Michael Bay and his production company (not the one that makes crappy horror remakes) is set to produce a 3D, FX-driven action film based on Hansel and Gretel. If that idea sounds familiar, it’s because Will Ferrell and Adam McKay announced they’d be teaming up with the Død Snø guys for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters about a year ago. I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure this one will be much more generic. From the press release [via ScreenJunkies]
“Hansel and Gretel in 3D” is an action packed visual FX filled version of the classic Grimm Brothers’ fairytale. In addition to the infamous witch in the gingerbread house, the film showcases the legendary creatures of German mythology. These Teutonic beings will be designed by Joseph C. Pepe, the lead character designer from Avatar. The film is live action. The movie is being produced by The Institute and Kalliope Films. The Institute was co-founded by Michael Bay and Scott Gardenhour. The movie is scheduled for a spring 2011 shoot on location in Germany.
God I love press releases. “Hey, Marge, what’s another word for ‘German people’? Ooh, ‘Teutonic beings’, that’s good.” And if that wasn’t generic-sounding enough, check out The Insitute’s mission statement (also stunningly generic: it’s called ‘The Institute’):
Their unique model employs consumer engagement, marketing, production, financing, and distribution, resulting in marketing and entertainment products that correspond with consumer demand.
GRR, ACTION WORDS! You see, it’s a unique business model. Because first, they attempt to get the attention of people who will buy stuff from them. Then, they spend money to produce stuff to sell. Then they ship those things to places where those people can buy them. HOLY SH*T THIS IS A F*CKING GAME CHANGER! MULTI-PLATFORM ANALOG AND E-COMMERCE INTERFACE BUSINESS SYNERJIZZING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! MAKE ME A POWER POINT PRESENTATION AT ONCE!
Conclusion: This movie is going to be awesome.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/MIchael-Bay-Smirk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Marky-Mark-dwarves-pain-and-gain-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/weekend-movie-guide-mark-wahlberg-pumps-up-in-pain-and-gain-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/MICHAELBAY-Dreams-of-Michael-Bay-150x150.jpg)
The Lucas version will be called “han solo and greedo: cantina fighters”
Nic Cage to a confused Blake Lively: I am Hansel and you are my Gretel
The Mighty Feklahr is certain it will be less a Gingerbread House and more a “Ginger-kid Slaughterhouse”. (Teutonic means ginger, right?)
Harry Knowles is auditioning for the role of Gingerbread House.
If Michael bay has his way, the breadcrumbs Hansel drops to mark the trail will REALLY TASTE LIKE SNOZZBERRIES!!!
If Michael Bay has his way, Daffy Duck will be 3D-protruding into your visual senses so hard, you will be able to suck his duck dick.
Most importantly…who is the chick in the photoshop?
I watched Transformers with the commentary track turned on last weekend (FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY!), and I can’t recommend it enough. Bay brags about the Pentagon having a hotline set up to contact him for new ideas, how he insisted “the Frenchy” design Optimus Prime, that they had to fly in a “Cholo” special from “The Hood” who only spoke “Mexican” to get the flames on Optimus Prime just-so, and best of all, he keeps calling out and mocking the makers of Live Free Or Die Hard in the firm belief that they are watching the commentary track to figure out how thoroughly he kicked their asses at the box office. (His secret? That Transformers is an original idea for Summer 2007 and not a remake or a sequel.) It really was fantastic. He actually takes credit for Transformers as an original idea -and one that is pretty much his own.
The Mighty Feklahr fervently hopes the oven in the Gingerbread House is labeled “Dachau”.
It’s like Bay took it as a personal challenge when people cried that Lucas “raped their childhood” with the prequels and whatnot. Bay is thinking, “YOU CALL THAT RAPE? WELL I AM GONNA SKULL FUCK THE CORPSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.”
I’ve developed a special collar that children can wear that prevents them from being stuffed into ovens. I call it the ‘HANSEL Device’.
The Mighty Feklahr fervently hopes the oven in the Gingerbread House is labeled “Dachau”.
If they go that route, they’d better have Hansel say, “AWWWW, SCHWITZ! in the trailer.
Bay is still lining up financing for the big finale, where the siblings realize the gingerbread house is built on a foundation of Pop Rox and call in a zeppelin full of Diet Pepsi.
Get ready for the Nickelback cover of I Want Candy…
This summer… don’t forget… to leave… your over… ON FULL BLAST!!!
In Michael Bay’s version, Hansel and Gretel battle a Weeyotch.
I was about to say that those dolls in the picture are creepy, but then I realized I should just be happy that Ashley Olsen is getting work again. You go girl!
Dear Sirs,
As a (partially) “Teutonic being,” I am offended by the endless re-imagining of my kinsman’s beloved fairy tales with auto-repeat cross-bows. Either invent them now, and send them to my address, or return to Braveheart-style skull-crushing and chest-stabbing.
yours truly,
Jonathan Lager, Esq
P.S.: Seriously, who’s the model in the PhotoShop?
P.P.S.: Why, of course, I’ve had a refreshing cocktail with lunch. Why do you ask? In Europe, they wouldn’t dream of starting the day with out a lager, or a vodka drink. As my morning was particularly harrowing, I treated myself to an additional Martini. Twice. Where was I? Micheal Bay? I knew a Michelle Bay once. Lovely legs. She once Greteled my Hansel, if you know what I mean. /Michael/ Bay on the other hand keeps Hanseling my Gretel. That son of a Bitch.
Seriously, who is the blond sloot? My penis demands satisfaction!
Ahem, my friends and I would like to know who the blonde is.
Thank you.