(“Yo, girl, C-Tates just got a idea.”)
If it seems like there’s an overabundance of Channing Tatum news lately, it’s because our beloved C-Tates is the hardest working man in show business, truly fulfilling his destiny of becoming a leading man. The latest news is that Tatum will star and produce The Contortionist’s Handbook, based on the 2002 Craig Clevenger novel about a forger that changes identities. As always, C-Tates was more than willing to give us his amazing insight on this new conquest as a producer.
Yo girl, check it – I gots to be quick, ain’t actin’ a dick, but C-Tates can’t stick, cuz he workin’ films mad sick. Feel that, son, it’s ya boi, C-Tates. Can’t be yellin’ today cuz I ain’t hurtin’ my voice for no FilmDrank, heard. Ain’t nuthin’ against you playas, but C-Tate’s makin’ his dreams come true, producin’ like my man Dr. Dre. ‘Cept this ain’t nuthin’ but a G Thang, you ready? Ain’t nuthin’ but a C Thang, HAHA C-TATE, WHAT! RECOGNIZE, DEADLINE!
Stretching into a producing role with The Contortionist’s Handbook seems a logical progression for Tatum, the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra star who broadened into the romance genre with the hit Dear John. The Contortionist’s Handbook won’t begin production until late 2011, understandable because Tatum is booked solid.
Yo girl, you needs to learn what a comma is, son. I ain’t booked solid. I’m booked, solid. Recognize before I break off some moves and make a fool out ya ass, right? But yo girl, I’m a award-winning actor, right? You think I can’t play no forger? Check it, I did me a little short film for Souf by $oufwess called “Morgan and Destiny’s Eleventeenth Date – The Zeppelin Zoo.” Yo girl, I had to copy and paste dat whack sh*t, but its got my boi Joseph Gordon Love-Hewitt. You can’t even see C-Tates because I gots a fake mustache on. Consider yo mind blown, beeyotch. Haha, yo girl, speaking of blown… C-TATE’S OUT! GI JOE, WHAT!
Video via Buzznet
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Was I the only one who leaned in closer to the computer screen to try to see that girl’s poon?
This is probably the best casting decision since Tara Reid as a scientist in Alone in the Dark.
I was excited when I mistakenly read that he’d be playing a Frogger.
Wil Wheaton just keeps sighing as he waits for his
awesomeuber routine of being a “perpetually incredulous mega-nerd and not giving a fuck” to catch on at Filmdrunk for his “Faggy FilmdrunkOVER 9000!Fifteen Minutes of Fame”. *rolls 1 on d20, curses to Helm*Having sat through that short, grinding my teeth merrily all the way, I now want to kill every fucking smug hipster involved.
- ‘cept ya boi C-Tates, of course.
Heh, heh, you see, if you ever read Wil Wheaton’s blog…that post is pretty funny. Sort of.
Ugh. The Hindenburg was less flaming.
That short made me feel like I was trapped in a dark elevator with a coked up Diablo Cody for twenty hours while scarabs tried to eat my eyeballs out and Panic At The Disco played on a Fisher Price turntable a double speed, and Jason Reitman kept trying to take pictures of me, and telling me “blow geo gas through my face hole” or some shit, and then the rest is just a white-out set to the sound of fingernails on a chalk board with Joaquin Phoenix trying to touch my wiener.
My ex wife could get into that position. It was part of a collection of positions she called “Shit I won’t do for you.”
F*ck me, did that make me want to gouge out my see-globes, just so I wouldn’t have to watch any more of that shit.
I’m just upset that I only now found out about that short film.
That short sounded like a thesaurified Stephanie Meyer book.
Stone, the entire adult male poplulation of Louisiana referred to it as “Stoney’s wife is fucking drunk again!” The only difference is this chick is wearing pants.
Morty monitored the miniature movie, morosely mulling maladies major and minor, musing mistakes made and motivations mitigated. “I must manufacture my own movie,” Morty mutters, “but meager means mean my movie would be meager.” Majestic machinations duly mangled, Morty magically makes minor personal amends by masturbating his middling member. Just like always.
I want to subscribe to C-Tate’s Twitter feed.
Bubb Rubb: Not see-globes, Them’s C-Globes
Yo, cousins, ya boi C-Tate’s going to come wit his own Contortionist’s Handbook as part of the gulliest cross-promotion, nawmean? I be drawing people’s faces mad funny.
Y’know, I wouldn’t recognize C-Tate if I sat on him, and there’s a good chance that I have.
I’m cutting off a finger in protest.
Oh look, she has an outie.