An denna hog come up’n git inda his still, anna still STILL ain’t work on account a dem okra grits dun fulla Nascar.” Okay, okay, I’m exaggerating. I did hear: “one thang laid to anuther, and ‘fore I knowed it…” …which is basically the beginning of any hillbilly story worth listening to. I don’t know why he was so upset about having to eat his beard though. From the looks of him, there were probably at least three half-eaten, gravy-filled doughnuts in there. Or as he calls them, “squishbiscuits.”
Here’s the incredible video:
“If’n ya don’t finish your squishbiscuits, you cain’t have any pie,” Ma always used to say.
Friday Free for All is the time of the week I reserve for all the things I really wanted to post that might not be strictly movie-related. So please, do not ask me “Dude, how is this movie related?” It’s not. And if you didn’t want to know about a big fat guy eating his own beard, I’m not sure we can be friends. Send your tips to firstname.lastname@example.org, but only if they don’t suck.
I want more like this!
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