Afraid you’re too unfashionable to be accepted into the local foppish goth coven? Well I’ve got just the thing: Edward Cullen’s shoes! Brand new from the Pyramid Collection (Myth, Magick, Fantasy & Romance) come these handsome dress shoes, perfect for a Ren Faire mixer or Wiccan prom.
Vampires of distinction love these: glossy, patent-leather-and-velour gentleman’s shoes, fashioned in blood red and midnight black [as opposed to sunrise black...], with large, faceted-crystal medallions on the instep. [source]
Looking through the rest of the Pyramid Collection website, I find that they have separate sections for plus-sized clothing (of course), as well as “coats and capes,” which is great because I’d been searching for a good plus-sized cape. Really, all patent-leather-and-velour shoes should come with a good plus-sized cape included, for your date to wear. They could have matching faceted-crystal medallions like a corsage. That would be hot. Anyway, I’d love to show these to the God-hates-f*gs Twihard, just to see if it would shake her faith. “Oh no, Jesus says velour is an abomination!”
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Shoes? I thought they were dual gravy boats.
So, it’s guaranteed that one of these ends up stuffed up some theatre club kids ass by the end of the month. The real issue is whether it’s a result of bullying or abstinence-obeying sex play.
Yes, but do they sparkle in the sunlight? Coming this fall: Vampire Hypercolor.
You can tell they’re for gays because the large faceted medallions aren’t mirrored.
Hey, remember when vampires weren’t all gay?
Zapp Brannigan approves of the velour: “Come over here and feel my velour bedspread”
They look Torrid.
I post this very pic on Facebook not 6 hours ago and now it shows up here?
No, really. No thanks required.
They may not help make you look any more like a stupid lamb, but at least they make your calves look good.
*They look Turgid
If you click your heels together three times while saying “there’s no place like home” I’d be happy to transport you to a grave courtesy of a tire iron and a loose legal definition of what could be considered a hate crime.
Lince, this really has to stop. All we seem to talk about any more is Twilight. What He is trying to say is that the universe is running short on fat/gay/cat lady jokes.
I started to read this post and all of a sudden I get raspberry jam pouring out if my Gaydar Screen.
*Edward Cullen tippy-toe dances on the bar of a biker saloon*
METROPOLITAN!
*OF my gaydar screen – shit
You know how it feels to walk a mile in those shoes?
Well, your asshole would hurt for one.
QOVLPATH GAQ’SOQBE!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretend He said “Cosmopolitan”.
Are those daggers embroidered on the sides of the shoes, or are you just (un)happy to see me?
There was an old fairy who lived in gay shoes.
I’m just going to wait a while until I’m at my local outdoor mall and see a fat chick wearing crocs roll her eyes at a skinny douche wearing these.
Then I’m going on my rampage.
“Men’s Medium Width Sizes:” Yeah right, like there are no fat-ass queer goths.
DON’T LET THE DREAM DIE! PEE-WEE CULLEN FTW!
Rampage? Is He invited, Donk?
These would be a nightmare to walk in for a man with loose knee ligaments.
Fek, you always have an open invitation to rampage the outdoor mall by the racetrack with me.
Shoe sizes shouldn’t matter. Anyone who wears these shoes should have vast experience cramming things into smelly cramped spaces.
Vampire shoes have no soles.
I dunno, i rather like mine.
Team Jacob tried to wear these shoes but they made their dogs bark.
The only way these shoes could look any gayer is if they had tails.
Wearing these shoes in the sun makes Edward a little light in the loafers.
Haha! Just kidding. It’s the dick in the ass that makes him light in the loafers.
I’d feel better if those faceted-crystal medallions weren’t freakin’ iron crosses. My survivalist compound is plenty fancy enough.
These shoes, like the wearers of them, do not come in a box.
Twilight faggery is Blade’s ultimate weapon against the vampires. Embarrass them to the point where they kill themselves.
What if you say “no homo” before you put them on? Still gay?
FACT: These come with a lubricated shoe horn.
@ Bubb
FACT: So do their owners.
Do they come in steel toe? Otherwise I can’t wear them at work :(
These shoes get repaired by gobblers.
There’s no place like homo.
Well they don’t come in camel toes, that’s for certain.
It’s like wearing a chastity belt on your feet.
You need a fairy for the Men’s Twilight shoes and you need a Farrier for the Women’s.
These shoes and theaters showing Twilight are packed full of little piggies.
You put on these shoes and you’ll be known by your dancer friends as a regular Twink Toes.
But Ozzy Ozbourne told me that these kind of people wear boots.
Man who wear shoes for Twilight have painful realization dawn on parents.
These should all be slip ons because your average twihard hasn’t been able to reach their feet since kindergarten.
As far as preaching abstinence goes, these shoes are legit. You’ll never get laid if you wear them.
Spit n’ shine before shine n’ spit.
If they ever made a Rollerblade version of these shoes, it would create a world destroying vortex of gay.
I don’t know, J. These shoes look like the fashion equivalent of running your hand along the bottom of the bathroom stall.
The shoes come with convenient glory soles.
Anybody that wears these around a WBC protest is gonna get an earfull.
Yeah HIMAC, I should have said laid in the biblical sense.
10:1 these shoes show up in some Ghetto Prom pictures next year. That shit is just too flashy to not wear with your Maroon/Black pimp suit with fur lining and O.G. lid.
Gay shoes lead to happy feet.
Liberace wouldn’t be caught dead in these shoes.
These shoes were made for cockin’
These shoes will not get anywhere near my ‘fuck me pumps’.
This just in: The Edward Cullen patent leather and velour pumps were designed by….
**drumroll**
EXTREMO THE CLOWN!!!!!!!
**Honks bicycle horn, molests chimp**
I don’t know about the headline though, I was expecting Twilight mens shoes to be pretty fucking gay. I’m actually kind of relieved they don’t have dicks embroidered all over them.
These shoes are so abstinent, there’s not even any tongue!!
As soon as you put these shoes on you’ve stepped in shit.
Jaden did it.
These shoes will NOT be kept in the closet!
Man-hole-o Blahhhhniks
I may be advertizing my ignorance, but WTF with the Google logo today? Some dot head in a flower hat and a uni-brow?
I love my undead, gay shoes!!!
Velour does NOT please Crom.
So, do any of you ever wonder if Twihards consider Filmdrunkards some kind of ultimate, genetically enhanced form of “Anti”?
Right now some hipster twat is buying these thinking about how ironic that is.
[senorgif.com]
The :( cracks me up everytime.
It’s only fair that a pair of these be offered to a future COTW winner.
$27.99 though? That’s a fucking steal.
“. . . perfect for a Ren Faire mixer or Wiccan porn.”
Wiccan porn?! Sweet, I’m buying a pair.
Ohhh, it’s prom, you say, not porn. I see.
Well, they both have girls around the same age, it’s all good.