Here we have the first trailer for Fair Game, starring Naomi Watts as Valerie Plame and Sean Penn as Joe Wilson, directed by Doug “Uncle Touchy” Liman. This looks Valerie LAME, amirite? High five? …Guys? Look, it’s not that the true story of a CIA agent getting outed by the government (a potentially life-threatening situation) for refusing to lie for them isn’t inherently dramatic, it’s definitely got more drama than, say, the story of the Facebook guy, it’s just that we already know that she’s fine. Hell, she wrote the damn book. It’s a little hard to take that much drama and heroic music in an autobiographical story. “Yeah, so then I was all like, ‘DID. YOU. ORDER. THE CODE RED!” and he was all, ‘YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!’ and then I kissed Demi Moore and the crowd went wild. I’m telling you, I was the best fruity midget JAG lawyer the Navy had ever seen.”
They went all Social Network with this one when they probably would’ve been better off going the Burn After Reading/Wag the Dog route. By the way, I still say “Wag the Dong” would make a great porn parody title. Starring Naomi Twattz.
Obvious Mash Up Idea:
NAOMI WATTS AS VALERIE PLAME: “You can’t break me. I have no breaking point.”
DOLPH LUNDGREN AS IVAN DRAGO: “I must break you.”
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are you still interested in a Valerie Plame movie?
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By the way, I still say “Wag the Dong”
See, I say “Wang the Dog”. I guess it all just depends on your stance on bestiality. My stance? Right behind them, legs slightly spread, hand resting on lower back.
it’s definitely got more drama than, say, the story of the Facebook guy, it’s just that we already know that she’s fine.
Spoiler alert, dammit!
There is only one way to effectively add drama to a story without a surprise ending – have Celine Dion compose and perform the entire score.
Waiter: DID. YOU. ORDER. THE CODE RED!
Me: Fuck Mountain Dew, I ordered a Coke.
So wait, Naomi Watts is reprising the Cindy Crawford role?
Fuck this shit. If I wanted to watch a movie about Valerie Plame I’d just rewatch Mulholland Dr. Unlike this piece of self-satisfied crap, I don’t know what’s going to happen in Mulholland Dr., and I’ve already seen it. Twice. What I do know, is that Valerie Plame gets outed as a super-horny, tit-hungry lesbian who CANNOT stop masturbating. Now that’s counter-intelligence I can trust. Also, no Sean Penn. Also, Billy Ray Cyrus is in it.
Sean Penn:
*points to Naomi Watts’ crotch
“IS THAT MY DAUGHTER IN THERE?!?
IS THAT? MY! DAUGHTER! IN THERE?!”
Plame: “You can’t break me. I have no breaking point.” (*exaggeratedly crosses arms in defiance*)
*It’s Like That by Run DMC begins to play*
Drago: “I must break you.” (*does windmill, saves
Rec center*)
Sean Penn is playing Jerry Springer?
NAOMI WATTS AS VALERIE PLAME: “You can’t break me. I have no breaking point.”
KEANU REEVES RUNS IN: Did somebody say “Point Break”?
NAOMI WATTS AS VALERIE PLAME: [stares blankly]
*SAD KEANU*
FIN.
No offense to Vancini but if I cared any less about this I would… ugh, so much apathy I can’t even bring myself to dismissively wank.
*half-hearted mouth fart*
I like to imagine Sean Penn having sex with Madonna . . . the ’80′s sexpot version, not the recent creepy version . . . and I picture her pulling out a camera as a surprise for Sean, to take some naughty photos. He smiles and strikes a sexy pose, she hits the button, the flash goes off, and Sean snaps and punches her in the face, screaming “DIE, PAPARAZZI, DIE!”
Mmm, good times.
I liked it better when Sean Penn represented the U.S. Government by going full-retard in “I AM UNCLE SAM.”
The movie types in caps lock because folks like Squeaky have a hard time communicating at a normal volume, you see.
So only self referential graphic novel based movies or movies that are so bad they’re ironically good. Got it
So only self referential graphic novel based movies or movies that are so bad they’re ironically good. Got it
How the fuck did you get that from me suggesting Burn After Reading and Wag the Dog?
andreDEQUARDO wrote: “So only self referential graphic novel based movies or movies that are so bad they’re ironically good. Got it.”
And boobs. Don’t forget, any movie with boobs.
I will only watch this if it has Tom Cruise in a tuxedo, pointing at the sky and shouting “De Plame! De Plame!”
I wasnt indicting this specific post. With the exception of needing more homophobic turtle I really do enjoy the site Vince. The posts just seem less jokey and more pessimistic than usual. More jokepessimistic if you will (don’t) I realize from a budgeted studio standpoint the film output isn’t great (exception: Vampires Suck, which Armond White described as “an intellectual enema in which the protagonist is the precursor to the polysyllabic words I use to hide my self hatred” this is a solid comedy site but seems the mood is grimmer.
plus, if you keep up, or read a book or anything.. she was kinda walkin around telling people what she did. as in.. ‘hey everyone, im a secret agent. but aside from all of you here at this dinner party, can really, really not tell anyone. im super serious.” buncha dumb fucks listening to a dumb bitch.