Today we’ve got a brand new, red-band trailer for Rare Exports, the Finnish killer Santa Claus movie. (Remember kids, Scandinavians are almost as awesomely crazy as the Japanese). To recap:
American Christmas Movie:
- A magic spell turns Tim Allen into Santa Claus. He gets fat, grows an unshavable beard, saves Christmas, hilarity ensues.
Finnish Christmas Movie:
- A mining company accidentally unleashes a killer Santa Claus who had been trapped deep inside a mountain for millions of years. The Santa Claus goes on a killing rampage, until the townspeople lure him into a trap using a severed pig’s head as bait, and decide to hold him for ransom.
ADVANTAGE: Finland
Directed by Jalmari Helander, opens in the US December 3rd. [via G4]
I feel like Christmas lights set to Slayer really sum up the essence of this film:
God I love that.
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snooki?
Also in the American version:
Dan LaFontaine: This winter, Claus has Claws. DUN-DUN-DUN!!
Severed pig heads? That’s gross, but on the brightside, “Kourtney and Khloe take Miami” will only be half as bad now.
So wait, who is supposed to pay the ransom, his recently defrosted million-year-old reindeer? Is it really too much to ask for some internal logic from my Finnish defrosted ancient carvnivorous Santa Claus mining accident murderous rampage kidnapping slasher films?
Fjord of the Fjlies?
In Soviet Finland, Santa Klaus eats pig heads and kills people.
Mexican Immigrant Christmas Movie:
Los Griswolds have the grandparents over. Sobrino Eddie shows up and empties the shitter out into the sewer. The family gets mad over the matriarch’s accidental cooking of the prized fighting chicken instead of the turkey. Shit goes amuck when Sobrino Eddie kidnaps Clark’s boss, the assistant manager of “Wendy’s.” Russ drinks the worm. The S.W.A.T. Team busts in and tries to deport everyone, but Clark’s boss grants him some green cards, and a special Christmas bonus! Unfortunately, the water in the pool Mr. Griswold buys with the bonus money gives everyone diarrhea. Feliz Navidad.