In honor of Katherine Heigl’s new movie, Life As We Know It opening this weekend — you know, the one where she gets baby poop on her face — the folks at Nerve recently put together this little compilation of clips from Katherine Heigl movies that shows what it takes to make out with Katherine Heigl. Basically, all you have to do is
- Be a scruffy chauvinist, cynical but with a good heart
- Get stuck with her for a while — car ride, car accident, blind date, new job, etc.
- Use your boyish charm to teach her an important lesson about not taking life too seriously
Boom, next thing you know, you’re lockin’ lips with K-Heigz. Though I don’t know why you’d want to. Didn’t you see the part with the baby poop on her face? Anyway, the point is, all Katherine Heigl movies are the same. Haha, “Get out of my smart car!” Classic!
I’ll do you one better, Nerve. Here’s every Katherine Heigl movie in a single picture:
(video via BestWeekEver)
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Leonardo-dicaprio-yelling-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-under-siege-2-recut-as-a-silent-film-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/the-big-wedding-review-by-vince-mancini-for-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/Dog-House-150x150.jpg)
I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that her breath smells like vanilla milkshake throwup.
And there’s only one more step to get her to let you put it on the two hole:
* Get her drunk on appletinis laced with GHB
That’s because when i woke up next to her, rolled over and remembered what I’d done, I threw up vanilla milkshake all over her.
That reminds me of a joke.
What do you call an ugly bitch who drives everybody crazy?
… I’m sorry, I meant “why?”
that’s all? She makes David Carradine look high maintenance.
I wouldn’t fuck her if this was playing in the background: [tinyurl.com]
So she always falls for the listless rake with the care free life? Sounds like her daddy worked for Cal Trans.
I’LL CALL YOU A VAPID, STUCK UP CUNT BUT YOU’RE GONNA BLOW ME FIRST!!
\O
|
/\
Zieg Hiegl!
Zieg Hiegl!
I’d gray here anatomy…
seriously, its gray… there was a terrible accident at the plant
Well that didn’t work quite right.
\ O
||
/ \
Zieg Hiegl!
Zieg Hiegl!
Be a scruffy chauvinist, cynical but with a good heart
Get stuck with her for a while — car ride, car accident, blind date, new job, etc.
Use your boyish charm to teach her an important lesson about not taking life too seriously
I guess kidnapping her to tie to your basement radiator and torture until she dies probably disqualifies you from the “good heart” part of the first requirement, doesn’t it?
That’s ok, I don’t care if she won’t make out with me.
Ah, Can’t start a sentence with a space. Well, fuckitden.
Can we skip ahead to when the studios realize that nobody wants to see Heigl movies and she ends up doing voices of cgi dogs in crappy kiddy flicks?
If you click on the “Katherine Heigl” tag you get 32 posts, 12 for 2010 alone, and here I am without anything to say. I guess I should’ve kept up with those Heigl exercises.
Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such films as ‘Getting Natalie Portman to Notice you’ and ‘Fingering Kirsten Dunst’s Asshole’…
Ugh, this bitch.
You know, maybe I’m just jealous and bitter because I haven’t found a man to give my life meaning.
Maybe a Heigl-Aniston feud would liven it up for everyone. They could snipe at each other with cleverly-worded comments on TMZ, pointedly ignore each other at red-carpet events, and finally start a slap fight that ends up in a fountain with one or both of them losing their tops.
*dry heaves*
Yeah, it’s not working for me either.
In a search for material I typed Katherine Heigl into IMdb and it told me to fuck off.
Or maybe she’s just a bitch.
Katherine Heigl is a national treasure and, like all good treasures, she should be buried for 1,000 years.
I think Katherine is beautiful. Her eyes really match my crawlspace.
If her eyes match the crawlspace, what matches her hair?
[points to crotch]
No, I don’t take a match to her hair until after I’ve removed her fingerprints and all other identifying characteristics. Wait, what?
This reminds me of that great Bobby McFerrin song, “Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into (the trunk) Of My Smart Car”.
Bobby McFerrin = Billy Ocean when you’ve been huffing paint for 6 hours.
“Be a scruffy chauvinist, cynical but with a good heart”
Add flannel and monkey fufus to the mix and you’re in like Flynn, Vince!
Uncle Adi was right when he said blond women cannot think for themselves and need men to watch over them to make sure they don’t fuck a nigger. The man was a genius.