With movies like Die Hard, Predator, and The Hunt for Red October on his resume, John McTiernan was once one of the hottest directors in town, a Brett Ratner before there was Brett Ratner. Then, in a story as old as time, he tried to make a movie about a futuristic roller derby starring Chris Klein and LL Cool J. HIS EMPIRE CRUMBLED!
John McTiernan has been handed a one-year sentence for committing perjury during the trial of P.I.-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano [yes, his nickname is "The Pelican." Duh.]
During the investigation into Pellicano’s nefarious dealings, it came to light that McTiernan hired him, paying $50,000 to wiretap “Rollerball” producer Charles Roven. McTiernan inititally lied to the FBI about his involvement. [ThePlaylist]
If this story sounds familiar, it’s because back in 2007 McTiernan was sentenced to four months for the same crime. And then…
Fischer originally sentenced McTiernan in 2007 to 4 months in prison after denying his motion to withdraw his guilty plea. But the U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco in 2008 said McTiernan should get a new hearing. So last year he was allowed to withdraw his guilty plea because his previous lawyer hadn’t told him he could have tried to suppress the incriminating recording as evidence. [...]
His one-year federal prison term was handed down this morning at a sentencing hearing presided over by the same judge he lied to, U.S. District Judge Dale Fischer. Fischer also ordered McTiernan to pay a $100,000 fine and serve three years probation.
LAWYER: The great news is that your appeal went through! You’re getting a new trial!
MCTIERNAN: That’s great! Wait, what’s the bad news?
LAWYER: They found you guilty again and sentenced you to three times as much jail time.
MCTIERNAN: WHAT?!?
LAWYER: Yeah… you know, a ‘thank you’ would’ve been nice. By the way, you owe me eighty-six thousand dollars.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/john-mctiernan-bruce-willis-die-hard-vengeance-set-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/07/harry-ellis-DIE-HARD-HART-BOCHNER-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/ben-affleck-plays-serious-harry-ellis-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/this-die-hard-mash-up-is-your-late-christmas-present-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
So his lawyer did a kick-ass job that ended up being completely boneheaded? Wow. That guy is the Nate Clements of the legal world.
By the way, you owe me eighty-six thousand dollars.
Bah! That’s almost a month’s worth of hand-modeling money.
*starts courtroom slow clap*
After the sentence was handed down, the lawyer pointed McTiernana to the bailiff and shouted “GET TO DA CAPPAH!!!!!”
His signature move? The Crazy Pecan.
Was The Mighty Feklahr the only one that thought a long series of confusing telegrams (wire “taps”) were sent back and forth between John McClane and a monstrous alien warrior about roller derby, hence the crime against humanity and harsh jail sentence? IS THIS REAL LIFE???
John McTiernan then asked, “Where. Are. My. Detainers?”
Martha Stewart is making some shadenfreude broth.
The judge upped the charge because in the interim between trials he finally got to 13th Warrior on his Netflix queue.
BTK, Lince, that lawyer conversation is exactly how every conversation He has ever had with His imaginary lawyer has gone.
NOW I HAVE AN INDICTMENT HO HO HO
I doubt there is anybody over 15 that doesn’t understand what a plea agreement is, and that judges get pissed when you lie to them and take up their time. I think this is less the lawyer’s fault than it is John’s for being a daft waterheaded fuckwit.
McTiernan had previously pleaded guilty to being a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, but argued for leniency as he had been under the influence of the former governor of Minnesota.
Lawyer: “…and in closing, your worship, I beg the court to, uh … consider leniency … uh, for my client … due to his … uh … Lindsay Lohan.”
*winks at judge*
So he went to jail for a file that likely said:
Roven is a fat Jew.
He orders pizza a lot.
He once called Christian Bale and farted into the handset and hung up and giggled for thirty-eight minutes. And then ordered pizza.
Worth iiiiiiiiit.
I wish I could tell you that John fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it…but we all knew.
It was LaBeouf.