The winners of the 2010 Teen Choice Awards will be announced tonight at 8 p.m. on Fox, and while we certainly don’t want to ruin the most prestigious night in the entertainment industry for all of you – and I assume it’s all of you – who will be watching. However, my good friend and FilmDrunk favorite, Channing Tatum, has won the Teen Choice Award for Choice Movie Actor: Action Adventure for his harrowing performance as Duke Hauser in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. And, of course, he’s so excited and elated that he asked if he could share his acceptance speech with us in advance.
Yo girl, yo teen girl, and yo parents of teen girl who allowed yo girl to vote for C-Tates, it is wit great humidity that I accept this honor as yo choice actor for G.I. Jeezy-Joe. And yo girl, I gots to say… YA BOI C-TATES FOR REALZ, SON WHAT! Yo, I knows I was super dope fly like Goldblum in da G.I. Joe, heard? I’m all like, Yo Cobra suck deez nutz, right? And Joey Lauren Adams is all like, Yo I’m Cobra Commander, what bitch? And Marlon Wayans is like, Yo C-Tates, light this cracka up! And I’m like, Yeah beeyotch, you gots to answer to the C-Tates, son.
But yo, it ain’t over. We gots the sequel comin for real, and C-Tates gon be back like a heart attack. Yo girl, dis is da start of somefin realz, nawmsayin? It’s like, first C-Tates wins da Teen Choice Award. Then I be all like, I’d like to thank the Academy and sh*t. Then I’mma be like, Yo Source Awards, this is a honor, true dat. Then I be all, Yo girl, thanks for dis Nobel Prize for Workin’ Dat Ass, ya feel me, playboy?
I’m so honorable to be ‘ceptin this award wif such incredible actors and actresses also gettin’ they swerve on. Yo girl, Ashton Kutcher be all winnin’ for dat comedy Valentine’s Day. And yo, C-Tates be doin’ some comedy work, son, so maybe I be back here next year layin’ my flava down on dat award, too. But I ain’t be bangin’ no fitty year old chick, even though dem tittays be slammin’, dogg. A-Kutch knock the dust off that crack, holla.
And I ain’t be all about the C-Tates. Nah girl, when you wins an award, you gots to come correct and reprazent a role model, dig? So I’m tellin’ all you kids out there wanna be like the C-Tates, you stay in school and don’t do drugs, right? Yo girl, you gots to get dat education, son. You gots to learn how to speak all proper and sh*t like you an ambassador or a foreign laundromat. And don’t be usin’ yo fists to fight people. You win yo battles using yo feets like a real man. You gots a problem need solvin’ you remember this advice: First you pop it, then you lock it, and yo girl only then can you achieves it.
C-Tate also wanna thank God for giving all you girls dat slammin’ ass, much respek to yo mama and yo daddy. PEACE!
"Boo Boo Stewart inna muhf*ckin house, son! HOO! HOO!"
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Watch out fo’ the burn scars when you crankin’ C-Tate’s Love Rod like that little girl!
Also (and no disrepect to the Drunkettes intended here) Joey Lauren Adams as Cobra Commander >x10 than Joseph Gordon Levitt as Cobra Commander. ANY. DAY. OF. THE. WEEK.
C-Tate has been cast as Acetate, the villain in the next Batman movie. He gets his name because he both looks AND smells like a douche.
The fuck is vinegar gonna do, ruin the flavor of fondu cheese? Now Aces Tate would be pretty rad, specially if they used Chris Farrley’s whore brother to say look at those Taight Ace cracks! Ace Tate is gonna work your perineal reflexes like crazy, you’ll never guess what nightmares come from this bear trap.
C-Tate. C-Tate mack. Mack, C-Tate, mack.
[Taco truck pulls up, Crappy gets out smoking a spliff made of cilantro]
This is why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
*pulls out wallet*
Laundromatic. Immunity.
The Mighty Feklahr really feels they need to saturate the mumbly wigger meets Saturday Morning cartoon market and suggests an Inspector Gadget reboot starring Cam Gigandet:
“Put them hands in the izzair, bitches! Breast Inspector Gigandet be stompin’ and glidin’ up in this mu-fuckah. Checkin’ for lumps and rollin’ fat blunts, know’hm sayin’? GO GO GIGANDET HOOKAH! Where my Tekes at?”
Yo, yo son! Wat be crackin my nicca? Wat be dat? Ya juz koolin it? I juz be chillaxin an’ spillin sum bubz up on dem skeeze, fill me playa? Ganked me my mac frum da bodega down’da hood, son! So juz fittin ta get bent, an’ all dat shit. But it be bumpin, yo. Gotz me my bizkit ‘n da strap an’ my pumpz ‘n da whip, so I could git’up an’ merkin if dem bo janglin wankstaz be steppin. What? What!? Foo. I’s be ready ta rize up lyke dis be da skoo yard, son! Fill me? Juz be turnin knots on dem fitties, but ya see, makin all dat guap up wif da whoadies be makin dem haters git buggin yo, fill me? How ya thinkz I keepin my jonx smoove, son? Ya gots ta keep yur kickz clean, an’ shit. Fill me? Fill me?? Dis be cuming frum ya splankin phunkadelic brudda who be throwin it down’na undahwahta like a bumpnoxious Thumpasorus Recks! Chill, son! Reprazent!!
Hey Fek, thanks for making me feel a whole lot better about myself! You see, after your Inspector Gigandet remark I decided to finally put forth some effort and find out who this mumbly wigger understudy that the Drunkards are always comparing to C-Tate is. Lo and behold, one IMDB search later and I have NEVER seen anything this asshat has been in!
It truly is a beautiful day.
Just reading the list of winners I could feel my brain leaking out of my ears. The best part is that I think District 9 was up for some of these and yet…surprise…Twilight won every catagory it was up for.
I would like to erase the entire length of time I was considered a teen. Can I do that? Do we have stuff that can do that?
I have NEVER seen anything this asshat has been in!
You fucking LIE, he was in Twilight!
Really? No love for the Inspector Gigandet? Time to go back to the drawing board…
*crosses out John Cena donkey punching Smurfette…starts doodling a Ferengi Rabbi counting money and laughing maniacally*
Hey now, let’s not pull the trigger too quickly on that Smurfette-donkey punch idea . . . maybe instead of John Cena we use the guy from Avatar, make it a real blue movie?
After reading that acceptance speech, I had to check to see if I could taste pennies because I was sure I was having a stroke. A mumbly wigger induced stroke. And not the fun kind Brittany Murphy used to make me want to do.
ooooh shit son, c-tate my dogg. we gonna be rolling up to dat awards aight, gonna pop that that teenage pussy like a champain bottle. C-TATE
Lemme tell y’all bout Jazz… Jaa’azzz, ya’see, iza bit like Jello Puddin’… No, no. Jaa’azzz, ya’see, izmo like’a Kodak fee-ilm.