David O. Russell cruelly mocks Shia LaBeouf
David O. Russell is a director most known for indie-ish, arthouse movies like Flirting With Disaster, Three Kings, and I Heart Huckabees, and also for calling Lily Tomlin a c*nt. Last we heard, he’d dropped out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which is good, because I like David O. Russell, and the only thing I want to do less than see a Pride and Prejudice and Zombies movie is read the book. But now, according to Variety, he’s writing and directing an adaptation of the Playstation 3 game Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune. That’s right, a video game adaptation. If you’ve never seen a David O. Russell movie, think Wes Anderson directing Transformers 4, or Noah Baumbach’s Prince of Persia.
Drake, who makes his living chasing down rare artifacts, is a classic action movie hero, quick with his wits and a gun, with a sly sense of humor. Basically, imagine if Indiana Jones shopped at the Gap, and you’re most of the way home. He also happens to be a descendant of the legendary Sir Francis Drake, and while searching for his coffin, Drake uncovers evidence that Sir Francis not only lived much longer than historians thought, but also may have discovered El Dorado, the famous lost city of gold. By his side for (most) of the adventure are Elena, his love interest and spunky TV documentarian, and Sully, his shady treasure-hunting mentor of questionable morals. [GameInformer review, 2008]
This sounds like it should star Nic Cage and a talking dog. Yet now that David O. Russell is onboard, I’m guessing it’ll be more like if Indiana Jones had been heavily influenced by Sartre. This is gonna be weird.
(Sidenote: Josh Brolin was in Flirting with Disaster before he was famous. Remember that? Here he is licking Patricia Arquette’s armpit)
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If I ever imagined Indiana Jones shopped at the Gap, I’d chop my dick off with a garden hoe.
Elena, his love interest and spunky TV documentarian
Is that some sort of code for “ASU grad”?
David O. Russell cruelly mocks Shia LaBeouf
ROFLKOTAL! You can’t do that shit to Him, man!
So, David is really high?
Well played, Brolin. Intimate, little chance of disease.
I’m good to go with the armpit, but the shower cap just doesn’t do it for me.
Basically, imagine if Indiana Jones shopped at the Gap
Speaking of hate crimes…
Actresses auditioning for the female lead in Transformers 4 have to wash Wes Anderson’s Volvo 240
Was he licking mustard off of her? If so, he dripped some on the bedsheet.
So, David lost a bet?
“Basically, imagine if Indiana Jones shopped at the Gap . . . ”
Wait, is this Gap with the old logo or the new logo? Because if it’s the new logo, then I would have to say . . . oops, nevermind, don’t care either way.
So, David needs to pay off hooker debt to the Russian mob?
So, David really wants to fuck the producer’s daughter?
No, he was not licking mustard off her armpit, you philistine. It was ranch dressing. Mustard is commonly used for the backs of the knees, while ranch dressing and tartar sauce are both commonly acceptable for the armpit.
So, David thinks the universe is out of balance and must make something really shitty to offset his success?
What kind of ranch dressing is bright yellow? Also, wouldn’t he be the philistine? Additionally, “philistine” is an ethnic slur and offends me. I’m not even from ancient biblical times. We can’t keep using these terms casually; regardless of the original usage, it is hurtful today. You owe me and my family an apology and you really need a good shrink, JD.
“We named the dog-shit Drake”
Uncharted was made to emulate blockbuster movies.
But they’ll fuck it up and I’ll still go see it like a douche.
Boy, I’ll tell ya, if I had a nickel for every person who said I owed them an apology, I could afford a really good shrink. Of course, she would have to be smoking hot . . . no fat shrinks allowed.
JD, you stupid fuck. Women can’t be shrinks! Shrinks have brains. And real jobs. Now FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME. No one makes jokes about the relatively unknowable subset of topics that I have deemed taboo because they apply to me personally in one way or another. You deaf cracker.
Patricia Arquette’s armpit tastes like world peace and ice cream. It’s true!