Remember the super-hip pastor who said “Avatar is Satan?” Well he’s back, and this time he’s not too pleased with Twilight, or any of the other supernatural romance books trying to piggyback on Twilight‘s success. It may be a churchy abstinence parable to begin with, but it’s still a MORMON abstinence parable full of vampires. Fundamentalists bashing books is nothing new, and it makes perfect sense — the more well-versed in narrative device and metaphor you become, the more a strictly literal interpretation of the bible starts to seem like a less-good idea. And of course the fringe Christians have been always been down on anything with vampires or sorcery (see also: Harry Potter). But I can’t help it, this guy is legitimately fascinating.
For one thing, it’s fun to hear him refer to Edward, Bella, and Jacob as “the beast, the false prophet, and the antichrist.” (Team Antichrist!) For another, while he may not make any new or interesting points about why reading a book about vampires is bad, he’s oddly adept at “the rant”, and has solid comedic timing for a guy who’s crazy. He’s actually funny if you ignore the basic logic of the things he says.
“That means you’re consulting with dead people! It’s about sorcery, witchcraft, divination, wicca… dead people! You know what? Dead people don’t talk to you!”
Haha, very true, Douche Kazoo, very true. I’m with you so far…
“Demons pretend to be dead people!”
“Dead people don’t talk, that would be ridiculous! Clearly it’s demons from hell using the dead people like microphones.” Phew, good thing we cleared that up. Hey demon, pass that sh*t, Kirk Cameron wants to sing “It’s Rainin’ Men.”
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God been hates been fags been!
Duh! Dead people don’t talk to you, snakes and incendiary shrubbery do, idiot.
This guy is not only a book burner, but steals out of Luke Walton’s closet, too!
If demons pretend to be dead people, and dead people don’t talk to you… uh mmmm, Jesus?
Three comments before you guys could work in a plaid-shirt joke? I expect better.
Also… aren’t demons dead people? Like dead people from a long time ago that are Satan’s posse?
This guy was right on about these books should just be called “Bad Idea”, though.
Demons are shit some primitive minded goat herder too dumb to move out of the fucking desert made up 5000 years ago to satisfy his need to explain his ignorance.
So yeah, Satan’s crew.
No. Demons are malevolent, supernatural beings seperate from humans.
/serious
This is funny, I say almoast the exact same things about 700 Club.
Demons aren’t people. Just like women.
Is he supposed to look like a young Fred Willard? I fear sorcery here.
JESUS DIDN’T
TAPSPARKLE!I bet if you told him Jacob wanted to build a mosque at Ground Zero that his head would explode.
*wanks gaily*
Crazy or not, I can’t really hate on someone who hates Avatar and Twilight as much as I do.
“Demons pretend to be dead people!”
See? Not even Satan wanted to take the chance that Palin would become president.
Demon is a Greek term (daimon), and in Classical Greek it means something along the lines of a (usually, but not exclusively, benevolent) divine spirit or power. In later Christian terminology it comes to signify evil spirits exclusively, sometimes fallen angels, sometimes less specific.
/Goddammit, I come here to get away from work.
Jacob is the Anti-Christ? Great, ANOTHER fucking LOST theory.
“Demons pretend to be dead people!”
I’ll take “Worst Possible Defenses at Your Own Necrophilia Trial” For $600, Alex.
If this guy would can the spirituality BS and just hate on these books for how awfully they are written, he might be as cool as…us?
A demon pretending to be a dead person? Gene Simmons in a KISS casket?
(yes, please)
“Demons pretend to be dead people!”
That explains why Soylent Green tastes like deviled ham.
*waves from the corner*
Way ahead of you, fags.
“Dead people don’t talk, that would be ridiculous!”
Tell that to Haley Joel Osment, but you might wanna get there before Walker.
“That means you’re consulting with dead people! It’s about sorcery, witchcraft, divination, wicca… dead people! You know what? Dead people don’t talk to you!”
Clearly this guy lacks European sensibilities.
Clearly it’s demons from hell using the dead people like microphones.
It must have been very hard for a demon walking past David Carradine to control himself without breaking into a “AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 175 POUNDS…”
Funniest joke I heard this week;
Two women are sitting quietly, minding their own buisness.
Clearly it’s demons from hell using the dead people like microphones.
FUCK DEAD MIKE!
There’s no need to make up non-sense about witches and demons when the book encourages young women to fall in love with Godless Sodomites.
Clearly it’s demons from hell using the dead people like microphones.
They’re waiting for Michael Bay to die so they’ll have a boom mic.
Hello? Hello? Is this dead guy on?
“Talk through the other end, Gary.”
Oh, I just thought that…
“No, that’s just rigor mortis.”
Semi OT: Ain’t no party like a Christian party cuz a Christian party don’t start.
FIGHT TWO DEMONS!!!!!
He certainly can’t accuse Bella of knowing demons.
Yeah, only the basest heathen would ever consider messing with the dead.
I like the cut of this guy’s jib.
Have no fear, Dylan Dog is on the case!
I don’t think this guy needs to worry about being bitten by a vampire; he has no neck.
Every time I read ‘abstinence parable’ I lose a minute off of my life.
…aw, FUCK!
the more well-versed in narrative device and metaphor you become, the more a strictly literal interpretation of the bible starts to seem like a less-good idea.
Yeah, well, narrative device and metaphor are tools of the Devil, so there.
‘abstinence parable’ is an anagram of ‘Arab Teen Penis Lab (c)’, coincidence?
“That means you’re consulting with dead people! It’s about … wicca”
Whoa. There are fat bitches in Twilight?
*Grabs the fleshlight*
My weekend’s set.