I posted the first trailer for Rare Exports, the Finnish killer Santa Claus movie, last December, so I forgive you if you’d forgotten about it until now. The Japanese enjoy a well-deserved reputation for being awesomely weird, but I think you could also make a case for Finns. They’re like if you took Japanese eccentricity, added German dorkiness, and baked it in six months of darkness.
Anyway, Rare Exports doesn’t have a US release date set yet, but it plays the Toronto Film Festival later this month and they just released this new, slightly longer trailer. The visuals look awesome and the plot is pretty straightforward: Santa Claus is real, and buried deep beneath the North Pole. When an American mining company accidentally digs him up, he goes on a kill crazy rampage through Finland. He’s probably just pissed they ate all his reindeer. Whackety schmackety (*toilet flush*).
Slow and go out there people, look out for brake lights.
(Awesome logo)
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HO HO HOOOOOO WHA AH AH AH!
the plot is pretty straightforward: Santa Claus is real, and buried deep beneath the North Pole. When an American mining company accidentally digs him up, he goes on a kill crazy rampage through Finland.
God I want to make sweet love to this synopsis on Jesus’ birthday.
Watch your back or Yule die!
I don’t want to have to state the obvious here, but this idea would be so much better if Futurama hadn’t already made an awesome character out of this.
He sees you when your sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He’s hiding in your closet, you’re pretty much fucked.
In Soviet Finland, Santa sleighs YOU!
Laaaast Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you blew me away.
This Christmas to save me from tears, I’m packing a .38 special.
I don’t want to sound racist, but maybe the Finns should be after the six to eight black men instead.
Moral of the story: Don’t staart what you can’t Finnish.
Well if they were mining for coal, it looks like that’s what they’ll get.
I don’t think mixing the Japanese and the Germans is a good idea.
Rare Exports is a chillingly good time, ja?
-Finnish Pete Hammond
That little kid kind of looks like a german jap
Word is Mrs. Klaus is unearthed in the same incident but rather than going on a killing rampage she has an illustrious career as an Olympic powerlifter until she is banned for illegal substance abuse.
*performance enhancing my ass, mistletoe is from the Earth dammit!!
That logo screams “You’re about to get your bells jingled, motherfucker!”
[www.grindtv.com]
Did you baktags see this guy stick a 900?
Come get me when it’s over 9,000.
“Rudolph” is the name of Santa’s infrared beam that guides the bullet right to your head.
[The sound of Crappy's beating heart drives Random Commenter crazy and he rips up the floorboards, Crappy emerges]
A rip roaring sleigh ride! -AICN
When this Santa pulls out his sack the consequences are a tad different… and musky.
In addition to Futurama, there are 2 other evil Santa examples that I know of:
In 1995, the WWF introduced Xanta Klaus, Santa’s evil brother (he steals presents and lives at the South Pole).
In 2005, Bill Goldberg starred in Santa’s Slay, a movie that bravely asked, “What if Santa was actually a demon who, after losing a bet with an angel, is forced to become the giver of toys and happiness?” (the bet ends and he returns to his evil ways).
Well played, Stone Soup.
As for me, I’ll always be loyal to KISS Saves Santa.
“Someone kidnapped Santa? That. Does NOT. Rock!”
Rare Exports 2: Stalking Stuffer