In what may be the cutest acronym since Al Bundy chartered “No Ma’am”, Bloodsuckers Against Twilight (B.A.T.) and its “real vampires,” staged a pre-Halloween rally and book burning targeting Stephenie Meyers and her sparkling white virgins. In a related Halloween story, all over the country, thousands of black cats crossed Twilight fans’ paths (on the way to the couch).
One protestor, Baron Von Goolo, had this to say about the event; “We’re taking a stand against the racial stereotyping of Stephanie Myers and her horribly written Twilight books. We vampires are supposed to be blood soaked monsters of midnight and shouldn’t look like somebody who’s getting ready to open for the Cure.”
…Says the guy sporting fake contacts, dyed black hair, and white face paint. Haha, good story, Baron Von Goolo. Sidenote: is my latte almost ready?
In related news, a Nicholas Sparks protest by the “real characters” in his novels had to be scrapped when the participants all received woodworking scholarships to the NC School of Design.
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I wonder what these people’s baby funerals look like.
Those protestors suck.
We vampires are supposed to be blood soaked monsters of midnight
Any later than that and his mom can’t pick him up. It’s bad enough hearing him squirrel around the basement half the night, she’s not going to let him go out gallivanting ’til all hours if he expects her to come get him when he’s done.
“…shouldn’t look like somebody who’s getting ready to open for the Cure.”
No, instead they should look like someone who introduces movies like Friday the 13th part VI at 10:35 Saturday night on KCRG-TV9, Iowa’s News Channel! WHA HA HA HA HAAAA!
The “real characters” in Tyler Perry movies are all from the 1920s and spend a lot of time burning up corks.
Bloodsuckers Against Twilight Should Help Internet Twi-hards Create Realistic Zombie Youtubes
Also, fuck you “Baron” Von Goolo. We don’t take kindly to titles of nobility in these parts, ya hear?
Fuck. Forgot the A.
Says Baron Von Goolo on movies the B.A.T. union recognizes and respects: “Once Bitten is our Bible, Quran, Torah, whatever other fucking thing you holy people read.”
Fake contacts only pretend to sting your eyes.
Meanwhile, Baron Von Coolio would like you to turn into a bat and fly on a fantastic voyage.
The shared portion of the BAT/Twitard Venn Diagram is “Virgin”.
I like that Baron Von Goolo has a problem with racial stereotyping that he’s expressing at a rally full of ghost-white people.
Donk, we’ve been over this. Ghosts are white, spooks are black. They were there, you just couldn’t see ‘em.
“You can call me Count Blah. Blah.”
“Ok, Count Blah Blah.”
“No, just Count Blah. Blah.”
“Um, Ok Count Blah Blah.”
“Look, let’s not turn this into some kind of ridiculous Abbot and Costello routine. Blah.”
*rolls 20 sided dice, takes a deep breath*
These so-called “legitimate” vampires are the Illinois Nazis of Dungeons and Dragons. They are invariably pale, bullied closet homos with Napoleon AND Oedipus complexes, and since they are ignored most of the time they try to get noticed by having outlandish, ethereal, “important sounding names”. Here is a snapshot of any roleplay session with these shitstains:
“I, Count Entropiuscon LehStaht Angnenmnonn (the extra “N’s” are important to these assholes, trust me), Baronn of Der Hemoglobic-Defiled Tower of Satanry, and Heir to the Darque Magick of Vampyrysm…have entered the ancient tomb!”
Dungeon Master: *stifles snicker* You find upon a dark, bloody altar an ancient book bound in human skin and written in blood! Can you decipher the text?
“Of course, human rubbish, my ancient text lore score is 24, I can only fail on a roll of 1!”
*rolls a 7, DM slides him a note*
“The text reads, ‘Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong!’, what does it summon for me?”
DM: Hammer of the Gods. I need a saving throw against Holy Damage.
“What? This is an outrage!!! You can’t…”
DM: Just roll, Jherek.
*rolls a 4, fails saving throw*
DM: Tsk, tsk! You failed your saving throw! Better hope I roll VERY POORLY on all of these d10′s…
“God, fuck you guys and your shit, you knew that book was trapped and didn’t even tell me, I fucking quit!”
Damn. Elvira really let herself go.
I don’t think I’m supposed to have the Great White song in my head from looking at his pic, am I…
My people…
‘Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong!’
- Amazing, I have that same combination on my luggage.
Blamco-we have officially gone a level deeper!
BRAAAHM!
Where’s an out-of-control senior behind the wheel of an SUV when you need one?
Bloodsuckers Against Twilight is just half of their title. The rest is – Sodomy Heals, It’s True!
Oh fuck.
Darn you, ZeroCharisma. Darn you to heck.
Paul Bearer’s looking great
Fucking Oregon. This is what happens when you don’t pay sales tax.