UPDATE: See below
According to the world’s ugliest website the Drudge Report, Disney is considering cutting all of Keith Richards’ scenes from Pirates 4 due to concerns about “pro-drug” comments in his new book. And thus, we have everything wrong with the world packed into a single sentence.
DISNEY executives are sweating it out as salty details of an upcoming book written by rocker/actor Keith Richards leak and splash. [Dear Drudge, I want to strangle you with your own mouse cord. -Ed.]
Executives fear the rocker’s shocking admissions in his new book, LIFE, may cause a firestorm and ignite a backlash around the family-friendly Magic Kingdom. [wouldn't the verb "ignite" work better with "firestorm," dumbass? How does one "ignite" a "backlash"?]
Among the concerns, Richards appears to detail how to safely get stoned: Use ‘high-quality drugs’ in moderation! Richard writes: “It’s not only the high quality of drugs I had that I attribute my survival to. I was very meticulous about how much I took. I’d never put more in to get a little higher. That’s where most people f**k up on drugs.”
One well-placed entertainment source explains that Snow White may end up dumping her Dopey! [Oh my God I hope you die. Of all the Disney drug references you could've chosen, you picked "Dopey", even though Disney being "Snow White" in this situation doesn't make any f*cking sense. And you thought this was clever enough to warrant both an exclamation point AND a separate paragraph. God you're a jackass.]
“They very well could end up cutting Keith out of the new movie over this,” claims the insider.
“We here at Disney apologize. We had no idea one of the world’s most famous rock stars had done drugs, and once we found out, we had no choice but to fire him from our movie about guys who sail around drinking rum and raping people.”
UPDATE: It’s hard to believe, but the word from Disney is that the story is not true. Say what you will about Drudge, he may have his facts wrong, but he sure does write like a f*cking idiot.
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Should Disney cut Keith Richards from Pirates 4?
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Disney was so much better when it had some balls and was just openly racist. Now look at it. What a bunch of pussies.
Yes, definitely keep the nauseating crustacean people but cut the one reason I’d be interested in seeing the movie.
but if Kiera Knightley is not in it, then with who will I want to have sexual relations with?
Next thing you know they will erase Lilo and Stitch from the archives because they found out that all Hawaiians are meth heads.
As long as it’s in 3-D, I don’t give a fuck.
…
I’ll leave it up to you to decide if this is because 3-D makes my seeing it inevitable or my boycotting of it inevitable.
Drudge deserves to be arrrrrrse raped. By a pack of crackers.
–Somali pirate Mel Gibson
The Magic Kingdom is actually more tolerable on drugs. That Tea Cup ride kicks ass.
Recasting has begun. I hear Mel Gibson is on the list!
Squeeee!
Disney will replace him with America’s sweetheart, Charlie Sheen.
The cast of Hangover 2 had Mel Gibson preemptively fired.
Disney exec: “How about that Kurt Cobain guy? He’d make a good pirate!”
A statement from Disney execs elaborated:
“We sincerely apologize for the misguided casting of an actor who’s very existence is a celebration of lewd and hedonistic behavior.
I would now like to redirect your attention to the attached upskirt photos of Miley Cirus.”
Keith Richards knows it’s only “Yo, ho, ho!”, but he likes it.
This is ironic because in her autobiography, Pamela Des Barre refers to Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Brian Jones as “two and a half men”.
A statement from Disney execs elaborated:
“After the shocking discovery that the sky is blue and water is wet, we will have to pull all movies containing phallic symbols and lewd suggestions that are delicately hidden only to be found by intrepid internet conspiracy theorists!”
Maybe they could put hookers in it and just release it under Touchstone pictures. THINKING IT IS JUST AS BAD AS SAYING IT.
Ah the fucktard hypocrisy of America: where writing about doing drugs on your own personal time gets you canned from a blockbuster movie franchise but playing an alcoholic bisexual pirate doesn’t
But, what if Keith agrees to wear a promise ring?
They’ll cave to the bad press and keep him on. That being said, Lord help him if he gets caught texting-while-driving.
But what message does this send to all the kids who read Keith Richards’ books?
rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape.
rock stars use drugs?!
They should have nothing to worry about, I don’t think kids even know how to read anymore let alone know what a ‘book’ even is.
How are they gonna cut Lindsay Lohan out of all her Disney movies?
Wait until they found out he did his dad.
No, no, not the way you sick fucks are thinking.
He had sex with his father.
Leave in Keith, add Iggy Pop and Ozzy Osbourne and I just might forgive Disney for the damage done to my children by the Jonas Brothers.
Readers are a lost audience for Disney. It’s probably not the drugs that upset them, it’s the printed word.
Good thing they never saw Pocahontas’ book chronicling her alcohol abuse.
[Crappy walks up, dressed as a giant hypodermic needle]
Lackey: [Lackey bursts into Bob Iger's office] Sir, good news and terrible news! Paul the octopus just died…
Bob: Bad news?! Fast track that biopic… STAT!!
L: That’s not the bad news, Kieth Richards did, and liked doing, drugs.
B: [Igers face disappears from crotch. Zipper on pants pulls up as Iger pulls his head out of his ass] No way Yahweh! We can’t have that besmirching our incoherent rapey, stealy, killy, wet nipple shirt, dog fucking movie! Shit-a-loaf! Cut him out. All of it! [Slides head back up ass, zipper opens] And bring my 13 year old boy! It’s time for Uncle Bob’s ‘foot-rub.’
As a man who has visited the Magic Kingdom on a variety of recreational substances I can definitely say that, much like Vegas, being there on a head full of acid is one of the only ways to make being there tolerable.
The best time I ever had at disney was space mountain on acid.
I clearly remember watching the third movie and by the time it was about ten minutes in I was thinking: I was wishing these fucktards would all die in a fire halfway through the last movie – WHY AM I SITTING HERE AGAIN??
Disney™ also reiterated;
“This Christmas™ we’re opening the Disney Vault™. Don’t miss Song of the South™ on Blu-Ray™ for a limited time only”.
Toon. Town™. On. Acid.