Dreamworks has just released the first trailer for the Michael Bay-and-Steven-Spielberg-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie, I Am Number Four, based on the forthcoming book series from James Frey (the Million Little Pieces guy) and Jobie Hughes. It stars Timothy Olyphant, Teresa Palmer, Dianna Agron, Kevin Durand, and Alex Pettyfer, whom I have renamed Alex Pretty Fur. If you’ll remember, this is the film Sharlto Copley dropped out of in a dispute over alien ears. Anyway, here’s the rundown:
In the film, an extraordinary young man, John Smith, is a fugitive on the run from ruthless enemies sent to destroy him. Changing his identity, moving from town to town with his guardian Henri, John is always the new kid with no ties to his past. In the small Ohio town he now calls home, John encounters unexpected, life-changing events — his first love, powerful new abilities and a connection to the others who share his incredible destiny.
His incredible destiny? MIND BULLETS! (*tries to bend spoon, poops pants*)
Meanwhile, in an incredible exclusive, I was able to obtain this footage of director DJ Caruso directing the action on set:
Hold on, I’m receiving a message in my earpiece. …Okay, I’m being told that this is actually DJ Kitty, not DJ Caruso. We apologize for the error.
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It’s like Push crossed with X-Men crossed with Heroes crossed with a bloody shart and aborted fetuses.
Just once, I’d like to see a movie where the hero-person is a chubby chaser.
Just once.
Hold on, I’m receiving a message in my earpiece. …Okay, I’m being told that this is actually DJ Kitty, not DJ Caruso. We apologize for the error.
Oh it’s okay, really, mistakes happen…
* bludgeons Vince into a coma with a didgeridoo *
This isn’t about Shia’s ring finger?
I Am Number Four looks like Number Two.
I am just assuming that a number 4 is when you throw up into your pants while shitting.
Nope, a number 4 is when you’ve eaten someone else’s shit, digested it and subsequently shit it out yourself. It’s also called a “Drew Carey”.
I took a Number 4 yesterday. Indian food is intense.
I need to hit refresh.
Everyone knows Kevin Durand is better than LeBron Jamen.
The last time I heard the phrase “I’m number four”, I was trying to get past the line at my front door during my ex-wife’s lunch hour.
This is the same plot as Superman. Seriously.
@Burnsy–”In the small Ohio town he now calls home”
The twisteroonie is that John Smith signs with Miami at the end.
(*tries to bend spoon, poops pants*)
That’s a Number 5 if you do LASER FUSION at the same time.
And of course a Number 6 is when you come ridin into town, a-whoopin and a-whompin.
A number 7 has to be when you shit inside of a corpse, and squeeze it like a toothpast tube to get the shit back out of the dead hiney.
The last time I said, “I Am Number 4″ was when some pushy motherfucker tried skipping in line claiming that he lived with Lunch-hour Lisa. Man, did she ever love having tossed salad for lunch.
Somehow, I don’t think Sweetie Man will regret his decision.
I am Sam Number Four:
DURRRRRRRR SPACESHIP!
Could this be any crappier? Will his forthcoming book be a selection in Oprahs reading club?
I Am Number 4….at the box office, opening weekend.
*fart noise*
Harry Knowles encounters unexpected, life-changing events — his first love (Cheetos!), powerful new abilities (Javascript!)and a connection to the others who share his incredible density (Comic-Con!), in “I Can Haz A Number 4 With Pepsi?”.
It wasn’t just ears. He wanted a weird nose too. For sniffing out those #2′s
The only better way to add a Caruso to this film? Simple.
“That kid…..is out of this world”
YEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHH
Parkour. Alien parkour.
The other night I almost rated Armored four stars (mostly out of surprise) until I saw the lead do a parkour move. That’ll show ‘em.
I don’t know how you go about being a number 4 in an alien movie, but I know it must surely involve probing.