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When I woke up this morning, an inside source had sent me news of a new script that’s going around called Dances with Werewolves, which my source tells me will be in 3D, and get at least a limited theatrical run courtesy of Hannover House (who’s also handling the awesome-looking viking LARP movie, Wild Hunt). But before I could change my name to “Queefsward and Derpstein” and stick a post-it that says “PRESS” to my dirty underpants, I found that Dreadcentral had beat me to it. Read this awesome synopsis that they already posted while I fart in their general direction:
Synopsis
Winter, 1864. William Singer and his young brother, Henry, along with four other Confederate POWs, escape from a Union prison camp just outside of Chicago. The ragged band soon find refuge aboard a moving locomotive, only to wake the next morning, train stopped, and the passengers brutally butchered by what appears to be the work of a wild animal. Trekking through the frozen wasteland, the rebels discover that “wild animal” is no animal at all, but a pack of Native American shape-shifting werewolves with an insatiable hunger for human flesh. Relentlessly tracked by the Union Army, hunted by werewolves, trapped within the bitter cold with no food, no water and nowhere to go, they soon discover the hell they left is nothing compared to the horrors all around them.
BUT DO THE ETHNIC WEREWOLVES HAVE SIX-PACK ABS?!!? I NEED TO KNOW!!! A worthy adversary, ethnic werewolves can only be killed by silver bullets, or intense platonic love between two sparkling white Aryans.
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The Mighty Feklahr is sure the kid that hates XBox and Josh would dance with a werewolf.
Dance with a werewolf.
Yes, dance with a werewolf.
But more likely he wants to deepthroat a part of Daffy’s anatomy.
Anatomy.
So it’s like ‘Centurion’, except I don’t have to try to believe that Olga Kurilblahblahwhateverthefuckhernameis could actually kill a 250-pound guy through the power of chick-rage?
I heard one of the characters is named “Crunches til Washboard,” so that should answer your question.
Dammit!! Can I call this movie gay, or not??!!? I’M SO CONFUSED NOW!!!!!
Should have given them parvo blankets.
So, it rains during the entire movie?
herman melville or gtfo
One tear slowly slides down the cheek of an Indian staring at this piece of garbage…
Wait, can I say Indian?!?
So it’s kind of like Mysterious Island only instead of giant crabs, giant, er, chickens(?), giant bees and Captain Motherfucking Nemo we get werewolves. Meh.
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I guess they can give you the privilege to call them Indian, but you never know when they’ll take it back
THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT STATES’ RIGHTS! WHY DON’T YOU GET THAT!
More HOW! than WHY?
*Clears Bong*
Is this, like, the prequel to Native American Werewolf In London, man?
So the werewolves aren’t literally dancing?
Because I was picturing that Yeah Yeah Yeahs video where the werewolf Michael Jackson impersonator murders everybody at the end.
The Indians are the protagonists in this, right? Because there’s no way I’m rooting for Rebel soldiers not to get torn apart by werewolves.
Native american werewolves can also be tamed by steady casino business or introducing them to alcohol.
It seems like eventually you’d be able to take any popular movie from 10 or more years ago, add Vampires or Werewolves, and have a successful pitch. Here, let’s try:
1) A group of kids run away together to go look at a dead body that one of them heard about. The dead body is actually undead, and they are followed by Keifer Sutherland and his greaser buddies, who are also vampires.
2) A group of kids run away together to find the treasure of One-Eyed Willie, a pirate of some renown. Willie ends up being a vampire who makes his crypt in his old pirate ship. They are chased by a family of Italian American Werewolves. Willie and the Italian Werewolves fight. Oh, and Sloth is a Zombie.
See? Fun, right? Ha ha! Go fuck yourself Hollywood!
Whoa. I just had an idea. What if they redid Twilight but added vampires and werewolves??
Expository Dialog: “You crazy man?! That’s just a myth! Silver bullets don’t do nothin’ (unless they’re cold-filtered to capture the taste of the Rockies. And triple distilled.)!!! Here, take this blanket from the Hudson Bay Company.”
Also starring Squanto Chaney Jr. as Cochise Frankenstein.
Are they planning on using real actors for this or are they going to film it using Geronimocap?
So can we finally start referring to Indian Removal policies as “culling”, or perhaps “population control”, rather than genocide? The fucking Injuns were werewolves I tell ye!
The only place a werewolf should dance is on top of a moving van.
I guess they would be “precautionary measures against a hypothetical impossibility”
(I GET BEAT UP FOR EVERYTHING) whY IS THAT GUY FROM THE FLAMING LIPS RIDING THAT HORSE…MY FRIEND RAPHAEL IS NOT A WEREWOLF….AND YES, BIFF TANNENS GANG IS REALLY AN ANGRY CHRISTIAN HIPSTER FRONT…SHEESH EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT…