Do you know what today is? That’s right, today is the 54th birthday of National Treasure star and National Treasure Bruce Greenwood. Calling Bruce Greenwood an “actor” is like calling Jesus Christ a guy with a beard, and though we celebrate the anniversary of his birth, his physical age is largely irrelevant as he is immortal. On this date each year, it’s customary for us to bathe in the sacred waters of Quebec’s Lake Osisko near the place where Bruce Greenwood first appeared on Earth, in order to absolve ourselves of any physical imperfections. Then we stand at the water’s edge, clearing our throats heavenward and giving each other the firm, friendly pats on the backside of the Greenwood brotherhood, and exchange framed headshots of our spiritual leader.
A day such as this is also the perfect time to re-read some passages from (now sadly defunct) first book of BruceGreenwood.com:
Did you know that Bruce Greenwood:
- is left handed?
- had the nickname “Greendog” while growing up?
- has a grandmother from Edinburgh and his great-grandfather was the Royal Astronomer for Scotland, who helped discover the almucantar?
- watched television rarely as a child since it was rationed and he saved up his half-hours to view Wide World of Sports on weekends?
- dislikes scarey films and – as a child – was even frightened by the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz?
- lost a front tooth in a tussle some years ago and cheerfully removed it for his part in The Sweet Hereafter?
- lived on his own after Switzerland exploring the European ski circuit?
- was supplementing his theatrical career with a job in a chemical factory when he unexpectedly got the part in his first movie, Bear Island?
- broke his leg during a dance routine in the touring company of Cruel Tears?
- invented an inflatable hat (with best friend Norman Foote) shaped like the Vancouver Stadium Dome for The Grey Cup of 1983?
Yes, Jesus may have walked on water and turned water into wine, but Bruce Greenwood invented the inflatable hat. Jesus’ dad created the Earth; Bruce Greenwood’s great-grandfather discovered almucantar. I doubt the similarities end there. Additionally, Bruce Greenwood’s bare chest cures depression. Witness:
-Thanks to fellow Greenwood society member Scott for the tip.
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“Bruce Greenwood went from a chemical factory to Bear Island” sounds like something William Golding would write.
Also of note, Bruce Greenwood’s chest hair is not the color of an autumn sunrise. The autumn sunrise is the color of Bruce Greenwood’s chest hair.
He looks so sexy in that banner pic. Bruce looks okay, too.
Bruce Greenwood has broken the secret of the giant panda’s language, but will not share it for fear that mankind will use it for evil.
Bruce Greenwood knows a part on your body that he can massage that will make you temporarily immune to the effects of rohypnol, GHB, and chloroform. He suggests you call him if you’re planning on going out tonight.
Bruce Greenwood visited Chris Nolan in a dream and gave him the script for ‘Inception’ because he knew that Nolan would make it the most faithful to his true vision.
Bruce Greenwood is working on a Durst-proof thread that’s both durable and breathable.
Bruce Greenwood was going to buy you all ice cream, but you’re being dicks.
I had no idea he did a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker.
Bruce Greenwood was about to unfollow Filmdrunk on Twitter for getting his age wrong (he’s 54) but he’s such a nice guy he laughed it off as an honest mistake.
Bruce Greenwood is the only thing we take seriously, Donk.
Bruce Greenwood knows what Steven Seagal’s unique physical reaction to arousal is because he was inadvertently responsible for it.
If you knit Bruce Greenwoods pubes into a sweater, it stops bullets.
Bruce Greenwood was Sean Connery’s vocal coach on Highlander, The Wind and the Lion and The Untouchables, thus allowing the famous Scot to give cinema’s definitive portrayals of a Spaniard, an Arab and an Irish cop.
Bruce Greenwood made the mice topped meat cake for Krakatoa the Komodo dragon’s birthday party.
Bruce Greenwood knows when there’s a new up.
From his IMDB trivia page:
Loves to pepper his speech with sound effects and foreign accents.
Fuck and Yeah.
Guess who has the biggest member in that picture..I’ll give you a hint…its Bruce Greenwood
Spider Man reboot producers passed on Josh Hutcherson because they were too afraid to be within one degree of Bruce Greenwood.
Bruce Greenwood can successfully turn Durr! into Hurr! without making a sound.