VANILLA-ICE-NINJA-TURTLE

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out when I was a kid but still sell a buttload of toys, which is why you hear Hollywood announce a new Ninja Turtles project every six months or so.  The last movie was WB’s CGI TMNT in 2007 (remember when New Kids on the Block tried to reinvent themselves as NKOTB?  On second thought, forget I said that.).  Viacom acquired the rights earlier this year, and in May it was announced that Michael Bay’s company, Platinum Dunes, would be producing the latest version. Now the word is that Paramount has hired Iron Man writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway to write it, paying them ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

“The studio is looking at this as its next huge franchise, like Transformers,” a source just told me. Paramount’s Adam Goodman is fast-tracking and wants a first draft by October for a 2012 release.  Marcum and Holloway shared credit on Marvel’s Iron Man and just wrote the Highlander reboot for Summit, which will start shooting next year under helmer Justin Lin whose Fast And Furious 5 is filming right now for Universal.
The speed is understandable since Viacom Inc’s Nickelodeon acquired the rights to the property for $60 million, in partnership with sister company Paramount Pictures. [Deadline]

Much as I like Iron Man, the script was the least of the reasons why.  In fact, last I heard from Jeff Bridges, Iron Man didn’t even really have a script.

“They had no script, man!” Bridges exclaims [see? I told you].


“They had an outline. We would show up for big scenes every day and we wouldn’t know what we were going to say. We would have to go into our trailer and work on this scene and call up writers on the phone, ‘You got any ideas?’ Meanwhile the crew is tapping their foot on the stage waiting for us to come on.”  [...] Bridges says that the entire production was probably saved by the improv prowess of the film’s director and star.

Awesome.  And you’re paying these guys $1 million?  Money well spent, Paramount.  But I hope you saved some money for the more important stuff, like Channing Tatum’s voice coach.  You ever tried to get that mumbly whigger to properly enunciate “cowabunga”?  It’s a fool’s errand, a fool’s errand, I tell you.

Might I suggest a Juggalo tie-in, my ninjas?