E! News today reports that Michael Douglas, next set to star as Shia LaBeouf’s father in law in Wall Street 2: Step Up to Tha $treetz (which opens next month), has been diagnosed with throat cancer. It doesn’t sound life threatening, but then I’m not a doctor. I use this stethoscope to amplify farts.
According to publicist Allen Burry, Douglas will undergo eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.
No word whether the lump in his throat is benign or malignant, but doctors have given Douglas an excellent prognosis and expect he’ll make a full recovery.
E! News naturally took this occasion as the perfect opportunity for a sh*tty pun. Their lead paragraph:
Michael Douglas’ most basic instinct right now is staying healthy.
Nicely done, E. Stay classy. We here at FilmDrunk also wish this Wonder Boy a speedy recovery. We hope he gets to his treatments on time and that there isn’t Traffic, because this is cancer, it’s not The Game. Full Disclosure: my uncle had a throat tumor, but the Solitary Man ended up Falling Down when the cancer became a Fatal Attraction. But Don’t Say a Word.
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Perhaps it was something he picked up while staying One Night at McCool’s, or perhaps it’s somehow related to The China Syndrome. Or maybe It Runs in the Family. Either way, a Disclosure would set things straight.
Hopefully it will fuck up his ability to speak coherently and he can finally star in a biopic about his father.
What the fuck is “Black Rain” supposed to mean, anyway?
Hey baby, you got a malignant lump in your throat?
…want one?
E! just lost The Game.
Hopefully he can Romance the (cancerous) Stone. From his esophagus.
He also thought his wife had deep throat cancer, but it turns out she just likes sucking off guys whose birthdays are in early July.
The last thing I saw that Mickey D was in (fuck you, I didn’t actually watch the piece of shite) was Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.
I can’t do a thing with that.
Ok, I don’t know what kind of gathering they are at in that pic but I can tell you that Shia’s least favorite party food is finger sandwiches.
Also, ambrosia. That shit is nasty.
When reached for comment, Kirk Douglas just frowned.
this is a side effect of blowing the Devil to keep your career going.
*rushes to IMDB, scrolls*
I was just talking about this with Obama. I said, “This Michael Douglas news sucks. Hey, do you wanna go see ‘The American, President’ (President Andrew Shepherd)? Maybe seeing who the Nationals are playing and catch ‘The Game’ (as Nicholas van Orton)? I could really use some ‘Entertainment Tonight’ (as self).”
Maybe it is just the opportunity of finally getting to work with Shia LaBoeuf that has him a little choked up.
Wait…can’t they just remove the cancer with an ice pick?
When god asked who wants some cancer, Michael Douglas said, “It’s My Turn.” Thanks, IMDB, and, uh, cancer I guess.
wow the makeup department did a great job on Shias old jew face
Too bad Shia did not get the cancer instead.
He and Zeta Jones are going to end up being the most annoying couple ever. No one will be able to understand a thing either one says.
They always thought they were Tough Guys and A Man to Respect, but once you’re in your 90s you can’t escape The Fury of age and it’s time to start The Final Countdown to The Light at the End of the World. As he heads toward The Last Sunset, he sure picked A Lovely Way to Die.
* rereads post
** closes Kirk Douglas’ IMDb page
Uh… so yeah, fucking shame, innit?
Isn’t he meant to be playing Liberace? Art imitates life – Liberace also had things stuck in his throat too.
Why does it feel like someone just took a giant dump on my eye-balls? Get this shit outta my eyes!
Oh how the mighty have fallen, who would have ever thought Michael Douglas would be reduced to co-starring in a reboot of Mr Bean.
I pray that Kevin Bacon doesn’t develop multiple sclerosis, or restless leg syndrome, or fall into a coma, or drown in a body of water that has magical properties, or get mauled by an animal.
However I wouldn’t mind if Sarah Palin was crucified by an unknown assailant
They missed the most obvious one which is COMA.
Maybe the lump in his throat is actually the Jewel of the Nile?