
11 days ago, we found out Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, was doing a Vivid porn. Last week, we learned she’d filmed an earlier porno (“Phatty’s Rhymes & Dimes 14″). About five minutes after that, we found out she’d been arrested for prostitution. Today, I bring you the news that her co-star in her first hardcore scene, Brian Pumper, is an aspiring rapper, and he has recorded a song dissing Jay-Z’s “weak sex game.” I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. Yes, it’s a wonderful time to be alive, I whispered to my Japanese sex pillow.
I had to put the video after the jump because the lyrics are naughty, but here’s a sample:
She tired a you, your sex game weak. You don’t lick cootchie right, you ain’t packin’ no meat. You aint da man in the bedroom, you don’t know what choo doin. You ain’t ill wit da pipe, you ain’t (unintelligible)
You probably let off quick, no discipline wit da stick.
What’s good, you wanna release, I gotchoo girl. Don’t trip, I’ll make you gush, I’ll rock your world. I wanna suck on your clit, I wanna make you come, I wanna get you super wet, let’s have some fun.
You know, I think this might be about sex.
I find all this talk of genitals and excretions much too crass. Where’s the foreplay? I much prefer a nice young man who I know will at least take me to the movies and buy me some popcorn first.
[thanks to SmokingSection for finding this]



Rules of the universe-
Fat girls give good head.
Guys with little dicks lick vag well.
So Jay-Z must then be a new breed of humanoid.
Weak sauce, Brian Pumper (if that even IS your real name).
Let’s show him how it’s done.
Why couldn’t have this been Joaquin Phoenix? You know some trippin’ ass harelip motherfucker would rhyme out some crunk shit about eating pussy.
I’m also way better at sex than Jay-z. I’m the one, for there is no poon.
In a Shyamalan-esque twist, his name is really Brandon Pumper.
I recognize this song from my K-Tell Records “Vulgar Hits Bitches Strip To” compilation cd.
Shenanigans! Black guys don’t eat anything that isn’t deep fried and covered in hot sauce.
The only time porn stars “spit hot shit” is when they go ass-2-mouth.
As Ed Lover tweeted yesterday:
“Hey black people, there’s jobs other than rapper.”
Somewhere C-Tate is reconsidering the meaning of life.
Maybe if Jay-Z were better at eating pussy, Beyonce would quit being such a bitch and Destiny’s Child would get back together.
*crosses fingers*
You ain’t ill wit da pipe, you ain’t (unintelligible)
Damn. He is good. And I know my rapping.
I think we have better odds seeing a jewish guy eating pork flavored ramen noodles than Beyonce quitting bitchcraft.
Yes, Jack!, but he’s doing both kinds, rap and porn.
All you women who don’t your pussies ate-en! Throw your hands up at me!
In related news, DJ Jazzy Jeff is awesome at tossing salads.
(He works at the Olive Garden)
This business model worked out well for Eazy-E if I remember correctly.
“Bangs” sounds like a better rapper/porn star name than “B Pumper”.
Here we go again. Why can’t people just stick to what they’re good at? Why do
Jamie Foxx Zoey Deschanel Bruce Willis Eddie Murphy Russell Crowe Stephen Kingotherwise decent entertainers have to try to cross over into music? It NEVER works. Mr. Pumper, I submit to you that with a name like yours you are fit for two occupations: Slut F*cker or Oil Derrick Operator. I think the choice is clear, sir. Drill, baby, drill![b]I’M BRIAN PUMPER![/B]
LL Cool J is known for his lip-licking.
Eazy E thinks they’re all amateurs.
Pumper’s got nothing on Bushlick Bill.
Pumper enumerates several of Jay Z’s problems, includes bitch.
White guys can’t use HTML
“Allegedly” is for the crime itself. She definitely was arrested, so alleged is not necessary.
/internet lawyer journalist
Eminem will eat your pussy if that’s where you keep your Vicoden. I’m not the only one who does that, right?
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this dude in the 7-11 parking lot selling CDs. No good can come of a conversation that begins with “Ay, yo! Yo, man. You like hip-hop?” If you’re not even gonna offer to wash my windows, f*ck off.
Colonel Sanders > Colonel Angus
Jay-Z might not be able to eat pussy but B Pumper definitely sucks ass.
Jay-Z licked it so he put a ring on it.
When does his And 1 tape drop?
Coolio ate pussy great. One time. In 1995.
It’s funnier if you read the lyrics in a 90′s slow jam fashion.
Flava Flav’s no good at eating pussy either, but he’s got an extra set of hands so it’s all good.
He’d sound so much better if he didn’t have a sore jaw.
“Jiz Markie” sounds like a better rapper/porn star name.
From Rhyme’s and Dymez 14:
Hype Man: Brian, you changin’ dat girls laaahf.
B Pumper: Nah, mayne. She changin’ mines……..and you don’t eat pussy good.
And why is Samir from Office Space in the banner pic?
He’s grinning like an idiot because
he’s about to get himself a little sumpin-sumpinVince didn’t even realize his formal St. Patrick’s Day shirt was stolen.Brian Pumper makes him sound like a white guy. If you’re a rapping blorno star, you need a name like Smizzy Filf, or Toofy Bash’ems, or something a little more believable.
ZC, are you saying I’m fat and have a small penis?
Wait…
The unintelligible part is “you ain’t sick with the screwin”
I ghostwrote that for mr. pumper, unfortunately he is the black mumbly version of C-tates, so you can see where the confusion lies. Great song, though.
I watched some of her porno..out of curiosity only of course! Anyway, I have no idea why someone who doesn’t actually know how to have sex wants to be a porn star, but Mt Fishburne doesn’t have to worry, her career won’t last long!
I realize Brian Pumper gets more ass than a proctologist (BA-ZIINNG), but I think he has a future in music because he raps straight from the heart. If lyrics like “It goin’ be crazy when I get inside you” are wrong than I don’t want to be right.
She should spread her ass cheeks wide open and make some joke about only opening the door, and telling her costar its up to him to plow through it. See, that’s a variation of a Morpheus line from The Matrix. It also applies to her imminent assplosion. IT WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS.
I can’t believe they made 14 Phatty Rhymes and Dymes movies. Couldn’t they have thought up a new name at one point?
Also, I can’t wait for spoofs of this porno with Morpheus edited in.
“Tonight, let us shake this cave. Tonight, let us tremble these halls of earth, steel, and stone, let us be heard from red core to black sky. Tonight, let us make them remember, THIS IS ZION AND WE ARE NOT AFRAID! ”
“ooooooh daddy, make me feeeel good!”