"Move along, fella. This is Jet territory." (*finger snaps*)
God knows why we’re only hearing about it now, but it turns out Johnny Depp has long been Tim Burton’s muse, and I’m not speaking solely of cinema. Yes, I’m talking about poetry, theatre’s even gayer cousin. (*dims lights, rolls cigarette*) Turns out Burton wrote a poem about Depp which was published in Double Exposure, Take Three, by Roddy McDowell in 1992. Of course I own it. I keep it on my bookshelf next to some albums by bands you’ve never heard of on vinyl. And it goes… (*finger snaps*) a little something… (*adjusts scarf*) like this… (*throws chalk in the air like Lebron James*)
(imagine Michael Madsen lighting a cigarette and Terrence Howard playing the bongos for ambience)
there was a young man
everyone thought was quite handsome
so he tied up his face
and held it for ransomhe made everybody
back up 20 feet
then he ran off
with his head
down a darkly
lit streetthe whole town
wondered why he’d
threatened his facethey couldn’t understand,
…it was that kind of place.
Cool story, Tim Burton.
…To be honest, I was hoping it’d be a lot more hipstery. I like how it rhymed. And not one word about corsets or super-pale skin. (*kicks can*)
[via holykaw]
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Interestingly enough, there is an old Ferengi limerick about Tim Burton:
Pon raoi goras dion bar
Brarepa su txerer dai par
Xe okil zenbo
Geruntber dor wo
Den dai ron kmeprepla nidar
Roughly translated:
There once was a man named Burton
not all well I will listen to all you wish to tell
rotate my special button
Though gardening sure sucks like hell
Danny Elfman then popped his head out of Tim’s anus and said, “Groovy.”
When asked about writing the music for the broadway play version of this poem, Bono responded with “don’t you think that’s kinda fucking gay?”
Shell Silverstein called. He said “Fuck you, Burton”*
*the actual note was longer. and it rhymed. and it was accompanied by a goofy line drawing of himself fist-fucking Helena Bonham Carter.
I wrote a poem about Johnny Depp, too. It goes a little something like this:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Johnny Depp, get in my vagina
Fek, I thought you’d write “Burton is a fucking hipster baktag.”
This is bullshit. This poem isn’t about Johnny Depp, it’s about Cleavon Little. I loved that scene.
Burton is a fucking hipster baktag
or realistic, but mystic & holistic
Reality is a staircase leading nowhere.
good cockroaches do not go ballistic
Brett Ratner has a book of poetry as well. 27 of the 30 poems have the word Nantucket in the first line.
It’s so simultaneously cute, dark and quirky. Man, that’s so unlike everything else Burton has ever done! *farts loudly, checks to find large skidmark*
I love you Tim Burton, the first Batman was rad,
but how did you manage to make Planet Of The Apes so fucking bad?
Michael Bay prefers Haiku, but only because he has trouble writing more than 17 syllables without using the word “KABOOOOOM!”
“…published in Double Exposure, Take Three, by Roddy McDowell in 1992.”
Why is it that I simply cannot figure out what the fuck that means?
Roman Polanski has a similar poem. It goes like this:
There was a young woman
Everyone thought she was quite pretty
That reminds me, I’m out of Quaaludes
Tim Burton! A master
of Story and Visuals?
Alas! Edward Gorey’s too dead
to sue for residuals.
There once was a man with a frizzy hairdo
But oddly enough he wasn’t Hebrew
His movies were strange
His cast never changed
Making it all the more odd he wasn’t a Jew
Another Burton remake
I’ll keep my eleven dollars
And Netflix Elvis’s Clambake
Burton was a lonely boy
No one with whom to share his joy
He needed an outlet, that’s not such a shocker
So he learned to write poetry while stuffed in his locker
“Tim Burton Haiku”
*ahem*
Johnny Depp is cute.
Helena B. C. is not.
I like dudes, not chicks.
Am I really the only one thinking of Tim Burtan Slam Poetry?
“There once was a boy who was a slave to his face,
Surrounded by bars with a bar in a barred up place…”
If theres a better caprion for that banner pic I’ll eat my leotard. Fackin theatah queeahs.
Caption:
In this picture, the role of Helena Bonham Carter will be played by Johnny Depp.
why can’t he see
what he means to me
i keep hiring him
in the hopes that
his ass i will one day rim
/bongo
best poem I ever knew, I lovvvvveeee it