Or as I like to call him, "Baptist Harvey Weinstein."
Game over, world, I’ve found my favorite news story of all time. Actual headline: “Kentucky Man Forced to Eat His Own Beard”. Hey, did you just hear that? It was the entire state of Florida simultaneously wheezing a sigh of relief. To be honest, I’m still not sure what the hell this story’s about, but seeing a morbidly obese man in a hat that says “southern style” with a picture of a naked lady on it tell it is simply sublime.
“My brother was cleaning out the stalls out there for Troy, you know, working for him. They called and wanted me to come around there and when I got there, I realized they were already drunk,” Westmoreland said.
Of all things to fight about, he said, punches started flying over a lawnmower. “Troy offered to buy it from me for $250. I paid $20 for it. He thought I was trying to cheat him,” Westmoreland said. “One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire.”
He says his brother had a mark on his neck, where a knife was held, but Harvey Westmoreland’s loss was more permanent. “They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said.
Uhhh, permanent… beard loss? I’m so confused. Being a college graduate, all I heard after he started talking was: “An denna hog come up’n git inda his still, anna still STILL ain’t work on account a dem okra grits dun fulla Nascar.” Okay, okay, I’m exaggerating. I did hear: “one thang laid to anuther, and ‘fore I knowed it…” …which is basically the beginning of any hillbilly story worth listening to. I don’t know why he was so upset about having to eat his beard though. From the looks of him, there were probably at least three half-eaten, gravy-filled doughnuts in there. Or as he calls them, “squishbiscuits.”
Here’s the incredible video:
“If’n ya don’t finish your squishbiscuits, you cain’t have any pie,” Ma always used to say.
Friday Free for All is the time of the week I reserve for all the things I really wanted to post that might not be strictly movie-related. So please, do not ask me “Dude, how is this movie related?” It’s not. And if you didn’t want to know about a big fat guy eating his own beard, I’m not sure we can be friends. Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com, but only if they don’t suck.
[via Buzzfeed]
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You think your dingleberries are bad now, fat man, just wait until the beard hairs you just ate velcro themselves to your ass hairs on their way out of you.
I think what Hairy Cleatus is trying to say here is that the hairs of the beard are always growing and so he will never have this same beard again, even if here were to regrow it.
Tom Cruise suffers a similar injustice when Katie demands oral.
This here story is very reminiscent of that there time Tom Cruise was forced to eat his beard and ran crying to Travolta afterward about how horrible Katie tasted!
Refresh key, how does it work?
Oh, like you could even see the beard behind the cider jug anyway.
A similar fight had broken out earlier that month regarding Sarah Palin and the Creation Museum and resulted in Troy having to eat Spaghettios off of his prized Darrell Waltrip collectors plate with the souvenir spoon he mailed in for from Skoal.
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said. “I only wish they hadn’t thrown it on the ‘stall pile’ first…cain’t reckon if that made it better or worse.”
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said. “I was mad cuz they know dang well I am type 2 diabetic and there musta been two or three whole Twinkies in that beard!”
I can see why he’s upset. With that sorry excuse for a beard, he won’t get picked up by any probing aliens for months.
The real story here? Mancini up and posting at 7 am pacific time.
I think we need to pull two or three scientists off the cure for breast cancer and try to figure out how he got that fucking enormous with a mouth that small.
No worries Quatro – normally it’s me doing the dick stepping here.
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said. “I reckon I’m a little less ‘ZZ Top’, and a little more ‘Justin Bieber’ now, which ain’t all that bad.”
Can we please figure out a way to tag people in FilmDrunk photos?
*looks at Patty, laughs maniacally*
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said. “This is just really gonna mess up my chances at landing the role of ‘Bombur’ in the new Hobbit movie, and I already booked a sheep farm in New Zealand!”
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said. “And if that ain’t bad enough, the guys down at the tire shop call me ‘Harvey Lessmorebeard’ now!”
I haven’t seen a beard cut off this badly since Hugh Jackman shredded the AMEX.
“Anothah koala, Deborra? ANOTHAH FUCKIN’ KOALA?”
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said. “And now I spook the farm animals cuz it don’t feel as natural when I try to eat their ass out!”
Sometimes you eat the beard, sometimes the beard eats you.
I think they should assign that cute ginger reporter more features on hair care and personal grooming*.
*wants to know if the carpet matches the drapes
forced to eat own beard < forced to watch sex and the city 2
Loved those mugshots. Nick Nolte and Gary Busey to play Hill and Holt or GTFO.
This is truly awful, now I can almost tell where his jowls end and his neck starts.
Better than being forced to eat your own bush in a fight over a hedge trimmer.
Better than being forced to eat your own nut in a fight with a bush whacker.
Or so I’m told.
Damn, those newscasters are professional. No way in hell I make it through that toss.
He was just mad that they didn’t deep fry it first.
Token, I thought the reporter was losing it in the initial bit, before the studio cut.
lawl, the ad before mine was for a weight loss clinic.
Yes, justice was served, as a beard to a fat southern man.
Ewok in glasses?
I was there when the bear ate his hair. Thought it was a candy.
It went in as a beard, but shall exit as a bouffant.
Jesus, Vince, that gravy doughnut line made me puke in my mouth.
The way the guy says “knives” is priceless.