The NY Times a few days ago ran a profile on Dr. Donald A. Redelmeier, who’s some kind of doctor of quirky statistics. One of his findings, which will be published in a peer-reviewed journal later this month, is that Academy Award winners live longer than the runners up. Which is interesting, because I always assumed that when Quentin Tarantino inevitably suffers an early demise, it will be due to the dual stresses of cocaine and fist-pumping, not because he got totally hosed out of his screenplay Oscar for Inglourious Basterds.
Dr. Redelmeier’s work on longevity began 10 years ago, when he was watching the Academy Awards and noticed that the celebrities on stage “don’t look anything like the patients I see in clinic,” he said. “It’s not just the makeup and the plastic surgery and wardrobe. It’s the way they move, it’s their gestures. They seem so much more vivacious. It seemed so much more than skin deep and might go all the way to longevity.”
His findings: Academy Award winners live an average of three years longer than the runners-up. A potential explanation could be an added measure of scrutiny, a public expectation of healthier living.
Naturally, this led me to a simple conclusion: Meryl Streep is immortal.
There can be only one
Some of his other findings:
- A 41 percent relative increase in fatalities on Super Bowl Sunday, which he attributed to a combination of fatigue, distraction and alcohol.
- Medical school class presidents died an average 2.5 years earlier than those in the control group. The type who would run for class president, he concluded in the resulting paper, “may also be the type who fails to look after their health or is otherwise prone to early mortality.”
- He found that about 25 more people die in crashes on presidential Election Days in the United States than the norm, which he attributes to increased traffic, rushed drivers and unfamiliar routes.
- Dr. Redelmeier was the first to study cellphones and automobile crashes. A paper he published in The New England Journal of Medicine in 1997 concluded that talking on a cellphone while driving was as dangerous as driving while intoxicated.
- Medical School candidates who interviewed on foul-weather days received ratings lower than candidates who visited on sunny days. In many cases, the difference was significant enough to influence acceptance.
I’ve already reached out to Dr. Redelmeier to see if he’ll review my study on the shockingly high correlation between those who smelt it and those that were found to have dealt it.
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Also, Tony Award winners are three times more likely to die of AIDS than Oscar winners.
Extras in Hollywood blockbusters may have a splitting headache, but they can rest (in peace) easy knowing that they’re still 3 1/2 times more likely to have their heads cut off in a John Landis movie than in a Michael Bay film.
Meanwhile, the Donald Redelmeier tag will have 100% less life than Hoo Boy That’s Gay.
He also found that nominees who die before the voting is complete are 94% more likely to win than nominees who lived through the ceremony. His theory that death makes an actor’s performance seem much more impressive is known as the Daffy Duck Conjecture.
This dude was probably sweating bullets right up until the moment that fat fuck who played Precious lost.
Fuck you, Motion Picture Academy. If you guys weren’t such dicks, Patrick Swayze would still be alive.
Looking over to her mantle, Tatum O’Neil smirks and ties another one off.
With 8 noms and 0 wins, Peter O’Toole is kept alive solely by the giggles of perverts.
Michael Douglas might want to start rubbing that little golden statue on his throat for good luck.
Being a nominee but not a winner, does this mean the Paul Hogan will cheat the whole tax thing by dying?
Crocodile Fucking Dundee was nominated for Best Original Screenplay. Look it the fuck up.
I think Tarantino’s gonna die from a deadly, yet extremely sexy, kick to the temple.
What about Oscar Wieners? WHAT ABOUT THE WIENERS?
Meryl Streep’s only weakness? An open hand from Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez.
BET Award Winners are most likely to be shot.
“It’s the way they move, it’s their gestures. They seem so much more vivacious. It seemed so much more than skin deep and might go all the way to longevity.”
Funny, that’s exactly whatt I said after watching the Miss Juggalo Pageant.
AVN award winners have the immune system of a shark and eat nearly as much tuna.
Source Award Winners are more likely to die from syrup drankin’.
Independent Spirit Award winners are more likely to die from the smell of their own farts.
If a People’s Choice award winner died, would anyone notice?
Kids Choice award winners are more likely to be Justin Bieber.
VMA winners get a complimentary scrip for Valtrex.
I’d like to give Sally Field some Boniva.
Tom Hanks has been middle-aged since he was 12.
Thanks to Braveheart, Tim Robbins is going to die before Mel Gibson, but not before he blows him first.
The study also found that the Academy is 99.9% more Jewish than the rest of society.
@Froteur
If a People’s Choice Award winner gave a speech with no one around to hear it, would they still make a sound?
• 22% of divorces are initiated the day after burrito night
• Twihards spend 17% of their income on feline care products, 16% more than the norm
• Vanners are 32% more likely to have a victim escape their clutches if they have been vannin’ for more than 10 hours consecutively
• 307,006,549 Americans don’t know what a Boxing Day is about
• 3 in 4 Film Drunkards just Googled Boxing Day
• 2000 – Andre
• Relative number of Garfunkels to equal 1 Simon 9.45
• 24, number of chromosomes possessed by typical Juggalo
99% of the people who are involved with the Image Awards are extremely likely to be black. The other percent is Rosario Dawson. That’s right, only 100 people give a shit about that show.
79% of statistics are made up on the spot.
100% of the women who see the inside of my Human Centipede-muraled van will also meet my chloroform soaked rag.