Good news, everyone!  Alex Proyas, director of The Crow and Knowing, among other films, has signed up to direct a Hollywood film adaptation of Paradise Lost, John Milton’s legendary 17th-century English poem about the battle between angels and demons.  Now, personally, I love me nothing more than some 17th-century poetry.  Hell, I practically majored in it at queer school.  Being the cultured intellectual that I am, I’d be interested in a very faithful, very artistic interpretation of the work, featuring costumes and British accents and Kate Winslet.  But I realize that kind of thing is not for everyone.  But you’re in luck, beefcake, because this AIN’T YOUR GRANDPA’S PARADISE LOST!  THIS ONE WILL HAVE AIRPLANES AND P*SSY AND 3D! OOH WAH-AH AH-AH BUKKAKE SQUAD!

The project tells the story of the epic war in heaven between archangels Michael and Lucifer, and will be crafted as an action vehicle that will include aerial warfare, possibly shot in 3D. [Variety]

(*NIC CAGE bursts through the door wearing a ridiculous wig*)  “The Pentagon called me, rogue John Milton scholar Jefferson Davis St. Cloud, because they know I’m the best!  The chairman of the Harvard classics department said I was crazy!  HAHAHAHA– well who’s crazy now?  That’s right, I’VE DISCOVERED A TRANSCRIPT OF LUCIFER’S PLANS ON THE BACK OF THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS!  QUICK, THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME!” (*flies off in personal helicopter*)

Nic-Cage-Knowing