Deadline reports that Easy A‘s Emma Stone, the approachably-hot, squinty stoner chick you thought you might have had a chance with, has been tapped to play Mary Jane Rottencrotch Watson in the 3D, Marc Webb-directed, Scarfield-starring Spider-Man reboot. That’s the great thing about actresses who play high-school girls, man. I get older, they keep playin’ the same age.
That leaves the four other actresses I mentioned yesterday (with the possibility they could widen the search [In other words, "there's a chance everything I'm reporting is totally wrong so don't blame me." -Ed.]) for the role of Gwen Stacy. Those contenders are Glee‘s Dianna Agron, Mia Wasikowska, Georgina Haig and Dominique McElligott. Stacy, played in Spiderman 3 by Bryce Dallas Howard, is a plum part, because she is the first love interest of the high school-aged Peter Parker, played by Andrew Garfield.
Yes, yes, a plum part indeed. All the ladies in Hollywood are practically lining up to hear Scarfield’s futurist poetry and Vampire Weekend mix tapes. “Dude, this 3D is awesome! I thought his unresolved Daddy issues were gonna hit me right in the face!”
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Nanananananana Scarf-Man!!!
Bah, that baktag wench isn’t THAT hot. *looks over to Scarfield* Hey, Dr. Who! Get fuckin’ K9 in the Tardis, WOOF WOOF!
She’s adorable.
Plus, now the villain will actually be the scariest thing in the movie. Because the old MJ had those creepy, creepy teeth.
Spider Sense is tingling. And by Spider Sense I mean my left hand because I sat on it long enough for it to call asleep so I can give myself a stranger. Why, hello Mary Jane…
Her lisp says “punch me”, but her body says “Donkey Punch me.”
fall! fall asleep. QUALITY CONTROL FOR FUCKSAKE.
Scarfield: Ugh, it’s so tough being able to climb up walls without getting my pants dirty.
Mary-Jane Stone: Oh I know, it’s tough being a chick in today’s world.
Scarfield: What?
MJS: Nothing, listen I’m a girly-girl who talks like a tomboy, so that makes me, what? at least 40% more masculine than you?
Scarfield: I can punch holes through brick and shoot webbing out of my hands.
MJS: You wear tights and take pictures of yourself to make ends meet. If you were any girlier, American Apparel would kidnap you.
Scarfield: Whatever, I gotta…*sniff*…gotta go fight some crime now! *Michael-Cera-Prances away*
Once again this flies right in the face of my film-casting rule No. 1: Diora Baird should be in everything.
I don’t care about these minor characters… who is going to play Spider Man’s boyfriend?
Is it just me, or does it seem like Emma Stone would kick Garfield’s ass in a fight?
No, Monks, she’d kick BOTH your asses.
*ZING!*